My mom's on the phone with Daryl, talking about our money situation... and it makes me really upset. My mom has been paying all of my bills while I have been out of work, and I am forever thankful for that. However, it's put us in such a situation that is very hard for me to deal with. I've dealt with "poverty" since I was little. Little food in the house, no Christmas, living paycheck to paycheck. It's normal here. But it's depressing.

I don't need this stuff any more. I'm working... I'm trying hard. But I also want to take care of myself. I want to save money, especially while I'm working. I don't know how long I'm going to be there, or even if I'm going to make it through the holidays that are left there.

Its hard to see my mom and myself go through this. I know she's hurting, and I'm trying hard enough myself to be positive and to take care of my well being. It's bad enough being home makes things incredibly negative, and I'm working so hard. I'm rambling and I can't concentrate.

Being mentally stable has given me the confidence to well... almost take over the world. Almost. I've got the knowledge to do more than I ever have before. I've found myself patient with college searching, doing my research, wanting to visit colleges. I've also noticed a change in how I feel about losing weight. While I was watching The Biggest Loser last night, I started to think about how I can do it. And I have the knowledge to know that it's going to take a long time, and it's going to take hard work. But I'm beyond proud of myself for being able to think rationally, though I haven't been feeling too well :( But it's okay, I'm one step ahead of the game...and ahead of how I used to be.

Not to mention, I've gotten a job. A job I think I may be able to handle. Although, I have unfortunately realized that retail is not for me. But that's okay, it's bringing me one step closer to getting to college by getting out of debt. I'm so happy. And so proud of myself.

"Magic Man" is playing on the TV.
I'm going to make pancakes.

I'm reeeeeally, really, reeeeeeeeally nervous about starting work today.
But I'm trying not to show it.

Tummy ache.
Anxiety.



I really, REALLY want to be alone right now.
(Which I am)
But I also want to be everywhere at once.
Bollocks.

I CAN'T SIT STILL.

Hating yourself is the hardest thing to deal with in life.
I feel heartbroken. Blistered.

Things on my mind:

I need new glasses. Badly. I'm starting to not be able to go without them.

I'm having horrible side effects from my medication including dizziness, coordination problems, blurred vision, tingling in hands and feet, vertigo, confusion, memory loss and swelling of limbs.

I need to find a job. I'm working on it.

I feel as though I'm ready to go back to school, and I've started to look for colleges. But I think I need to work in the mean time.

I haven't been feeling well. In the past like week and a half, I've consumed 50+ pieces of pizza, and my body hates me. It's time to get this weight off.

I'm attempting (really, REALLY attempting) not to overwhelm myself. I'm trying not to take over the world all at once. And it's hard.

My tummy hurts.