Why is it that loving yourself is the most important thing in life, and yet it's the hardest thing to do?

I went out today to put on a pair of roller blades I haven't worn since I was like 10. Well, I don't think I EVER wore them, ever, but shockingly enough, they fit. Unfortunately, my plan for roller blading failed miserably, as usual. And I've found myself more disappointed than ever. I don't know what's been up with myself lately, but I'm terrible. I've developed this ungodly feeling of hatred for myself and who I am, and my body. It's truly terrible, because I haven't felt this bad in SO long, so, so long. And I just don't know what to do with myself. I have found myself obsessing and needing Travis's reassurance constantly - hell, I called him 27 times last night because he wouldn't answer his phone. I just don't know what's wrong with me... I hate who I am, and I hate what I can and can't do. I don't know what to do with myself...

I've decided I hate you. Don't try to be my friend, don't try to talk to me. It's bad enough that you took my father away from me, and now he's doing nothing but ignoring me, pretending he loves your mother, and catering to you. Don't try to get in on the family that I have loved all of my life, and who has loved me. You weren't around, you'll never fit in. I fucking hate you.

Self diagnosis at it's best.

Any little spur of something I feel like reporting here, I'm not sure if that's healthy or what. However, I was doing a little research on depression, 'cause I'm feeling rather blue today. At least the past few hours, I have. I was fine until I left Starbucks, and then it seems like I got back to the beach (a whopping 5 minute travel) and I was down, feeling as though my emotions were a reflection of the weather. Rainy, dull, grey. However, this seems normal to me for me to be okay one minute, writing, writing, and then the next, I'm just down. For no reason, nothing to pinpoint. However, I think I may have guilted myself on my frappucino. As per usual. I noticed I had a little extra money in my account, and I was feelin' it, so I went and got myself a frappucino. And I savored it, like I normally don't, and I downsized, I only got a medium. It was a start, right? But then I started to think that it was a bad idea for me to spend $5 on a drink, when I'm broke as hell, and for me to take in the calories I don't need. But I was fighting with myself since I walked out the door to go get the damn thing. But I got it any way, and tried to savor and enjoy it. So much for that entry from yesterday stating that I should stray from Starbucks among other things. I feel like I fail when I do these kinds of things, I feel like I have no self control.

But the other thing that bothered me while I was doing my depression research are some of the symptoms.

1.) difficulty concentrating, remembering details, and making decisions

- I can't remember where I place things, and I often find myself being completely indecisive. Like just now, I was utterly dumb when it came to picking out my frappuccino. I couldn't pick. I also have mini-civil wars in my head over the simplest things on where to decide to eat, what to wear, what I want to buy, IF I want to buy something... bah.

2.)fatigue and decreased energy

- Eh, I never wanna do shit.

3.)feelings of guilt, worthlessness, and/or helplessness

- My obsession with saying "I'm Sorry" seems to wrap this one up in a nutshell. I'm forever needing to apologize for feeling like I've done the slightest thing wrong, and feeling terrible for it. I must be reassured that everything is okay. Constantly.

4.)feelings of hopelessness and/or pessimism

- Pessimism is my middle name ;)

5.)insomnia, early-morning wakefulness, or excessive sleeping

- I feel like I've been sleepin' like a freakin' rock. I feel like Rip Van Winkle, truthfully. 12 hours of sleep, or something to that story, or I feel like I'm gonna just fall over and be miserable. Not to mention, some times, even though I've been sleeping that much, I still feel the need to take a nap.

6.)irritability, restlessness

- Irritability? Restlessness? I always feel like I need to be the energizer bunny, I'm constatnly going, I must be doing something, I can't just relax. And I'm always irritable, yelling about the littlest things. Ask Travis.

7.)loss of interest in activities or hobbies once pleasurable, including sex

- I don't feel as though this affects me as much, really. I do what I normally did. Which isn't much. I get incredibly bored, though, and feel as though I have no motivation for anything.

8.)overeating or appetite loss

- Unfortunately, this one appears to be a given. I'm not my weight for no reason.

9.)persistent aches or pains, headaches, cramps, or digestive problems that do not ease even with treatment

- Luckily, my downiness isn't physical. :)

10.)persistent sad, anxious, or "empty" feelings

- I'm usually sad, like Travis said today "Well, feeling down lately? Don't you mean all the time?" It's true, a gbood 95% of my days leave me feeling "down." Although, Iwant to disagree with that, but I think Trav's right. Maybe it's about 85% though. I'll give myself a little leeway.

11.)thoughts of suicide, suicide attempts

- I'm not that stupid.

This is going to appear as utterly pathetic, but I just want to be left alone. Lindsay just came home from work, and I'm here alone at the apartment because Trav's over at Will's birthday party, and I don't know if it's just because the past few days have been loaded with people, or what, but I literally just want to be left alone. I was on facebook just a few minutes ago, and I got super frustrated. I went to send Tim a keytar link, and I found out that Tim deleted me. That really bothers me, you know? And then, I have an event invitation from WBER Local Show. It's dumb juvenile shit like that which makes me want to delete my facebook. I know I sound just as immature as the whole situation is, but people make me want to puke. There are just days where I want nothing to do with anybody, and I guess today is one of them. "Barf" seems to be in my vocabulary today as to how I feel. At least the past few hours. I woke up okay, but now I'm miserable as can be, and people just keep loading in the door. Lindsay came home, Caleb just came home... and I want to just go hide in Travis's room. I'm feeling quite anti-social and still hungry, but I feel ungodly stupid and vulnerable to my own emotions. How fair is that, world?

I also still feel like I'm eating too much. How fair is that, world? I'm munching on some kettle corn to soothe my emotions, I guess. My anger, my hate, my need to watch something melt. Eh. I guess I need to start taking more of this world with a grain of salt, and just focus on what I want to do and who I want to be. I did a little self discovery today, while visiting Border's in Henrietta. I discovererd I want to make a TON of things. I want to learn the art of jewelry making, AND I want to learn how to knit. I have a feeling I could really keep myself occupied with all of this nonsense. Although, it's not nonsense, it's awesome. My fear being, though, not spending enough time with Travis. I know him and I need time apart, but being away from him gets so frustrating, mainly at night. I rely on his body being next to mine for comfort and a feeling of safety, mostly. I don't mind if he goes and does his own thing, ever, but his companionship is important to me. Being as though I did learn to live without him for the like two minutes we were broken up, (which never should have happened, and I have yet to forgive myself for), I enjoy his company and I enjoy him being there for me. I love him. I love him lots and lots, and I think our selfish immature personalities take a toll on that some times. We argue about dumb shit, but we're trying to solve all of it.

Like tonight, I got pissed finally for having to wait for him while picking him up at work. It's selfish to say that I wait for no one, but it's true. I wait for no one, especially when doing one a favor. So, we got into a dumb tiff, and we settled it by me not picking him up from work any more. And that works for me, it seems fair. Another way for us to distance ourselves a wee bit, and yeah. Om nom nom.

So I've been struggling with this whole vegan thing lately, to be honest. I've been trying my best to avoid meat, animal products, etc. all while loading up on oreos and soy ice cream. I know I'm new to this, but I need to get myself on track. I think I'm doing fairly well, but I at the same time don't feel as though I'm doing well enough. I scolded Travis the other day for not challenging himself and not thinking outside of the box - well, apparently I need to do the same thing. I've been trying super hard, but I think maybe I need to try harder, and not let my stress get to me too badly. To me, stress has been a killer, leaving me with a longing for convenience. And I'm not talking 7-11 convenience, I'm talking fast food convenience. The other day, I stopped at Burger King, while with Travis, Lindsay and Brendan for some fries. Which to me was okay, Travis and I discussed while we were around people, we can do fast food. However, if it is just him and I, we want to refrain from it and from chinese food. So we have been holding our bargain there, which we avoided fast food last night, and went to Wegmans instead. We got some snackies so we didn't have to make anything, so we could just come home and watch the Simpsons, but that's where the Oreos came into play. Sigh. But I can only work up from here. So I make a list...as in prior entries.

THINGS TO AVOID:

x Oreos

x Starbucks frapuccinos

x Fast food joints

x Chinese buffets

x Products with the "May contain..." labels\

x Soy ice cream

And I think that's all for now. I think it's all just a matter of cracking down again, forever, really. I think I can do it.

son of a fucking bitch//i'm a beautiful fucking disease.

On any given day, I feel like I could eat a whole package of Oreos. But not today. And I feel proud of myself for that. There's still almost a whole sleeve left on the right side, that's an accomplishment. I sat down with Travis and the NP I've been seeing at my therapist's office today, and I came out of there feeling like I was just glowing. Barbara told me to look at myself in the mirror in the morning and tell myself that I'm gorgeous and an awesome person. And I feel like some times I can do that. Just sometimes, though, but I'm working on it. Like today, yeah, I've probably crammed myself with a few more calories than I'd like to admit, but I blame being away from Travis, no lies. I feel like being home is my worst enemy, for the most part, especially since I don't have anything to do. I need a newer, better TV to hook up my Wii and what not, and I also need a kitchen table (or any table for that matter!) to sew on. So trying to keep my mind and hands busy is a challenge some times, and I find myself doing a lot of thinking, which isn't necessarily a bad thing. But I've found myself doing a lot of thinking about my weight as usual. There's something about this medication that I'm on (my anti-convulsant) which has got me thinking like a level headed logical person, which has put me at ease, [I just realized that if you remove the space between me & at you get meat!] and I have found myself slightly comfortable with wanting to lose weight and putting forth the effort, to where prior, everything 'intimidated' or 'scared' me. And I put those little quotation marks around those words because I guess they really didn't intimidate or scare me, I guess I just didn't have the balls, or I was just too lazy. But I do feel like a different person, now. I feel creative, and like nothing is off limits...

Unfortunately, I still can't focus all the time. The NP asked me about that today, too, and I explained to her I need like total, utter silence and no distractions when doing a lot of things because I lose my train of thought and it never comes back, like just now. I felt as though I had a point to make, and I switched windows to my conversation with Liz...and I lost it. lol But that's okay, I'll switch topics again (as I talk to myself) about my life list. Son of a bitch I want to learn how to skateboard. Specifically because I'm pondering the idea of what activities are out there which ARE exercise, but are also enjoyable for me. For one, I've been trying super hard to get out there and take pictures, which is forcing me to walk more. Unfortunately, I'm also finding out that flip flops SUCK for walking. I wish I had the cash to hunt down a decent pair of flip flops, because my right leg is constantly giving me sharp pains up it like on the side of my calf when I walk distances in shitty shoes or flip flops. One factor I think is weight with that, really, the other being well, shitty support.

Speaking of shitty support, bah. Forget it.

I've got my momma's smile and my daddy's gun.

I snerk in my head at the idea of my "daddy's gun." It's Father's day. Father's day brings out a whole different side of me some times. Katherine and I were measuring my whitetrashiness yesterday, and we brought up the idea of writing a story about quote/endquote all of my fathers. And I was thinking about it. I have a father who is an alcoholic, one who steals, and one who's unemployed. I'm batting a thousand in that category. And I try my absolute hardest not to think about what happened on Father's Day five years ago, when Daniel crashed his semi. But let's not think about that.

I've had a lot of time here with Travis lately, and I've been doing a LOT of thinking and writing. For one, I've noticed that 1 PM seems to be the time that my body feels the need to wake up. I'm not gonna lie, I've been stayin' up kinda late with Travvy, but that's okay, I just miss waking up at like 10 or 11 vs... like 1 when the day is half over and feeling like I get nothing done. But alas, what can I do? I can only change things myself. Which is something I'm learning the hard way, especially today. This morning I woke up to take Travis to work, and I was starving... so I ate what was left of his donut holes. Unfortunately, the trend started last night while watching Friday the 13th Part III, though. He had brought home these coconut covered donuts, which were vegan. Until I read more into the ingredients and they had the "less than two percent of..." disclaimer. *sigh* So, I made a mistake last night, AND this morning. And then earlier, I went to put on my cammo shorts... I knew they weren't gonna fit. But I didn't think it was going to be THAT bad. *sigh* I feel like I've tried to do so well lately, but I just end up failing any way.

love yourself.
love yourself.
love yourself.
carry a camera.

Raw.
Red.
Raw.
Razorblades.
Rust red.
Raw//Raw.


Yup. What am I thinking about doing this? What am I proving to myself? The hope of the chance that I'd never have with any guy any way? I mean, I don't know what I'm thinking any way. Am I just destroying myself? I lost my train of thought.

Apparently for me, instant gratification isn't instant enough. I have had some dumb thoughts going through my mind this morning. I guess I expected to attack being a vegan and be totally 100% successful, and lose like 5 lbs just by making the change. lol But then I realized, I still need to put nutrients into my body, and if I don't give it close to what it had before, it'll freak out. But it's okay, I'm a work in progress right? Right. And unfortunately with this work in progress, I've also lost the patience of others. It's like I've taken too long to take the right steps in the right direction and everyone's getting angry at me.

Trav and I got into a fight last night that carried over onto this morning. And it was rather disappointing, really. Earlier in the evening last night we ran into his father and Dee at Target. I went about our business talking to them like it was nothing new, like nothing had ever happened. Then Travis decided to say his piece, that he thinks his father is also upset with me because I broke up with him and doesn't want to see him hurt. And that's all fine, I 100% understand why everyone is so leery of me, especially after what happened. I don't want to blame the whole thing on the medication, but for my peace of mind, I like to think that it really never happened. None of it. I made dumb decisions, I was making rash, crazy decisions. I wasn't myself. But what hurts the most is that the people that I thought I should trust, and I thought loved me and cared about me, they seem not to be. Everyone's making me out to be the bad guy, but where were they when Travis cheated on me? Or when I was depressed? Katherine and Lindsay were really the only ones there for me at that time. And Travis, too, obviously, at least when I was depressed. But so much has changed. He gets so impatient with me and my emotions now, and it's hurtful because I'm trying so hard to get help. I'm trying to become a better person... and it's so hard.

But I guess maybe there's so much about myself that I haven't realized up until recently or that I haven't wanted to admit that I need to work on. Mostly, my self esteem. In talking to Travis last night, I really finally admitted that a lot of the reason why I'm so anxious to have sex is because it makes me feel loved and wanted. I don't feel beautiful any more, really. A lot of the time only then. I'm a chick who weighs now about 300 lbs, has a mohawk, is always battling with feelings of depression, can't work, can't concentrate or stick to completing anything... No wonder I don't love myself. I'm a demanding, impatient, hurting, fucked up..thing... No wonder applying 9 positive words to myself was so difficult. I don't see myself in a positive light. I'm always confused, hurt, crushed, unhappy, disgusted, angry, rebellious... all of these negative feelings. No wonder. No wonder I can't hold a fucking job, I don't feel like I have any skills, or any positive assets to my personality...

I’m discovering new things about myself day in and day out. At least recently, I’ve been seeing things in a positive light, and trying to rationalize and think logically rather than acting on impulse. And I feel as though I’ve been doing well. My bank account has stayed in the positives, I’m getting all the paperwork done I need to get done, I’m trying to keep my head screwed on right... y’know, it’s difficult. But I’m thankful to be taking care of these difficulties now, rather than ten or twenty years from now... when it would all be so much worse. But truthfully the way I see it, is I have at least the next year of my life, to sort things out. To sort myself out, to focus on therapy, and discovering what good there is to me, and what skills I have, and things I can accomplish.

This morning I stepped on the scale for the first time in months.

So, I'm chowing on this little egg, cheese and canadian bacon thing that's like a hot pocket in a circle just sitting here pondering. I had a rather eventful day, considering I got to keep my place. I woke up and went to therapy, and unfortunately my session was used to fill out my papers :( But that's okay, Jim is going away for a week or so, and things would be mighty hectic without it. And then I went over to Social Services, and I'm not gonna lie, I met some rather nice, interesting people today. That never happens at DSS lol. But I also was able to find myself a temporary social worker, who come to find out, not only KNEW my father, but had a crush on him years ago! Welp, didn't I feel like a moron, being all "well, he's a worthless alcoholic, and I don't need him, blah blah blah." haha. Ah, well. But I have food stamps starting tomorrow, and I'm going to be getting rent assistance as well. :) I'm'a tryin'.

I learned today that keeping a level head and basically kissing ass can unfortunately get you a long way. I told Coleen that I just want to move on from what happened with the deck, all sore feelings aside, and pursue keeping the trailer. She said she had others that were interested in buying it for more money than myself would be purchasing it for, but she said she doesn't mind doing me the favor. And I really appreciate it. I still feel as though this is an amazing opportunity for me, especially to get settled and established. It's made me feel capable, rather than frustrated about feeling incapable, and all of these situations as an interlocking whole have really made me do some thinking.

Becoming an adult has by far been the most difficult thing I've ever encountered before. I know that sounds ultimately silly because duh - becoming an adult is supposed to be frustrating and hard. But I never expected it to be THIS hard. I've put myself into some sticky positions especially financially, and I'm on the road to digging myself back out. Saying all of these things just truly some times does not sound like me... it alarms me some times. And I become intimidated as mentioned before. These upswings just worry me, I'm so afraid that they won't last, I feel like I don't know what to do with them. Do I enjoy them while I can? Or do I fear that I know that they're going to go away? It seems like an empty glass complex. My glass can be half full and I can enjoy it, or it can be half empty and I can worry about them going away. Being able to rationalize these things is really important to me, since I feel as though I've never been able to do it before, but it can also feel very intimidating, since it makes me wonder why I haven't ever been able to do it before? I should be trying to be positive, and realize that I am getting better and able to improve upon myself, but alas, I'm left with the empty glass complex.

So I thought I'd update while watching Demons because there's a ton of stuff on my mind. I tried updating my hand written journal today, because my NP at the therapist's office asked me to keep a journal on my feelings and on what I'm eating and stuff since I've been put on a new medication. But while I was mid-writing while watching Terror at Blood Fart Lake, I got totally distracted and totally forogt what I was writing about. The therapist the other day asked me if I was or had been diagnosed with ADD/ADHD or was treated for anything rleated to that like given ritalin or anything. Nope. Do I think I may have adult ADHD? Probably. lol Daniel's told me plenty of times that I carry a lot of the characteristics for someone who has ADHD. But all of this truly worries me. I haven't been so self aware before, and a part of me is kind of scared about it. I'm not too keen on knowing what's wrong with me, or that there is something wrong with me. For 20 years, all of these habits has been just me, just who I am. I find myself more and more each day uncomfortable with who I am. I'm self conscious, and angry. I've been so angry and upset lately. And so utterly confused. Today, as I wrote in my phyiscal journal, I had gotten upset while I was at the mall with Travis. We were in FYE after returning some stuff at Hot Topic so I could get some gas money, and I decided I wanted to go and get coffee from Starbucks. I got halfway out of FYE and I stopped myself. I realized that I had little money on me, and that I needed to save it for gas, I was being good. And so I went back to Travis, and had him hurry up through the Blu Rays, and he got kinda angry at me for rushing him. I did feel bad, but as we walked out of the mall, I started to think about the whole situation. I wanted to get back because we were meeting one of his friends, we still had go to go Henrietta, and then go and pick up some snacks for tonight. But, when we had left, I just realized that nothing can be easy for me. I have to fight, and fight, and fight with myself. I have to go out of my way to avoid things, and I have to always fight to get away from what I consider bad situations for myself, a lot of the time, that's why I don't bother. That's like why I binge eat, I know it's a bad thing to do, but I can't pull myself away from it easily. So I just give in. I want to have the self confidence to fight it, and to do well for myself. But it seems so hard, everything seems like it always has to be a struggle for me. And I feel as though I'm on top of things, but recently as talking to my NP at therapy, I realized that some times I'm on top of the world and that I can do anything, then other times, I'm just the lowest of lows. And my in betweens scare me. And my manic phases scare me. Like I said, I need to elminate the word "scare(d)(s)" from my vocabulary, along with many other things. Especially words relating to my poor self esteem. I have so much more I want to write right now, but I just can't focus enough to bring myself to do it. I feel lethargic, and distracted.

According to Candlemass, to open up your dreams, you need seven silver keys. And I think I've decided that I want to journey to find my dreams, and I'm going to start with finding seven silver keys to make a necklace out of. I already have one. :) Too bad I still can't identify what my dreams are. But tonight, I'm okay with that. What I'm not okay with is what happened to me while I was on Wellbutrin. Everyone keeps talking about how different I was, and how they like having the new me back. I'm sorry if I ever hurt anyone during that period of time, but talking about it makes me totally uncomfortable. I realize what had happened to me during that time, but it's almost like because (once again) I'm so uncomfortable with it, I blocked it out of my mind, you know? I know that isn't necessarily the right thing to do, but it wasn't me. I want to blame the medication, and I want to blame what was going on... but I almost feel like I can't. It was me, yes. I made the decision to go see David-Shea, I made the decision to fight with my mom... but it was only while I was taking that medication? That doesn't make sense. Alas, all I can do is move on from it, I guess. Tomorrow I'm going to see a medication specialist at therapy. My therapist had suggested that I meet with the medication specialist just after seeing him, and it made me pretty happy to know that he was serious about me, you know? I know that sounds kind of silly, but I don't think I've ever really gotten good treatment, no matter where I've gone. This includes social services. Today, I went to orientation for assistance. I was greeted in the parking lot by two chicks not much older than myself in Mercedes with babies. Lo and behold, I was told that I had to come back to be interviewed for assistance, but they were able to stay because they had children. All I can do is lift my chin and move on from here. I think that's what I'm going to do.

So I want to get this out there before I forget about it since I'm talking to Katherine about it. But I feel so intimidated when I feel a mood upswing coming. I get scared that it's not going to last, and it's going to go away again. I feel intimidated by it coming because of that. I'm afraid that it won't last.

Hey! I'm just a dinosaur!

Not...really.. but I can make believe, right? So, I'm slightly intimidated, truthfully. After getting home from Travis's, I went out shopping to Wal-Mart with my mommy, and then I brutally attacked cleaning up my room, finally. Last night, I had a little bit of a breakdown after realizing that I was in the hole again, and that I felt as though I couldn't dig myself back out. I was crying and upset and terrible. I feel like I ruined our night :( It started off a little wobbly last night any way because I was miserable because I had to make dinner, and Travis wasn't paying attention to me like I came over for, so I was just all icky and moody. And then we settled down to watch Swamp Thing Returns and I fell in love with Swamp Thing. lol And then I couldn't find something to eat, so that finally just set me off, and I just started crying and wanted to go to bed. I hate when that shit happens. I'm almost wondering if it's because it's "That time of the month" technically, but I haven't been this grumpy in a while. Well, I lied, what am I talking about? That's all I've been recently is grumpy. But, back to my point. I finally cleaned up my bedroom. I've been pushing it off, and pushing it off, and pushing it off. And I wonder if it was depression? I want to talk to my therapist about that, and if a cycle in something like that is normal. But now that I have cleaned my room and conquered that, I again feel like I can conquer the world. And by that, I mean, work on my eating habits.

I did some research on veganism, once again. I found out that more things than I knew or figured were vegan. It made me kinda happy, actually. But when I get in these knowledgeable "manic modes," I get intimidated and discouraged. As usual, you know? I just get so scared, some times. I think the word "scared" needs to be eliminated from my vocabulary. Sounds like a good start, right?

I Want:
x to not be scared any more
x to not be intimidated any more
x to conquer my fears

:)

I said I needed room to breathe...

I feel totally, completely out of control. Last night, I had a fantastic night with Ron and Hurley. Ron and I met up at the mall, hung out, went over to borders n stuff, then met up with Hurley. We then went back to the mall, got Starbucks, and then went over to Denny's and hung out for an hour or two. We had a bitchin' waitress, and I filled out an application (yes, one up.) And then we came back to my place and chilled. No pun intended, either, it started to get super cold and down pour on the way home haha. But we just basically hung out on my kitchen floor, talking, writing comics, y'know... the usual. But they left around 2 AM, I think, and then I went to sleep and woke up at like... 1:49 PM I think? haha. It's been so long since I've slept like that, at least that late.

But I woke up this morning to some disappointing news. I once again was overdrawn on my account by like $6. Luckily, I have fantastic friends. Ron is taking care of that for me, he's throwing like $10 in my account to get me back to the positives. But I'm really doing a lot of thinking about this whole situation. I've put myself into such sticky situations mostly with money, and I don't know what to do. My first initial answer to that is literally to run away from my problems. I think that's why I've been so anxious to hang out with people, and go out and do things... because it gets me away from the problems I've been having. Unfortunately, these problems seem to be piling up, and giving me tension headaches n shit. I know I should be staying home, cleaning up my house, because it's still a mess, there's stuff everywhere that needs to be put away, but I'm not doing it because I just totally lack motivation. The only thing I seem to want to do lately is sit by the lake and relax. And that's abnormal for me, normally in the summer I want NOTHING to do with being outside, but that's all I want lately. I want to be out in the sun, I want to just sit there as the breeze cools my face... Ugh, my head hurts again :(

I've been pondering ideas to get myself back to normal, though. I'm thinking about the idea of getting a reloadable credit card, one that's pre-paid, to carry with me. And to keep my bank account debit card at home at all times and use it just to pay bills. I want to get away from my bank account, but I don't want to close it. That makes things more difficult than anything, not being able to do direct deposit with jobs or what have you. But maybe it'll also give me initiative to save more money to spend. Like... the more I save on that pre-paid card, the more I can spend? I think I want to start a "shopping fund" even just putting away like $10 a week or so, that way it deters me from spending from my budgeted money, to help me get a little more control. I also know I need to start making promises to myself and to everyone else. I know that sounds a little crazy, but there are a few promises I need to make.

- To stop spending money on fast food
- To stop spending money on excess things I don't need like clothes, accessories
- To start saving money

I can't imagine how much money I could have saved lately if I didn't spend so much on fast food. I've been so addicted lately to fast food, especially coffee. Star bucks? $5 per coffee? Timmy Ho's? $7 for coffee and tim bits? Burger King? $8 for a meal? Come on, really, Ash? I feel so embarrassed, but I just can't stop. And that's like yesterday, I bought a hat, and some fingerless gloves with silver skulls on them... bah. And a photography book? Well, I feel as though the photography book and the journal I bought will come in handy... but you know? I feel like a hoarder. I don't understand why new things just... make me feel better? *sigh* Well, another blog cut short by a distraction.

I want:

x to be able to afford a magazine subscription (or two)
x to pay off my credit cards
x to lose weight
x to spend more time outside
x to learn about nutrition
x ways to make more money
x to take more photographs than ever before
x to learn more about photography by reading more and using trial and error
x to see Elvis in Vegas (no one will get this)
x to learn to love myself
x more time to talk to my therapist
x new glasses
x to prove myself right
x to believe in myself
x to go see KISS live
x to learn to have fun without spending money
x ways to save money
x to save up like $1,000 just to prove that I can
x to learn how to do my makeup better
x to part ways with things I don't NEED
x to spend more time with the people I love
x a smaller tummy
x to remake my life list
x to take responsibility for myself
x to go back to school
x a degree (or two...or six?)
x just to sit home once in a while
x my internet connection to work
x self confidence
x more ink!

I think that's enough wants for now, right? I feel kinda overwhelmed at the moment. Yesterday while at Kershaw Park with Trav, I explained to him how since I went to see my therapist, I feel like I can conquer the world. That normally happened after I saw a professional, I feel so much better, like I'm going to fix every problem I've ever had... but once I realize that I'm going to be doing that, I then become overwhelmed because I want to fix EVERYTHING at once, and I just frankly can't. I got my paycheck today from The Connection, and I didn't get nearly as much money as I thought I was going to. Which means I was able to pay my fine, and only have like $130 left over. Which isn't a lot for me to pay much of anything. Trust me, I do know I have put myself in this situation, but I thought my priority was to take care of myself?

Shit, who am I kidding? I am taking care of myself, I just wanna do it all at once. One step at a time, Ashley. One step at a time. I just need to rationalize this stuff. I just wish my rationalizations were a little easier than this and not as close. My cycles and ups and downs of rage and confusion, and realization and panic are so hard to handle. How come I never noticed all of this before, though? Jim (my therapist) even asked me that on Wednesday. He asked about when all of this started, and I explained things started around age 11, and seem to have gotten worse and worse as I have gotten older. Either that, or I've just come to realize them as I've gotten older?

Welp, here come the interruptions of thoughts haha. I'll finish this later.

Everything I have been thinking lately I just want to SCREAM. I just get so irritated, and I just want to yell, take it out all vocally. Everything else makes me want to puke. Earlier today, I was thinking about the idea of just running and running and running until I puke my fucking guts out. That's not like me, you know? Vomiting is FAR from the one thing I wanna do EVER. But I want to cleanse my body, and my mind. And son of a bitch it's so exhausting.

Made of steel, not clay.

I wish that statement was true. I feel as though lately I'm not made of steel, but more of clay, unlike Manowar. Luckily, the only person who will probably be reading this will get that. And that's what it's there for. But I feel so pliable in a sense when it comes to my emotions. I can't hold onto one emotion for a very long time, and that concerns me. I was ungodly frustrated this morning, and it sent me into a state I haven't felt in a really, really long time. I acted out almost violently, at the least physically. I was punching walls, kicking bathroom sinks, crying... All because I felt terrible about myself. My hair wasn't working with me this morning, I was out of hair spray, I realized that literally almost none of my clothes really fit me any more... I was almost dumbfounded at what I've become. That sounds so terrible - "what I've become." But alas it feels true. I've become horrendously over weight, even more so than I have been in the past, uncontrollable, full of rage, lacking energy and creativity. I feel like I've become a monster. Unfortunately, one that's as cool as The Swamp Thing seems. =/ Know what I mean, Vern?

Since I saw my therapist, I feel like that experience opened my eyes. I feel like I can see again, like my clouded vision cleared (how else can I put that metaphorically? lol) And unfortunately, the truth has been sitting in front of me like this for a while, but jesus christ I haven't wanted to see it. I've been far too embarrassed to see it. And I hate what I've become. Trust me, hating myself is nothing new, but it's become much more uhm... prominent in my life. (Jesus, I could listen to Meat Loaf sing a fucking cook book and I'd be there for hours!!)

I Hate:
x the way that I can't resist fast food
x how much I weigh
x how I can't seem to control my 'sexual urges'
x the fact I cut my hair
x not having clothes fit
x having a limited selection of clothing
x not being able to regulate my finances
x being incapable of saving money
x my addiction to shopping
x my addiction to food
x my lack of energy
x how I can't stop drinking coffee from Tim Hortons or Starbucks
x my reliance on food to make me feel better, when it just makes me feel worse
x not being in school
x not working, or being able to hold a job
x having no control over my emotions and my moods
x my stomach, and my excess weight on my arms and legs
x the size of my breasts
x how many shoes I have
x that I think shopping makes me feel better


Is that enough for now? I think so. All of these things are just little petty things to some people, but to me they're full of incontrollable urges and need to have something over and over and over again (addiction?). But I'm fully aware that I can kick these habits, and that it's going to take so much work. Unfortunately, I think the work is what scares me away. I know life ain't supposed to be easy, but having to work hard to be happy is a difficult concept for me, for some reason. I was raised by a very hard working mother, and you'd think that I'd grasp the concept of working hard. But "fixing" these problems seems like all too much work for me, truthfully. When it comes to self exploration, or self help, god, I feel like the laziest couch potato in the world.

I've been looking at a lot of people around me lately, especially a lot of heavy set people, and I keep thinking "god, I NEVER want to be like that." But shit, who am I kidding? I AM what I don't want to be. How does that work? Am I that blind? Or do I just not want to believe what I see in front of myself? Ugh. Unfortunately, this negativity is taking a toll on me in itself. I want to try terribly to stay positive, but it's hard when you feel this way. I could seriously ramble on for hours at this point, but I lost my train of thought and got distracted. Maybe I'll finish my train later.

Wouldn't it be nice?

This morning I had an intake appointment at Ontario County Mental Health. I met with my therapist for the first time. I was incredibly hesitant at first, not to mention I was late because I literally got lost in the damn complex! lol But I was incredibly hesitant at first, I always am when I get to meet a new therapist. I'm always afraid I won't get along with them or be so intimidated that I won't feel comfortable enough to talk. But, I knew this therapist was like a match made in heaven for me, haha! He's not only very eclectic and an artist, but he also totally had a Nightmare Before Christmas clock in his office. But the way he talked to me made me feel so comfortable. The way he formed his words and chose his phrasing really reminded me of the way that Travis talks to me on a daily basis. So I felt so comfortable in talking to him, it wasn't like I was speaking with a therapist, I was just having a casual psychological conversation. So we talked about focusing first on my self-esteem (or my lack there of)and improving that, because that will be the foundation to improving upon everything else. And I 100% agree. And with that, I do know I also have to take care of some other things. Which I tried to do.

After finishing up with my therapist who's name I can't remember, I went over to Department of Social Services, to see if I could get some assistance for well... everything. I went in and just asked about how to go about applying, and they basically just gave me shit. Because I'm only 20, I'm technically by state law my mother's responsibility. However, that just doesn't seem right to be. I can't get assistance because I'm under 21, however, those chicks who are 17 with six kids can get all the help they want? I don't get it. But they were incredibly rude to me, and made me really unhappy. At this point, I'm just trying to figure out whether or not I want to fight and fight and fight to get the assistance I believe I deserve, or if I should just give up and go and just get a part time job. However, I plan on getting a job any way, but I do know I can't work full time and focus on improving myself.

But it's watermelon time, I guess I'm done.

Mama said..

So, the song "Mama Said" by Metallica has been looming over my head, lately. On my way to New Jersey, about 150 miles until Nanuet in New York where my hotel was, "Mama Said" started to play on my iPod. Now, mind you, I haven't listened to Metallica in quite some time, but this song really hit home.

"Let my heart go
Let your son grow
Mama, let my heart go
Or let this heart be still

"Rebel", my new last name
Wild blood in my veins
Apron strings around my neck
The mark that still remains"

While on my way to Jersey, I did a lot of thinking. For one, I realized that I did believe something was wrong. "Rebel," my new last name" really seemed to be appropriate. I was fighting everything I had ever known. My morals, especially. I was going to see a man that I had seen only once six years ago, and I was running because I felt smothered. I felt like the apron strings were choking me, I felt like I had no freedom with my mom breathing down my neck...

But the more I thought about it, especially recently, I truly think the cause of that whole frustration was truly my medication. I was on two medications at once. Fluoxetine and wellbutrin. And I think the Wellbutrin was what sent me over the edge. Now, I haven't been on Wellbutrin for a few weeks, and I feel like a different person, myself. I've felt so out of control. I feel like I don't have a grip on life at all. Every little thing is setting me off.

I've told a few people recently how if you were to put my emotions into a physical form, they'd be the equivalent of a seismograph or an EKG reading. And it's overwhelming, because I feel like I peak and then reach a low within a matter of minutes, and it can take a toll on me some times. I'm greatly overwhelemd by my weight, my finances, my lack of job, my inability to hold a job... jeez. I feel like I'm falling apart, and I have no guidance. I'm lethargic a lot of the time, and I sleep what seems like forever. I lack energy, I lack motivation... And truthfully, I didn't start this blog to bitch. I've done that for long enough, and I want to change it. Which is my idea behind this, truthfully. I want to fix myself. I'm not broken, but I do know that my pieces aren't fitting together well.

I've often thought to myself recently, and asked myself "Why is it that the most important thing in life (loving yourself) is the hardest thing to achieve?" I want to learn to love myself, and love who I am, and where I'm going. I want to have the confidence in my mind and in my body, in my knowledge and in the decisions I make. I want to have the confidence to take over the world. I feel like it's in me, but I scare it out of me a lot of the time. Like as I write all of this and think about this, I'm already scaring myself. I always think to myself "nah, that's not really how it is." or "it'll all go away." And I expect it to disappear the next day, really. But after expecting that for 20 years and NEVER having it disappear, I'm learning that this really is how it is. It won't ever go away, but I need to learn how to cope with it. The hardest part of coping, is trying to express myself.

I have found myself struggling to share with Travis, mostly, how I feel. Trying to explain to the person that you love (and that you left at one point) that nothing feels right, is the hardest thing to do. Sharing my feelings, admitting my feelings with those I love is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I'm afraid of being judged on "what's wrong with me." I feel so insecure about the way I feel, and who I am. I've been dying to discover more about myself, and to feel myself out just a little bit more... and I'm so excited about tomorrow.