Been here before, couldn't say I liked it.

Tonight on the way home, as I was turning down Footer Rd. I had a thought.

I wanted to roll to the top of the hill up in Honeoye, and I could see this clearly. I wanted to look up at the stars, see the sky clearly like I never have before. I could see this, sitting in the red subaru. I could see it. Looking out at the stars, and the next thing I know, I'd shoot myself in the head. Only leaving blood and brain matter for the next person to find.

can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
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can't sleep.

It's been another long, lonely night.


I swear I'm not half as depressed as I sound, but it's still lingering there for some reason. It's like I feel the edge of it since I wanted to cut the other day. I'm still unsure what possessed that, but I feel like it's been difficult coping with a few things lately. For some reason, I had this urge to cut the other day at work. The box cutter was just sitting there... and I wanted to feel it again. I'm also tired of coming home to this house. I feel as though there's just such negative energy here that coming home from work even is exhausting. And I'm tired of not having someone to come home to. Don't get me wrong, I'm in no position to be in a relationship, but son of a bitch all I want lately is to cuddle. All of my friends seem to be set, and don't get me wrong, yes, I'm quite jealous of Travis and Samantha. Not because it's Travis, but because everyone seems so happy, and I'm the odd one out... again. Spring brings upon new beginnings, and I'm ready for them. But I just feel worn out and overwhelmed. I'm up later at night, thinking about things like how much I miss Eric... and it all sucks. I obviously don't enjoy it, but what can you do?

I miss you, and it fucking sucks.

It must be nice to feel beautiful...

Don't know why I'm down here/Must be somethin' I said.

I was wandering around Stumbleupon.com, and I saw an ad for Blogspot, so I figured I'd take some time to do some actual thinking and reflecting here. Things have been really busy lately. This week at least! Sunday I went and saw Tom. Monday I worked. Tuesday I had therapy, came home and overhauled my whole room, went and took pics of Lauren, and spent the night with her and Ian at her client's house. We were up until 2 AM giggling like crazyyy, and finally today I'm hangin' out for a little while and going back with Lauren to go on some of her dog walks, do some more photographing, and back to the client's house. And then tomorrow Lauren, Ian and I are going to go out and do more photo shoots, and Friday I work and I get to see Liz, and finally on Saturday is Mandy and Zach's wedding. AHH!

Busy, busy, busy! Which in the long run is super beneficial to me, though I'm sleep deprived. My therapist and I were talking about a plethora of things yesterday, and one of them she brought up (not to be a downer) but she asked about me cutting, and if I was having thoughts of it. And come to think of it, I've been way too busy to even have my mind process those thoughts. It's like I forget about it when there's nothing bad going on. Which, in theory is good, and does make total sense because it IS a coping mechanism. So staying busy has it's upsides. However, I've had plenty of time to do some thinking.

Yesterday I made this picture:


















I took the picture with me with my fishnets on and I thought it looked oddly familiar. Fortunately enough, my 300+ pictures on my PhotoBooth didn't fail me, and I found the one from 2008. I can't believe how much I've changed. Or for that matter, how much weight I've gained which has lead me to do a ton of thinking. I mentioned to my therapist yesterday how out of control my binge eating has gotten. It hasn't been incredibly horrible, but I've been trying to sort out my feelings about eating. I've been binging a lot more because I've been working, and I have this nasty habit of not eating for 5+ hours, and coming home and pigging out. And today I realized I was just binge eating because I didn't eat much of anything around Lauren and Ian. (Haha, I almost wrote Ean.) I don't eat around people because I'm embarrassed, so my body decides that when I'm alone, it's time to eat because it's hungry and I eat everything in sight. And the whole thought is embarrassing. Everyone around me seems to be losing weight, and I've gained so much to the point I've learned to hate my body again. Even just looking at the picture I'm disgusted, because you can even see the difference in my hands. It's just gross. Don't get me wrong, I've never been a healthy person, like in that picture, I was probably around 260ish pounds? It shows how much of a difference 50+ lbs can make. And it's an upsetting one.

It's bad enough I struggle day in and day out with finding out who I am, what I'm doing with my life, etc. But to have to hate myself all at the same time? It's upsetting and rather hard to deal with. Everyone who I've shown that picture to tells me I look better now, but I disagree. I know this isn't the Ashley I want to be.

I just did some self reflection sitting here in Mrs. Berger's room, and I'm like ready to cry. It's not about how horrible I feel about myself for once. It's all about college. Again. Any time I end up here at HCS, I end up reflecting about college. It's bad enough I get it shoved in my face at home.

"We wanna see you go back to school."
"You need to go back to school."
"When are you going back to school?"
"Have you thought about going back to school?"
BE PATIENT WITH ME. That's all I want to do is scream that at them. No one is ever patient with me. Travis, Eric, my parents. Hell, myself. I'm not patient with anything. And I proved that to myself with Chazz. I found something that could have been beneficial, and totally amazing... and I think I threw it away. Lauren says chalk it up to the fact that he's something I probably shouldn't say while I'm here at school.... but, maybe it was me. I think it is me. And that's fine, I have a lot of learning to do. A LOT. And Travis is right. I need to take a break from a lot of things. Dating especially. It was a bit of a mistake to go see Chazz. I got excited, because he was amazing and gorgeous. Too good to be true? I think so.

However, I'm trying to convince myself that it wasn't a waste of time. Truthfully, I don't think it was a waste of time. It was an adventure, and I had fun while I was at it. I just... push too hard. And I pushed him away. That sucks. Oh well, the kisses were amazing ;)

But it is time to take a break. And focus on Ashley. Something else I've been struggling with, is focusing on myself. I feel as though I've become a monster. And the reason why I say that is because I'm out of control. I've gained weight, I've lost patience, and I've lost track and faith in myself. I'm not in school, I'm not exercising, I'm not eating right, I'm not... doing anything at all. I am, however, working. That's a step up. I'm nervous about losing my job, though. I was sick for two days last week, and I went home early. :( I felt like I was going to pass out. But I'm afraid that puts me in jeopardy. If it does, it does. I'll find another job. I will say it's difficult, though. My job isn't mentally stimulating and becomes difficult, monotonous and ridiculous. I say ridiculous because I do nothing but fold clothes for 4 hours. Which is why I'm glad I'm only part time and don't really work too much. But I'm thankful that I have these 4 days off. It's going to help me relax a little and feel better.

However, being here has made me kinda feel dumb. haha. Mrs. Berger's class is reviewing possessives and plural possessives. And it's been challenging for me to wrap my head around. lol I keep swearing it's my medication. I feel like I've lost all knowledge, all creativity. I talked with my therapist about that the other day, though. She says a lot of people experience that. I also feel like I've lost my will to get up and do things. And that's really sad. :( Like today, I wanted to go out and take pictures, but I feel so... uninspired. And on top of that, I want a salad. One of the students just mentioned caesar salad. It sounds delicious. But any way, I'm rambling at this point... but it's pretty sweet that this is the longest blog entry I've done thus far. I was going to bring my journal with me today, but that didn't work. I just wanted out of the house. It's a good place to be, here at HCS, even though it makes me reflect upon myself.

"Don't braid my hair."
"I wasn't going to...but okay..."

Chazz has me totally smitten. I came home happy as hell the other night, and it's continued onto today... until I came home because I felt like I was going to pass out. And right now, I'm actually at a loss for words, really. I was going to post about how good of a time we had the other night, and I'm totally distracted by his YouTube channel, which he showed me while we were in the hotel room. My biggest thing that I can't get over is how... huggable he is. I'm really attracted to his body. He's smaller than me, and smaller than Travis, and he's just so huggable. And he smells good. lol And here I go listening to his music again. We giggled over how "emo" some of his lyrics are. Awh, it's just cute.

He's very talented, and very well rounded. Especially when it comes to music. He impresses me with the work that he does like with the musicals and stuff, especially for being 25. He does a lot and he's super busy, but I hope to see him again. Especially since we did what we did. Granted, we didn't go all the way, but I had a great time ;) He's just super sweet, and I think I've said that like six times. ah, man. I'm rambling again.

<3
so, there's been a lot on my mind lately. Something's been on my mind that I just don't know how to deal with... money. My mom and I were just talking about the idea that some how her family has the money to travel all the time to come back 'home' and such. I understand some of my family members may make good money, but it makes me upset that I worry about money so often. I'm not even 21, nor am I out on my own, but it makes a big impact on my life. I'm worried about moving out, I need money for that, I'm worried about going back to college, I need money for that. And on top of that, I've been told that there may be a chance that I can't afford to go to RIT.

Currently, all of this shouldn't be the biggest thing on my mind. I should be focusing on getting better so I can GO to my job. I got shit this morning for calling in, but god I feel awful. I'm truly liking working at Naartjie Kids, and it makes for a great transitional job - when I'm up to par. When I feel like death, it's dreadful because it's rather slow. I wish I could go back to just being a cashier. But, it all seems okay. I'm thankful for my job because I want to start saving money because Sarah and I have been considering moving in together. :) It excites me because we want to move to the city to be closer to where we normally spend a lot of time any way. I think it'd be cool to get out of this place and go somewhere bigger and better. It seems inspiring, like I would learn a little more, especially about myself. I'm just nervous about talking to my mom about it. I don't want her to over react, especially because I know I'll need her support.

But, for now I'm trying not to think about much of anything. I feel HORRENDOUS and just want to sleep. lol

Does it make me work harder
Or does it make my world harder?

It's not supposed to be this hard.

I feel kinda empty now.
The man of my dreams doesn't want me.
and nothing else seems okay....