So, I muffed up my FAFSA a little bit, made a tiny little mistake. And it's kinda got me overwhelmed. I'm afraid I made more mistakes, because I feel as though I rushed through it, and I'm all in an anxiety uproar. I think it's that emotional mind/irrational mind talking (as I spill broth all over myself...way to go). What's even more upsetting is I had to cancel my therapy appointment yesterday due to having to go to the Doctor's. Which makes me wonder if Ana has anything available for this coming few days. Let me call and find out. Hm... after the hiccups go away....
There, call made. I'm not even so sure what my point in blogging was. The anxiety has lifted. I guess I'm okay now. :)
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Boy, you can stick around!
I woke up early this morning again next to Derek. It makes me happy. I was up around 6:30, or at least that's when the first alarm went off. I've got a bad habit of pressing the snooze button a few times, but it didn't matter this morning. I didn't have to get up and shower, I didn't have to rush to have breakfast and get out the door. I was able to snuggle in bed with Derek even though he didn't sleep last night. It was nice. We got up, got our shit together and everything seemed okay. Until we got on the topic of my future.
Derek tried to tell me this morning that I'm not going to be rich, I'm not going to make lots of money, and he's going to take care of me. Frankly, the thought is nice, but I'm tired of everyone bringing me down. This isn't the first time it's happened recently. The other day, Daniel and I were talking about me going back to school and what my future holds, and he blatantly told me he doesn't think I'm going to own my own studio and be successful. For one, what a crock. For two, how fucking low do you have to be to tell someone that? And Derek made a similar comment this morning... As stated previously, he told me that I wasn't going to make a lot of money, and I wasn't going to be able to support myself and live comfortably. For one, what a crock again. And for two, so much for my boyfriend believing in me. It's incredibly hurtful. I'm tired of having all of these people tearing my dreams apart. And because of that, I won't let it happen.
It's really sad when the only person who ever tells you he believes in you is your ex boyfriend. Travis is truly the only one who has ever told me he believed in me and still does. And this encompasses the whole feeling I have:
Travis showed me that song so, so long ago when we first got together. And it means the world to me, because he believes in me. And according to Rocky, "nothing is real if you don't believe in who you are." Some times, I don't know who I am, but I know my dreams are real. And I'm going to be successful some day, and I think that day starts today. It's hard grasping the concept of taking life one day at a time, and it's something my old therapist Malinda and I talked about a lot. Just letting things go and living day by day. And I'm learning more and more to do that now. I'm proud of myself.
Derek tried to tell me this morning that I'm not going to be rich, I'm not going to make lots of money, and he's going to take care of me. Frankly, the thought is nice, but I'm tired of everyone bringing me down. This isn't the first time it's happened recently. The other day, Daniel and I were talking about me going back to school and what my future holds, and he blatantly told me he doesn't think I'm going to own my own studio and be successful. For one, what a crock. For two, how fucking low do you have to be to tell someone that? And Derek made a similar comment this morning... As stated previously, he told me that I wasn't going to make a lot of money, and I wasn't going to be able to support myself and live comfortably. For one, what a crock again. And for two, so much for my boyfriend believing in me. It's incredibly hurtful. I'm tired of having all of these people tearing my dreams apart. And because of that, I won't let it happen.
It's really sad when the only person who ever tells you he believes in you is your ex boyfriend. Travis is truly the only one who has ever told me he believed in me and still does. And this encompasses the whole feeling I have:
Travis showed me that song so, so long ago when we first got together. And it means the world to me, because he believes in me. And according to Rocky, "nothing is real if you don't believe in who you are." Some times, I don't know who I am, but I know my dreams are real. And I'm going to be successful some day, and I think that day starts today. It's hard grasping the concept of taking life one day at a time, and it's something my old therapist Malinda and I talked about a lot. Just letting things go and living day by day. And I'm learning more and more to do that now. I'm proud of myself.
Monday, June 20, 2011
travel the universe.
I have so much on my mind I feel like it's kinda spinning out of control. I haven't felt this way in a while, but it's getting fairly frustrating. A lot of it has to do with mine and Derek's 'relationship.' Now, I put that in quotes because I still don't know where we stand, I'm assuming we're together, because I think we are, but a part of me doesn't want to be. I'm still influenced on that decision by school and the like, and it's confusing. That's most of what's weighing on my mind.
On top of that there's my weight, it's been floating around my mind lately. I actually the other day chose my meal plan, and I went with the All Debit meal plan, mostly because you have the option to buy more 'grocery' like foods, and since I normally eat 3 meals per day, it makes it a little more convenient to have a bigger plan. And a bigger plan to me means more salads :P
I just wish my eating habits at home were a little bit better. With the way food has been, it's rough. I've been trying to eat as much as possible of things like the watermelon or the cantaloupe we've been getting. But it all only lasts so long. But it's progress, since we haven't had ANY food in the house recently. I was particularly stoked the other day when I was able to go out and get groceries after working for April's parents. It felt good to work again, I did miss it, I particularly miss having structure in my life. But what I'm TOTALLY stoked about is as of next weekend, Roseland Water Park is going to be my LIFE. Which means I'll be out of the house more, and doing more, and sitting in the sun having fun, and and and yeah. I'm so, so excited. I'll also be eating less. That's a big plus. Sigh.
I gotta do somethin'.
On top of that there's my weight, it's been floating around my mind lately. I actually the other day chose my meal plan, and I went with the All Debit meal plan, mostly because you have the option to buy more 'grocery' like foods, and since I normally eat 3 meals per day, it makes it a little more convenient to have a bigger plan. And a bigger plan to me means more salads :P
I just wish my eating habits at home were a little bit better. With the way food has been, it's rough. I've been trying to eat as much as possible of things like the watermelon or the cantaloupe we've been getting. But it all only lasts so long. But it's progress, since we haven't had ANY food in the house recently. I was particularly stoked the other day when I was able to go out and get groceries after working for April's parents. It felt good to work again, I did miss it, I particularly miss having structure in my life. But what I'm TOTALLY stoked about is as of next weekend, Roseland Water Park is going to be my LIFE. Which means I'll be out of the house more, and doing more, and sitting in the sun having fun, and and and yeah. I'm so, so excited. I'll also be eating less. That's a big plus. Sigh.
I gotta do somethin'.
Friday, June 17, 2011
WHY IS IT EVERY TIME I CLOSE MY EYES, YOU'RE THERE? WHY IS IT EVERY TIME I CLOSE MY EYES, YOU'RE THERE? WHY IS IT EVERY TIME I CLOSE MY EYES, YOU'RE THERE? WHY IS IT EVERY TIME I CLOSE MY EYES, YOU'RE THERE? WHY IS IT EVERY TIME I CLOSE MY EYES, YOU'RE THERE? WHY IS IT EVERY TIME I CLOSE MY EYES, YOU'RE THERE? WHY IS IT EVERY TIME I CLOSE MY EYES, YOU'RE THERE? WHY IS IT EVERY TIME I CLOSE MY EYES, YOU'RE THERE? WHY IS IT EVERY TIME I CLOSE MY EYES, YOU'RE THERE? WHY IS IT EVERY TIME I CLOSE MY EYES, YOU'RE THERE? WHY IS IT EVERY TIME I CLOSE MY EYES, YOU'RE THERE? WHY IS IT EVERY TIME I CLOSE MY EYES, YOU'RE THERE? WHY IS IT EVERY TIME I CLOSE MY EYES, YOU'RE THERE? WHY IS IT EVERY TIME I CLOSE MY EYES, YOU'RE THERE? WHY IS IT EVERY TIME I CLOSE MY EYES, YOU'RE THERE? WHY IS IT EVERY TIME I CLOSE MY EYES, YOU'RE THERE? WHY IS IT EVERY TIME I CLOSE MY EYES, YOU'RE THERE?
Thursday, June 16, 2011
Monday, June 13, 2011
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
It's been a while.
But my paranoia kicked in this morning.
Not to mention, I wanna spend every waking moment with you.
:)
I woke up this morning about an hour earlier than I was supposed to with that fear that I couldn't find my cell phone, I wouldn't hear my alarm, and that I'd be late to getting Lauren and to therapy. So, I woke up, spent a teeny little bit of time with Mark, and now I'm bloggin' away.
What's funny is Derek is still asleep, but I very, very badly want to wake him up. It's early mornings that make me feel alive, and I want to experience that with him. I know we didn't go to bed too early last night, and I could probably use some coffee, but I totally want to snuggle.
But my paranoia kicked in this morning.
Not to mention, I wanna spend every waking moment with you.
:)
I woke up this morning about an hour earlier than I was supposed to with that fear that I couldn't find my cell phone, I wouldn't hear my alarm, and that I'd be late to getting Lauren and to therapy. So, I woke up, spent a teeny little bit of time with Mark, and now I'm bloggin' away.
What's funny is Derek is still asleep, but I very, very badly want to wake him up. It's early mornings that make me feel alive, and I want to experience that with him. I know we didn't go to bed too early last night, and I could probably use some coffee, but I totally want to snuggle.
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