I didn't bother to get dressed today, I was too busy crying.

I haven't been able to figure out why I'm so upset after last night. I'm incredibly exhausted, depressed, and longing to see Eric. I was really starting to develop feelings for that boy, and I feel like someone just reached into my chest and grabbed my heart as hard as they could and made it explode, splattering blood everywhere.

I don't blame Eric for being so mortified of my quick movements. Not to mention, Travis and I breaking up is starting to take a toll on me. I'm attempting to keep my head up, but it's being a kick in the ass to me. I want nothing more than for Eric to come over tonight and comfort me, to eat some good food, and to just sleep away the darkness.

I'm hurling crow birds at mockingbars.
It's a reason to live.

Edit.

Then as it was, then again it will be
An' though the course may change sometimes
Rivers always reach the sea
Flyin' skys of fortune, each have separate ways
On the wings of maybe, downy birds of prey
Kind of makes me feel sometimes, didn't have to go
But as the eagle leaves the nest, it's got so far to go

Changes fill my time, baby, that's alright with me
In the midst I think of you, and how it used to be

Did you ever really need somebody, And really need 'em bad
Did you ever really want somebody, The best love you ever had
Do you ever remember me, baby, did it feel so good
'Cause it was just the first time, And you knew you would

Do your eyes not sparkle, Senses growing keen
Tastin' love along the way, See your feathers preen
Kind of makes makes me feel sometimes, Didn't have to go
We are eagles of one nest, The nest is in our soul

Fixin' in my dreams with great surprise to me
Never thought I'd see your face the way it used to be
Oh darlin', oh darlin'

I'm never gonna leave you. I never gonna leave
Holdin' on, ten years gone
Ten years gone, holdin' on, ten years gone]]


It was great to hear David-Shea's voice today.

Why is self-acceptance the hardest part of life?

I get these flashes all the time in my mind about cutting myself. Still.

It's weird.

So bored.
So bored.
So bored.
So bored.
So bored.
So bored.
So bored.
So bored.
So bored.
So bored.
So bored.
Toy boat.
Toy boat.
Toy boat.
Toy boat.
Toy boat.
Toy boat.
Toy boat.
Toy boat.
Toy boat.
Toy boat.
Fuck.

I work tomorrow.
I work tomorrow.
I work tomorrow.
I work tomorrow.
I work tomorrow.
I work tomorrow.
I'm totally sick to my stomach and I'm trying incredibly hard to not to freak out, I'm nervous. I sent David-Shea a message earlier, spilling my guts about how I feel. It's driving me absolutely insane, waiting for a reply. Which, I know will probably not come until next week because it's the weekend - I understand he's busy. I know how those things go. Anne's around. But that's to be expected.

However, I feel like the worst girlfriend in the world. I love Travis, so, so much. I do, I truly do. But David-Shea "gets" me. I know that sounds so silly, but it's true. He understands my romantic wants and needs, he's met them before, well before I knew what they were. He also understands a lot of my mental problems I think more than Travis does. Travis got to the point where he was abusive because he didn't understand. And he cheated on me.

I try not to think about all that, because things are good. I swear they are, and knowing all of this, when I hear his voice, it breaks my heart. Because I feel like the worst girlfriend ever. I know I'm not doing anything near what he did to me, but it's still not fair. And I feel like I can confide in David-Shea about those things. And it's important. If nothing happens from this, it's okay. I can understand that. But I'm willing to give it a try. Besides, it's not like I'm runnin' to Jersey any time soon. But I would LOVE to go back, and cherish everything that happens, like I didn't last time. I was SO out of my mind, and it's terrible. Things were so wrong, and I don't want to crush Travis's heart. But I HAVE to tell him how I feel. I love him so much. I'm gonna go call him.

My mom's on the phone with Daryl, talking about our money situation... and it makes me really upset. My mom has been paying all of my bills while I have been out of work, and I am forever thankful for that. However, it's put us in such a situation that is very hard for me to deal with. I've dealt with "poverty" since I was little. Little food in the house, no Christmas, living paycheck to paycheck. It's normal here. But it's depressing.

I don't need this stuff any more. I'm working... I'm trying hard. But I also want to take care of myself. I want to save money, especially while I'm working. I don't know how long I'm going to be there, or even if I'm going to make it through the holidays that are left there.

Its hard to see my mom and myself go through this. I know she's hurting, and I'm trying hard enough myself to be positive and to take care of my well being. It's bad enough being home makes things incredibly negative, and I'm working so hard. I'm rambling and I can't concentrate.

Being mentally stable has given me the confidence to well... almost take over the world. Almost. I've got the knowledge to do more than I ever have before. I've found myself patient with college searching, doing my research, wanting to visit colleges. I've also noticed a change in how I feel about losing weight. While I was watching The Biggest Loser last night, I started to think about how I can do it. And I have the knowledge to know that it's going to take a long time, and it's going to take hard work. But I'm beyond proud of myself for being able to think rationally, though I haven't been feeling too well :( But it's okay, I'm one step ahead of the game...and ahead of how I used to be.

Not to mention, I've gotten a job. A job I think I may be able to handle. Although, I have unfortunately realized that retail is not for me. But that's okay, it's bringing me one step closer to getting to college by getting out of debt. I'm so happy. And so proud of myself.

"Magic Man" is playing on the TV.
I'm going to make pancakes.

I'm reeeeeally, really, reeeeeeeeally nervous about starting work today.
But I'm trying not to show it.

Tummy ache.
Anxiety.



I really, REALLY want to be alone right now.
(Which I am)
But I also want to be everywhere at once.
Bollocks.

I CAN'T SIT STILL.

Hating yourself is the hardest thing to deal with in life.
I feel heartbroken. Blistered.

Things on my mind:

I need new glasses. Badly. I'm starting to not be able to go without them.

I'm having horrible side effects from my medication including dizziness, coordination problems, blurred vision, tingling in hands and feet, vertigo, confusion, memory loss and swelling of limbs.

I need to find a job. I'm working on it.

I feel as though I'm ready to go back to school, and I've started to look for colleges. But I think I need to work in the mean time.

I haven't been feeling well. In the past like week and a half, I've consumed 50+ pieces of pizza, and my body hates me. It's time to get this weight off.

I'm attempting (really, REALLY attempting) not to overwhelm myself. I'm trying not to take over the world all at once. And it's hard.

My tummy hurts.

I'm just trying to make everything right.
Unfortunately, it's giving me anxiety.


I want to conquer the world tonight.

I feel so good today.
♥

I'm really distraught tonight.
Mine and Trav's two year anniversary is Sunday. Tomorrow we're going out to spend time together, going out to Buffalo to eat, maybe Dave and Buster's, and to hit up a couple of haunted houses. But I've been thinking tonight about how I had lost my ring that said "I Love Travis." On the inside it had the date we got together, and I lost it.

I got angry one day, took it off, and threw it in Travis's room. And I lost it. I feel like it was a metaphor for our relationship. Things went very much so downhill from there, up until recently. Since I've realized that our relationship is coming to such a fantastic milestone, I unconditionally want things to get better. In each of my relationships, we only made it slightly past our two year. We fell apart first by the 10th month. I'm not so sure that happened, we fell apart... last November. But I try incredibly hard not to think about that, though it does happen almost each and every day. I want to move beyond that with Travis. He's been so fantastic and so lovey lately, and it's made me re-realize how madly in love I am with him.

Tomorrow is truly going to be fantastic. I can feel it.

I think the universe listens too well to me. I was talking with Chris yesterday, and we were talking about our relationship, that I don't remember much of. Or I like to pretend I don't. But he said one thing that kindof made me wince. At the end of our relationship, I apparently said that regardless of my significant other, we would once again become reaquainted. Fuck, man. Not only did this happen with Chris, but with David-Shea, too. Although, I guess it was vice versa. Apparently, David-Shea said I would be back some day. And I was. The universe listens to these requests all too well, and now I'm starting to wonder. Similar to what happened the other day, I had said I didn't want to go out and do those two photo shoots I had to do Sunday. Guess what? I didn't have to - one cancelled and one stood me up. I think I need to start watching what I put out there to the universe. This shit's weird.

But, talking to Chris has been weird. Oddly, there's a little bit of a sexual urge there. However, it'll never happen. I love Travis. The end. But, I also told Chris yesterday that there will never again be anything between us. He hurt me far too bad, and I frankly just don't have feelings for him anymore. But I feel bad for the way things have been going between Travis and I. I love him so, so much... however, there's this strange thing going on. We've been a little rocky lately, so much more in past weeks than now, but the other day I almost got some kid's number at Boulder, and now the Chris thing? I understand that Travis and I have an on again/off again sexual relationship, but I love him way too much to really worry about that. I've learned that I crave way too much of a physical relationship, and that our emotional relationship means more. I've been trying to be less clingy, less cuddly. And what's funny is things have just so happened to get better. I've been happier in general. So, it looks like things are looking up.

I'd like to go back to Jersey.

Last year while I was attending SUNY Geneseo, I had the opportunity to see the Elephant Engine Highdive Revival with Buddy Wakefield, Andrea Gibson and Derrick Brown. I was 100% (Well, I originally typed 1200%, so we'll go with that) I was 1200% captivated and moved by the poetry of all three of them, and each of them reduced me to tears on multiple occasions, and I knew I had never before seen such amazing people, and I was hooked.

The other day, I was sitting around thinking about just how much I loved listening to the poetry of those three, and how mega awesome it would be if they returned to Geneseo. Lo and behold, I was ecstatic to see on Buddy's status that he at least was returning. Unfortunately, I left Geneseo last November, the end of my first (and only) semester there because my mom had a double bypass. So, I came all the way from Rochester, a good 40 minute drive, just to see you guys. And once again, I was encompassed in the most powerful thing I have ever seen. I sat there in the crowd hoping you guys never saw the tears I shed, because you guys make me realize what life is all about. Struggling with depression, thoughts of suicide, and self hate disappear for a night and I re-learn why I'm still alive. But specifically, I want to thank you. I'm fairly sure you get letters like this all the time, and there's a chance that you won't read this. But your poems, like your letter to Neil Armstrong, or just "I Like You," made me realize that there's someone out there to love me, like I can't love myself.

I know this is all useless information from some stranger, but it's made me rethink the relationship I'm in with my boyfriend and with myself. But all I'm trying to say, is thank you. And I hope to see you perform again, because you too, have changed my life.

Michael Matthew McGee October 12 at 12:50pm Report
None of this is useless, Ashley. You wrote it because you feel a connection with what me and my fellow poets have to say. We're real, regular people. Maybe we're a little more in tune with emotion and connection than most dudes, but you wrote to me because there is hope that I would connect with you beyond the stage. It is my duty to do so. We need this.

I am so deeply honored that you would reach out to me. So very much of what I do is so that strangers might see something in each other that is familiar and familial. None of us are so different from each other that we cannot connect somehow.

I am so very glad you came back to Geneseo for our show. Let's keep in touch. Thank you for your message. It means so very much to me.

Truly,
Mike McGee

Ashley Phillipps October 12 at 1:07pm
Mike, thank you so much for getting back to me. I just sat here for like 20 minutes just in total shock that you replied to me so, so quickly. And I at this point feel like I'm out of words. I just cried my eyes out to Buddy's Crowbirds at Mockingbars, and I'm just rendered speechless by all of this. I guess all I can say is thank you, again. I really, really appreciate it.

-Ashley

Michael Matthew McGee October 12 at 1:08pm Report
You are most welcome.

When you wake up in the morning and look in the mirror and realize you have nothing good to say to yourself... you know it's going to be bad.

Wirintlkjflkjsdfsdflkj

Well, that was an epic fail. I can't even spell out what I'm doing. Let alone do it. This is probably going to be another epically ridiculous post because I can't motivate myself to do anything, or to concentrate on anything at all. I, again, had another incredibly shitty day. Recently, since about therapy Monday, I've found myself in this depressed state again. Not wanting to get out of bed, wanting to do nothing but sleep, lacking motivation even though I continue to think about doing things... It's by far the worst feeling in the entire world.

It's hard going to therapy, and then later that week just falling back into your old habits. Last week was a fairly busy week. I went out a lot, hanging with the guys (Trav and Chris), having coffee with others, talking on the phone, etc. I went out a lot. This week? Not so much. Monday, I had therapy. And since then, I've done nothing. Last night, I went to Starbucks to grab something with Tony, and then I sat down halfway through Silent Hill and finished watching it with him. I feel lonely during the days while Travis is asleep and even lonlier at night when he's at work. We keep fighting, and then some times things are okay. I know I should be out being productive, getting a job, etc. But these things are incredibly hard for me. For one, since I had my horrible experience at Tim Horton's in Victor, I've been kind of pushed back to square one, I feel like I shot myself in the foot. I'm depressed, lacking motivation, just generally feeling down. I've also felt like I want to go out and do some photo shoots. That's not happening, either. I feel like I have all of these ideas, and my camera still sits in it's bag.

I'm hoping what's coming up within the next two weeks will help things get better. I'll be getting another piercing, which is always healthy for me. Almost like another therapy. Piercings and tattoos are stress relievers for me. I love it. Also, next weekend, (not this coming weekend, but the weekend after that) is mine and Travis's two year anniversary! And that makes me so ecstatic. As much as things have been rocky recently, as we come closer and closer to the 17th, I'm constantly reminded about how much I love him, despite what's going on. I know a lot of the problems we endure have a lot to do with me and what I'm going through. It's hard enough not having a job, and not talking to my mom all the time and being at Trav's constantly. Not to mention, I'm a total handful. But I know things are getting better, and I'm super excited for what's coming up.

I also plan on doing photo shoots with some other people coming up. I know my poor camera (George) has been tucked away for far too long, and I feel like I need to go wander with my camera again. But I plan on doing some photo shoots with Brad and Sam, maybe. And I'd love to do one with Trevor, and countless other things! Talking about these things even makes me feel better. I'm learning that B.A.T. (Behavioral Activation Therapy) does work, and I have to have my head teach my hand. I think? It's one of those expressions. But I know I'm doing better.

/this metal warrior princess is falling apart.

I hate this.

micky mouse hands.

I'm falling apart at the seams.

Unwind the downward spiral.

Wanting to love myself has been the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my entire life. And wanting to love myself has also left me wanting to love what I want to do. I feel lost, like I've lost all ambition and desire for anything I once loved. Except for Travis. I still love him. Lotses.

But I know what they call this feeling... depression. Depression sucks. And I hate it. I keep thinking about how much I've found love in my Buffalo State sweat pants... and how much I just want to lay in bed, and never move again. How much I think about wanting to get out and play with my external flash that I found. How much I have been thinking about going to the beach and taking pictures again. But I don't want to move.

I felt sooooo good getting out there and working. I thought I had made the right decision. But now, I feel like I totally just shot myself in the foot. I'm hesitant about wanting to find a new job. I'm afraid it's always going to be like this. I can be rough around the edges and talk a lot, and complain about what I want, or if things aren't going the right way. And I got beraded for being overly opinionated and outspoken.

Last I knew, holding your own was something to be proud of. Now I just feel like a horrible person. This is so tiring.

I feel confined.

So, in waking up this morning, after having Travis come home from his new job, I realized just how depressed I feel. After being literally obliterated emotionally by Ed, the owner of Tim Horton's in Victor, this feeling hasn't gone away. I want to do nothing but lay in bed, or lounge around in my Buffalo State sweatpants. Nothing more. I don't want to job hunt, I don't want to go outside and enjoy the beautiful weather... I just want to sleep. And it's a horrible feeling. I feel empty inside, and slightly defeated. Because just when I thought I was going to make good for myself, and go out, get a job, and do well for myself... my world seems to come crashing down and I become a slug. A defeated slug who's confined to her newest pair of dress pants. That bothers me. The whole idea that really the only pair of pants that fits me is my new pair of dress pants. This whole entry isn't making sense... AT ALL. I guess it doesn't matter.

CUT:/

I embarked on the beginning of a life-long journey today. Today, I obtained my credit card from my Mom to go out and buy some bras. Some bras that fit me. In the past few years, I had learned that I can squeeze my large frame into a 38C bra. But that was a time when I weighed a lot less.
Between the end of March, when I started my medication called Wellbutrin and now, I’ve gained probably... 35 lbs. Not including the weight I had put on prior to March, after my Mom had her double bypass. Between that November and March, I had gained about 20 lbs. So in total, I’ve gained a good 50+ lbs. With this weight gain, I’ve become the largest I’ve ever been in my life. I’ve gone beyond my peak weight which was 275 lbs, which I had reached in middle school. With this weight gain, I’ve also acquired a new, horrible outlook. I’ve become self-conscious about every part of my body, and I’ve tried to hide it. I’ve tried to squish myself into clothes that are too tight, pants that no longer fit me, and shirts that have become too short and clingy. This included my lingerie.
For the past few years, I’ve been putting my boobs into a 38C bra, where the cups have fit, and the bands have cut into my sides. I was left with red marks that surround my breasts and my circumference, making me look even less sexy than I already felt. But I had never noticed it until a week ago. So, I decided when I went over to my Mom’s, I would grab my credit card and find a way to make myself feel better. Shopping had been an addiction for me, and it made me feel better in the short term. But now, I wanted to shop to cure an addiction... my self harm.
Though when I went to see my mom the first time and we fought, I didn’t get my card. It was just too much all at once. The fight, not talking to her, taking it without letting her know when she’s paying the bill... I couldn’t do it. But today, I went back to my mom’s house with Travis, and I asked her for it. And that’s when I took my first step in the journey. Travis and I were to meet Chris at the mall, and I thought I’d let the boys have their time, and I’d shop.
I started looking at JC Penny, Sears and the like...and I didn’t get very far. I didn’t find anything in my size... I started to look for a 40B or a 40C. One size up, I could deal with that, since I had learned the other day that now I can fill the cups of a larger band size, which I could never do before. But alas, I found nothing, and eventually parted ways with Travis so he could go with Chris. I then ventured to Lane Bryant to see what I could find. With no luck, I found full price bras. But I was determined not to give up, so I took a look at the clearance rack. I had also decided I was going to hunt down some bottoms, since none of my pants fit any more, either. I found a pair of grey skinny jeans, and I fell in love. They were a size 18, and I thought “Hey, they’re in Lane Bryant, they might fit.” I was going to attempt a bigger size, but all I found were 24s. But the 18s were no avail. They were never going to fit me. So I snuck out of the fitting room to grab the 24s in hopes that they would be just too big for me, and I’d be able to pass on them. But who could pass on a pair of pants from Lane Bryant for $9.99? I couldn’t, because the 24s fit. And I didn’t throw a fit, I didn’t want to cry for once... I didn’t find myself hating myself like I have before. So I felt as though my day was off to a good start.
I then decided I would go to Target, despite my unfortunate stomach ache. As I filtered through Target making a quick stop to browse for pants, I gathered a good five or so bras. Some of them were so cute! I even convinced myself to go for a lace non-molded cup with some leopard print accents. I felt so brave, and with that bra on, so beautiful! Unfortunately, I noticed it did the same thing the 38Cs did, they kind of bunched up around my sides. As did the other bras I had tried on. So, after another handful of bras, I gave up, and decided to look at some undies. I bought some string bikinis and I was on my way.
I decided to go to KMart, and take a look at some of those boxed bras. I know some of them can be kind of ugly, but I found a few that were decent cloth cups with wire. They looked just as normal as any other t-shirt bra, so I thought why not give them a try? I also filled my hands with as many 40Cs as I could get my hands on. I went into the fitting room and I just destroyed it! I had countless bras strewn all over the place while I left my shirt, purse and black bra crumpled up on the bench to pile through all of the bras I had picked out. Unfortunately, not a one fit. But I was determined not to give up. And I found myself picking up another huge handful of 40Cs, still to do that same bunching business under my arms as the others did. Sigh. I knew it was time to move on. So, I took a look at some undies there, and bought some more string bikinis because I was feeling them, and I got my way out of there.
I was exhausted by this point, and I stumbled my way to Dress Barn while talking to Katherine on the phone. I was in and out of there in a heartbeat, for they had no bras. I was disappointed. Fighting my way through traffic to get back to Travis’s to drop off the electronics I had hiding in my trunk. I didn’t want my camera, lap top and wii hiding in the trunk while I was in the city.
Since I hadn’t had any luck what so ever with any bras by now, I put my thinking cap on and went to Wal Mart in Irondequoit. Being in the city has made me realize that they take on a little more weight here, which means they carry bigger sizes in their stores. Though I had found a multitude of larger sizes, I put two and two together and I went one size bigger. I went to a 42C, and I grabbed 5 bras and tried them all on. I had a realization that a 42 band size fits smoothly on my sides in some bras. I had figured out the secret to life! So I piled through two trials of bras, and really only found one that fit. I know my odds for finding a bra that fits is about 1:100, so I was content. Because it all in all made me feel better. My skin wasn’t being pinched in odd places, and I could lift my hands up and down and move around without my bra even moving. What was I thinking prior to this? I then discovered a plethora of even more bras and did some digging. I wanted a black one, and boy was I determined. Unfortunately, no 42s rang my bell without making me look like a grandmother. So I paid for my single $7 bra and I was on my way to the other Target, which unfortunately had a very, very tiny selection.
I guess Target must be the upscale store, not catering to those heavy people, because there weren’t very many bras in sight over a 36 anything. But, there weren’t very many bras there any way. And there never are. However, I did weasel my way into finding a few black bras to try on, and one teal one. None of which fit me. By now, I was almost dead on my feet. I felt as though I was going to pass out, I was so hungry and totally gone. But I had one more store on my list! AJ Wright.
AJ Wright was an inspiration for me to start this journey, since I had bought this one very, very cute bra there. It was bright pink covered in black skulls. However, this one was a 38B, and did more crimping of my skin than any other bra I had ever had. But it was cheap, and it fit alright at the time, so I bought it! But it’s been giving me hell now. I tried on a a few more bras after digging through the large masses of them, and I settled on one. It was red and white striped, and came with cute matching panties. But that was the only one in the bunch that I liked. Not to mention, the pants I wanted to try on didn’t fit either. So, I finally had given up, but not after one last look. But I was NOT trying on ANY more bras. Ever. I found a few more 42Cs, and gathered them quickly. The red and white one was the most expensive, so the others were a bargain!
I was finally able to go home, though. Finally. But not to rest. I ran out the door to Starbucks after eating, and I had to see Travis again at Chris’s. But I got home probably just before 11, and I tried on all of my goodies. After my day of hard work, only three bras fit. And none of the panties did. And I was incredibly sad. But I spent the time taking what fit and sending pics to Trav to make me happy again.
Even though I had an iffy day, with trials and tribulations of accepting myself and looking for new lingerie, I feel good. Unfortunately, I’m in one of those moods where I just don’t want to sleep. I feel like I wasted away a bit of my day, and there’s more to be done. But I feel accomplished for writing this, but I think I have some thinking to do. I may just peruse the Penny Saver for jobs...

"Can you come love me Tuesday?"

I'm not good with sacrifices. Except for goats. Goats I can do. Everything else, not so much. I had to run to the mall tonight to pay my past due balance on my AT&T bill. While I left, I thought I'd stop by and get me a frapuccino. Bad idea. For one, I knew I didn't even want one, but out of such a habit, I stopped any way. But I was reaquainted with why I never get a venti normal frapuccino. For one, it's just too much. I haven't wanted one of those in a long time, and I should have known it would have been a bad idea. Normally, I get them made with soy. It's a little bit more, but, I like it better. The normal ones also come with whipped cream... eugh. I did not need this. And as I walked out of the mall with the drink in my hand I felt self conscious. I knew I didn't want it, I knew I wouldn't benefit from it. The one thing I realized is that losing weight is a sacrifice and a committment; some times even an addiction.

I have an addictive personality. Which is why things like drugs and alcohol scare me. I get addicted to the easiest things... food, shopping/spending money, coffee... lord knows that I could get addicted to much of anything. But the one thing I can't get myself to be addicted to is anything to do with weight loss. Go...figure. But I can say that the thought has never left my head. It never does. Every time I pass a mirror, a window, any sort of reflective surface, I think about it. I think about the situation I have put myself in, and how much it will take to get me out of it. Maybe I'm not ready, maybe I'm not committed enough. I can't committ myself to anything anymore. I can't commit myself to work, to school, to a life change... anything. And at this point... I can't blame anything or anyone but myself...

My hurr is now all one color :]

But that's not what's on my mind. I mean, I'm pretty excited to have my hair basically back to normal, but I've been doin' a lotta reflecting, as usual. Which is the only reason I ever write in this thing, haha. Travis and I have been talking about what's been going on. Mainly, I've been apologizing. I've put the both of us in a super strange position. I have come to terms with the fact that I love David-Shea, but now, I'm trying to hide it. It had come out when I had gone to see him, but I'm not IN love with him. Yes, I truthfully enjoy the positive attention he gives me, but I'm in a relationship. I'm in love with Travis, and nothing has actually seemed to change that. I admit, however, that I had become blinded because of the fights that Travis and I get in.

I have a hard time coping with how he treats me because of my disability. I'm not even sure what it is yet, but the more that I realize the symptoms that I'm experiencing, the easier it is to find out. However, Travis can still say hurtful things, regardless. After having my extremely long talk with Sarah for hours and hours the other night, she opened my eyes to trying to let things all roll off my shoulders. I know why Travis makes fun of me, he doesn't understand what I'm going through, which makes things a little easier to let things roll. Or at least to try to, or want to try to. Who am I kidding? It's a new thing, and I'm going to try. Also, after talking to Sarah, it made what I'm going through all seem okay. It made it seem okay to accept the "nos" that come from Travis, and that we can live two separate lives, but come together for love. I love him, I love him, I love him, what can I say?

It must be nice to love yourself.
You're taking way too long.
And I don't want to worry about it any more.
You're expendable.

Today, I feel anti-social.

I'm constantly repeating myself, and if I'm not, I really feel like I am. Tonight seems awkard, Trav's in bed already, he ate too much and didn't feel well. And I unfortunately took a nap, I fell asleep while watching Angry Beavers, I tried so hard to wake up so many times, and I just couldn't do it. Every time I started a pair of episodes, I'd fall asleep. So it's 11:11, and I'm still wide awake. And feeling guilty as ever. But, not about anything in particular.

I've felt so horrible lately, that I literally feel guilty for eating when I'm hungry. And that's a horrible, horrible feeling to have. What's even harder, is I feel like I'm alone in this battle. Travis I try to explain things to him, but I know he doesn't understand. He gets frustrated and just wants to help. I really don't want him to help, I just want him to be there for me, because truly, there's no way he can help. My therapist... is a totally different story. I understand that I'm supposed to be able to talk to Jim about anything. That's what therapists are there for. But as I've said before, I'm not 100% comfortable talking to him about certain things. One thing being my weight. I guess I'm safe to say this here, since I'm fairly sure not too many people read this. With the feeling of guilt comes the feeling of wanting to stop eating. Completely. There have been thoughts running through my mind like "Just starving myself would be easier than feeling this way." It's super duper hard dealing with this, when I know I need professional help. I feel like my impulsive binge eating has gotten a lot, a lot better recently. And I'm trying to be conscious about what I put into my body. I'm just afraid I'm too far gone.

Katherine and I had a conversation earlier about this sort of thing, I had mentioned just how difficult I find it to transform into being an active individual when I've been lazy and intimidated by exercise all of my life. I wish I had learned the values of a healthy lifestyle when I was younger. Don't get me wrong, I love my mother with all of my heart, and she's a fantastic person, but I've learned that I wish my childhood was different. My mom being a single mom and well, being Dee, was one of those parents who y'know, if she didn't feel like making dinner, it was brownies instead. And even just eating these vanilla wafers while I'm writing all of this makes me cringe and makes my stomach tie up in knots. Being so self aware can be a fantastic trait, but it can also be one that to me, at least, is intimidating. Being self aware isn't nearly as intimidating as going back to school is.

I was talking to my therapist about going back to school Wednesday, and this is a frequent conversation between Katherine and I as well. I'm super, super excited about the idea of going back to school, and being able to outshine those who I am jealous of in my age group who are also trying to be photographers. I know I'm very able, and have great potential, but settling my mind back on going to school (like everything else in the world) is terrifying. I know I need to take it one day at a time, and one step at a time... but I'm almost going so slow that I'm not doing anything in succeeding in going to school. And that's hindering me. The first step I want to take is actually going on a tour of the school. I wanted to go with Travis, but we never seem to find the time to sit down and pick out a date to go. I may wait until classes start, since I'd love to maybe take a peek at a class. Maybe I should just go on my own and fend for myself. That may be the only way to get the ball rolling. I feel also, like I should be batting at other things on my own. Weight loss included. I'm so thrown off by the idea of interdepence (which I have over the years learned a lot about) that I feel like I'm going backwards. I thought my first year of college I had defeated that phobia of asking for help, and doing things with others... but it seems like it's the only way I'm going to get anything done.

I'm so embarrassed by the situation that I am in, that I want to isolate myself and rid of everyone so I'm not embarrassing myself in front of them. That also seems to include Travis. I'm so embarrassed by my size and by the situations that I have encountered that I can't imagine why Travis wants to be with me. He tells me every day that he loves me, but as Apryl asked me the other day... Do I really love myself?

I hate this life. I really, really do. I'm miserable. And there's so much on my mind, and I feel like I don't have a way to vent. I'm over at my Mom's to use the internet, but I feel like I have to hide everything I'm doing from her. I'm afraid she'll want in on what I'm thinking, what I'm feeling. And there's always so much going on in my mind, I don't even know where to begin.

There's a lot on my mind tonight about what I want in the future. I was watching "How Do I Look?" on the Style channel, and it made me really think about how I feel. My mom and I had a talk earlier about my weight. Everything's been revolving around my weight... My mom and I talk about it, I'm embarrassed about it, none of my clothes fit, and I know what I need to do. But I'm just not sure how to do it. I know I need my hand held, and I need someone to push me. Sarah and I recently talked about running together... and I would love it. But I'm afraid. I'm so ashamed of what I've become, how big I've gotten, I literally just want to hide myself. Even though it's summer, I want to just cover up every inch of my skin. I know how to dress, and I know what fits me, and what works for me, but I don't want to own up to what's happened to me. How badly I've let myself go.

How badly I've let myself go....

How badly I've let myself go....

How badly...

I've let myself go.

I've let myself go and I'm scared. And I'm afraid all of this is going to impact my future. I'm afraid I'm never going to be successful. I've been evaluating what I want in life, and I'm afraid I'll never get there.

I want a beautiful home, it doesn't have to be huge, but it's got to have plenty of room for creativity. I want a driveway, about a mile long... I want a gorgeous comfortable bathroom, and a huge bedroom to share my space with my honey, with huge closets for my clothes, my shoes, and to store my mania. I want to be a photographer, and I want my own studio. I want to live comfortably, and never, ever have to worry. I want a movie room with plenty of room for food and friends, and I want my life to change. I don't want to be here any more... it's boring here. And hurtful. And I hate it.

Mania + Hesitation = Ashley

Mania and hesitation make up my life at this very moment. I've been talking with Trav about how terrifying the world is to me, but how badly I want to do a lot. I'm so intimidated by achieving my goals, because I'm afraid of failure. But I'm also intimidated by the simplest things in life. I'm afraid to lose weight, I'm afraid that I'll fail at losing weight, hell, I'm even afraid to just go to the library and get a new library card. I'm intimidated by new places, new people, new things... This is no way to conquer the world.

When it comes to talking about my weight, I avoid it at all costs. And I wish I could avoid it forever, but apparently that isn't going to help my situation. I've become frustrated and disgusted with myself because I've gained so much weight. So much so that I've donned the same pair of pants for like four or five days in a row because I know they fit me, and fitting into some of my clothes is just a struggle and an embarrassment. I've also for the summer given up on wearing shoes. Now, I know that in the summer, you're supposed to wear sandals and what have you, but I hate my feet (a lot less, now). But I've given up on wearing shoes mostly because it's ungodly uncomfortable to bend over and tie them. I know that sounds really pathetic, but my body has gotten so big that just doing everyday tasks is incredibly difficult. Now, I understand wholly the concept of exercise and healthy eating... but I'm having a hard time grasping it on my own. Finding an exercise that I enjoy doing is totally something I also struggle with. Upon not being able to give up my snacks. I've discovered what I love and what I hate in life, and food has become something I love AND hate. Some days, I love eating. Others, I hate food so much, and I wish I didn't have to eat to survive.

I also recently had decided that maybe I should go out and do Weight Watchers again. Back in the day, I lost about 20 lbs in a few months doing it, and I unfortunately gained all the weight back because I wasn't exercising. But I find it incredibly difficult to stick to a routine that requires me to pay attention to detail and to record things. I was recently asked to keep a food log and a mood diary, for my psychiatrist. That's since been put aside, because I frankly just hate doing it. After about two weeks, I just can't do it any more. It's obnoxious, and I hate it. That's why I'm 100% unsuccessful in counting calories, and tracking things. I just HATE it. So, I guess maybe it's not the best thing in the world for me to be doing, really. Maybe I just need to learn how to adjust my life... but that never lasts long either...

When I blog, I have to switch chairs.

Today started off well, and came screeching to a terrible halt in the end. I didn't do much today, but around 3 PM, I went to therapy. I explained (and by explained, I mean took up most of my session) to my therapist that (GOD DAMN THESE SIMPSONS!) I want to go back to school, and that Travis and I are doing well. :) All was well for a little while. Until Travis and I got into a fight, and I broke my phone, and told my mom not to worry about it.

My mom has been driving me up a wall lately. I love my mom to death, but some times, I wish she would just butt out of my business. I've never been comfortable talking to my mom about much of anything personal. I feel as though she doesn't understand me. That is the most pathetic thing I have ever heard in my entire life, and it makes me feel as though I'm a 13 year old who can't wear makeup. Right? Right. I hate it. My mom has never really grasped the concept of my mental issues which I've had stemming in my poor brain and overpowering my life since I was about 11. But to her, it's always been "well, maybe you just need a good cry and you'll get over it." Which I feel may have contributed to the fact that I have always been terrified to feel emotions. And I felt as though being emotional was a sign of weakness. I've learned recently, though, that I can overcome this whole situation. But, when my mom asked me today what was wrong, I did my best not to snap at her. This is something else I have been trying to plow over, keeping my anger under wraps. I feel as though it's gotten easier since I've been on Trileptal. I feel as though I'm becoming more and more stable, logical, and able to think. I feel level headed and just overall content. I've been having to tell others to calm themselves, when usually it's vice versa. Some times, I feel like the world is moving too fast, and at other times, too slow. I wish I had the sketch that my therapist uses to explain all of this to me.

But in feeling logical and level headed and stable, I also feel like I need to relearn my life. I need to retrain my brain to find things to do on my own, after it's been so used to being manic and doing EVERYTHING, and being depressed and not wanting to do anything but lay in bed. I feel "normal," and I'm okay with it. I just need to find things to occupy my mind with. When I'm not with friends, I feel like I need to be stimulating myself mentally. Which is why I'm all for going to school. I plan on looking into RIT, going on a tour, and thoroughly thinking about my major. I think I rushed all too much into college straight from high school with an attitude of knowing what I wanted (or thought what I wanted) to do. And it all blew up in my face. So I'm trying to take it all one step at a time...

It's just another manic...Friday?!

I was terribly unable to sleep last night - terribly. I went to bed with Trav around 1 AM, and I tossed and turned for a little bit, I knew my night was going to be less than admirable for sleep. And alas, I was right. I woke up around 5:30, and just couldn't get back to sleep. I tossed and turned, then I finally left the bed, ate some poptarts, and then just took a shower. I knew I wasn't going back to sleep any time soon, let alone at all. So I took Trav to work, and on my way to his work, I felt HORRIBLE. My stomach started to hurt, and I started to feel nauseous. It was a little hectic any way, because I could not stay out of the bathroom, either. The only thing I could think of that would do that to me was Wendy's that I had yesterday with Sarah. Come to find out, she wasn't feeling too well this morning, either. So, I stopped on my way to the Serenity House Garage Sale to grab some pepto pills. And then y'know, I did what I do with my mom at the garage sale. I shopped. lol Found some really nifty stuff :] But that's not the reason why I'm writing this entry. After I went to the garage sale, I then went with my mom to Canandaigua because I needed her to get me some 18G earrings because the one I had in my ear was missing the captive ball, and just not workin' for me. But god was I EXHAUSTED. I was so exhausted and feeling sick that I had to cancel my photo shoot with some good friends. I was rather disappointed, but we also got rained out. It was not a day for photography.

While I was at the VOA in Canandaigua because my mom wanted to look at couches, I noticed that they were looking for a cashier for 20 - 24 hours per week. And I thought "I could do that!" And just kinda let it go at that. When I got home, my mom and I discussed some money things, and I got frustrated, and I sincerely thought about applying to the VOA. Unfortunately, my head started to spin. Oh, I could work there. AND I could also help Shanna at the studio on Monday and Wednesday, and I should do this, and I should do that...

In my life, there is no happy medium. Either, I'm conquering the world like the Energizer Bunny, and going and going and going, or I'm so lethargic and depressed I don't even want to get off of my couch in my livingroom. Or be at my house. *shudders* My house is unfortunately not a home, just a place to store my stuff. And that's also depressing, and a big reason why I want to be at Trav's so often. I hate my place. It seemed opportune at the time, but now I hate being there. The place smells, I can't use my art room because it's too fucking hot, the place just literally brings a bad taste to my mouth. There's never anything there I want, or want to do. I'm so uncomfortable being there, sleeping there... ugh. (On a side note, I've totally dreampt this.) I get upset even thinking about the place. And it's horrible. I feel bad for the situation I have put my mom in, and I feel like I need to try and rekindle things. I feel like my mom and I are on edge lately. And it makes me uncomfortable. I don't feel like my mom is the mom that I grew up with. It's odd. I feel like there's so much changing in my world, and I just don't know how to handle it. I'm realizing that Trav's friends don't like me, I still don't feel ready to work or go back to school, but I'm stuck in this rut I can't get myself out of...

And this all leaves a bad taste in my mouth.

Why isn't love enough?

I'm dizzy with confusion about all that's going on these days. Travis and I keep fighting. And fighting. And fighting. And fighting. And I just don't know if I can take it any more. But I also don't want to deal with the humiliation and embarrassment that come from breaking up with Travis. The way his friends banished me and made me feel like I wasn't a part of the circle any more, no one acknowledged me, and it made me feel horrible. I'm the outcast, even when I'm there with everyone. All I've ever wanted was to fit in and find my place with Travis and his friends. And god knows I do not need all of this pain. I hurt bad enough going through my depression and having to try and "fix" myself. Going to therapy, working with medications, being on temporary assistance which isn't doing enough for me to help me. My mom paying all of my bills, her kicking Daniel out... jesus christ I don't need this. But I just don't know what to do.

Hold it in.

Hold it in.

Hold it in.

Hold it in.

Hold it in.

Hold it in.

Hold it in.

Hold it in.

Hold it in.

Hold it in.

Hold it in.

Hold it in.

Hold it in.

Hold it in.

Hold it in.

Hold it in.

Hold it in.

Hold it in.

Hold it in.

Hold it in.

Take a really, really deep breath... and just hold it all in.

I've had a very difficult time recently attempting to write with all these distractions. I'm attempting to watch The Simpsons, and they're episodes I've never seen, so I want to watch AND write at the same time. But what's really important is what's on my mind that I've been trying so desperately to get out. Today has been one of those odd days, where I'm kinda up and down. When Travis got home earlier, because he wasn't feeling well, and after not seeing him for a few days, I totally fell in love again. It was so sweet, but we both went to take a nap, and when I got up, all I wanted was his attention, and when I wasn't getting it, I got kinda sad. Not to mention earlier, I was feeling rather down.

This morning I went out to get something to eat, and go out to Irondequoit Bay and take some pictures. I had Mc Donalds for lunch, and walked around for maybe 20 minutes, if that, took a few snapshots, and was kinda disappointed because even the water fowl was boring today. lol But when I returned to Trav's place, I felt utterly exhausted. This has been happening quite frequently. I have been sleeping through the night, and doing very, very little in the day and after doing this little tiny stuff, I'm so tired. I'm not sure what's causing it, but that's just the beginning. Some times, I find my hands and stuff falling asleep, for no reason, when I'm not doing anything... And I feel as though all of these problems are coming from my weight. I lack energy, doing normal things is becoming difficult, and my clothes are not fitting well. But I must admit, I feel so lost...

I feel like I need to re-learn how to eat. I know I can do this, I know I can lose the weight... but I'm not sure if I'm ready. I can't wrap my mind around how hard it is going to be to do it. It will be extraordinarily difficult at first... but I need to do it. I just need help. I literally need someone to hold my hand through all this, I need guidance... and I don't know where to get it. I have an appointment with a nutritionist in September, but what do I do between now and then? Suffer? Feel horrible for myself? I need a hand...

"She could be living the happiest life ever and still be discontent."

I want my life back.

There are no freaking words to describe how I feel right now.
And if there are, son of a bitch I can't find them.

I'm constantly sick to my stomach lately. Nerves, over eating... you name it. And it's horrible. I feel physically terrible. I've been over eating like the world is going to end tomorrow, and I'm out of control. I also feel like I'm always tired. I am sleeping a full night's sleep, taking naps, and I'm still lethargic. I'm starting to wonder if there is something wrong with me...

I'm going to be honest, frustration seems to be my middle name. Things haven't exactly been just a bunch of roses, and I hate it. The thought of last night makes me cringe, even though I had a fantastic time watching the movies and spending time with Travis. And the thought of tonight makes me cringe once again. Frustrating, isn't it? That just one person can ruin everything for you. Most people say that it's you yourself that lets it bother you, but I disagree, to an extent. With as uncontrollable as I am in general, it's truly difficult to just let things slide, especially when you've been hurt this badly. The thought of it makes me not want to go tonight - between that and Travis's attitude and apparently "forgetting" that I couldn't go to Liz's grad party because he needed my car... it all becomes so taxing. I know Travis thinks it's just "one of my moods," but I feel as though it's not. It's all my fault, though, you know? Always. I'm the one who's a train wreck, I'm the one who's always overly emotional and ruining everything. And again, I wish to end this entry with a giant "fuck you." But I shouldn't. A lot of my entries have been ending that way, in a "fuck everybody" sort of sense. I just get so frustrated with people, it's not even funny. When I feel as though I haven't done anything wrong and I get attacked, all I want to do is shove people away. I mean, when I become discontent with myself and others, I tend to want to just be alone. I'm also tired of wanting to know if things are normal. What's normal for me, seems to be frustrating to everyone else. Apparently I'm repeating myself.

So I'm'a feelin' a wee bit nostalgic.

So, for some god forsaken reason, I had the thought of this kid 'Erik Bardo,' pop into my head recently. And what's mildly hilarious, is I found him on facebook. He was Chris's best friend, who I loved to pieces. He intimidated me because he was well spoken, learned, and just an all around great person set in his ways. And I loved this kid for it! And it was rather odd, because that's... nothing like what Chris was. Matter of fact, I'm sitting here thinking

"What the fuck was I thinking?!"

when it comes to Chris. But eh, you live and learn. I have my Travvy, and that's all that matters. :) But I have to giggle, truly. Because I recently also found pictures from Chris's birthday party I threw him, and Erik was there. And there's this one picture that Hurley took of Erik and I sitting on my bed, he's hugging my stuffed Stripe. And I'm tellin' ya, I friggin' loved this kid. But I had to write this out only to giggle to myself about the most hilarious memory I have of him. I don't know what my infatuation is with this kid all of a sudden, but it's hilarious.

One night, it was about mid-summer, and I'm fast asleep in my bed. All of a sudden, I hear this tapping at my window on my left. Then all I hear through my window is "It's okay... it's Chris and Erik. *tap tap tap* It's okay... it's Chris and Erik.. *tap tap tap* It's okay... it's Chris and Erik." And obviously I woke up and let them in, but it was so odd. It was like 2 AM, and like a weeknight. Some how they had found their way from Marion to my house... ah, man. I don't know why, but I just had to laugh about that.

Back to the old grind

Well, what's mildly hilarious is that I ended my post yesterday on a sour note actually due to my mom throwing out one of my favorite sweaters. Odd, I know. Unfortunately, though, my thoughts haven't changed, and I'm still rather confused about well... my body. Talking it over with Travis last night got kind of monotonous, you know? I talk about it, talk about it, talk about it, talk about it, then I get TOTALLY sidetracked and never do anything about it. Last night was a trainwreck, too. Travis bought me a package of cookies, and I was all excited, they were the dutch cocoa soft batch cookies. Also known as the freakin' cookies to die for. :) But any way, we came home, and started to watch Tales from the Crypt cartoon show, and I was eatin' up my cookies. Unfortunately, I ate...all of them. And I told myself I wouldn't. But I get frustrated about 3/4 of the way through the package. Growing up, I was always under the impression never to waste food. And that's something I have struggled with all of my life. So I got about 3/4 of the way through the package, and lo and behold I told myself "well, there aren't THAT many left, I can finish them." And so I nibbled on them some more, and then I got to the point where I knew I was full, and starting to get a wee bit uncomfortable. But there were only like two cookies left. And my mind thought "Either you eat them, right now, or you throw them out." For some reason, there seems to be no inbetween. So I ate 'em. And that's when I realized that I was in some sort of trouble. I looked at the package, and realized that my thoughts were true. I had just eaten 10 cookies, at 110 calories a piece. Now I'm no mathematician, but unfortunately, doesn't that ring up to...oh... 1100 calories? That's half of what a normal daily allowance for a chick should be. No wonder I've gained so much weight. Katherine was right, I had been eating like 1200 calories in one sitting, frequently. And apparently I'm still doing it.

It made me do some quick thinking last night, though. I remember my recent lowest weight was probably just about a year out of high school, I was down to like 240 lbs. Now being at the biggest I've EVER been, I think that's a sustainable goal. However, I did some major thinking to how I lost that weight. That was the most important part. And how I did it was weight watchers. Now mind you, my face scrunches up in disgust any time I think of having to do ANYTHING involving counting to lose weight, so the thought of weight watchers is kind of a downer. So is counting calories. So is being vegan. So is watching what I eat...blah blah blah. However, my biggest struggle is the fear of what others will think about me switching around diet to diet, and that's what my biggest problem is, too. I don't want a DIET. I want an adaptable healthy lifestyle. I know I should be using these tools as guidelines for life, not just as a diet, but unfortunately, I need to be strict with myself like some of these things make you. But on the down side, I lack the motivation to keep myself in line. And then it's like, what do I do at this point?

I had finally gone back to my quack of a doctor and asked for a referral, though, for the dietician. Unfortunately, the dietician they set me up with ( and I still have no idea who they made the appointment with ) can't get me in until September. So what do I do? Suffer, complain, be depressed and hate myself until then? I don't wanna! I sound like a child having a temper tantrum, but jesus christ, what do I do at this point? I'm uncomfortable doing everyday activities, I don't feel like myself, I feel like a bloated dead animal who's been hit on the side of the road by a dump truck, I mean... these feelings can't last any longer, or I'm going to explode. Seriously. At this point, I'm just not sure what to do...

There's been a lot going on taking a toll on my emotions and how I feel about myself especially. I just walked in the house, after cleaning up my bedroom, waxing my face, and getting my laundry out of the washer and bringing it over to my mom's to dry, and I'm 100% winded, miserable, and hot. And it's frustrating. Beyond frustrating. I was talking to Liz this morning about how much I hate my weight, and I hate where I am, and we came down to the same conclusion. That obviously exercise works. Unfortunately, I become deterred because I hate exercise. If there was one thing in the world that I can truly say that I hate, I loathe, I dislike, I don't care for, etc. etc. etc. I feel less than motivated

Fuck this. I hate... you. Fuck you.

The rage I feel some times is almost uncontrollable. I know life isn't fair, and I know we all have to experience things, but that never seems to stop me from being able to hate people. I hate the little bitch who ruined my relationship with the person I love, I hate the little bitch who's taken my father away from me, I hate all of you. I hate every single one of you who makes me feel insecure about myself, I hate you, I hate these feelings, and most of all, I FUCKING HATE YOU.

Sometimes... only some times...

I wish I could put into words the way I was feeling right now. I've been kinda too busy to blog, gallivanting around with Trav and the like, but I'm finally home (at Trav's) alone, listening to Depeche Mode in an uncomfortable chair. So, it sounded like beautiful blogging conditions to me. Trav's off at practice, and I'm here dwelling on life. Truly, I wish I could put into words how I felt right now. I have this crazy inferiority complex about me, and it crushes my spirit quite frequently. It's bad enough that I feel as though I'm not being successful when it comes to weight loss, among other things, but feeling inferior drives me crazy. If it's not me crying because I feel physically inferior, I feel like I'm metaphysically inferior, attributing to interests n such. I get upset when I see girls with large chests, or who are bigger, yet I feel are more beautiful than I. I always think to myself "Does Travis think they're hot?" or "I bet you Travis thinks they're attractive, or more attractive than me." I feel inferior in many ways, physically. I feel fat, uncontrollable, disgusting... I've apparently lost like 5 lbs, but god I know I'm not doing enough. I'm still over eating, luckily, I haven't been binge eating like I have in the past... but I know I'm not being as cautious and conscious of what I'm putting in my mouth as I should be. Like this morning, I ate soy ice cream and oreos for breakfast. Not exactly healthy. Not exactly to say that it's helping me get anywhere. I thought being vegan would limit my choices, unfortunately, I've learned that it's got it's cheating ways... Spicy Sweet Chili Doritos, Oreos, Soy Ice Cream... yeah, some of it's expensive, but I can NOT resist my sweets. Or! Fast food... mostly slurpees and fries. I need an alternative, something quick, something convenient, something sweet. I wish I could have chocolate, really badly. But I've been doing well enough, right?

But when it comes to me feeling inferior to interests, I'm so, so terribly afraid that Travis will stray from me if he ever finds someone else who is interested in what he is, more so than I am. There's a certain female friend who is into what he's into, and I can blatantly I say I hate her. I want to be into what he's into, so he pays attention to me... like she's into what he's into. I'm afraid our difference in activities or movies or what have you will drive him away from me. I'm afraid I'm not good enough, I'm not into enough of the things he's into. And I hate another certain person for what she's into. Yes, it's mostly females. I feel inferior to most of them. And it fills me with rage. I hate it, I hate it. I fucking hate it.

Why is it that loving yourself is the most important thing in life, and yet it's the hardest thing to do?

I went out today to put on a pair of roller blades I haven't worn since I was like 10. Well, I don't think I EVER wore them, ever, but shockingly enough, they fit. Unfortunately, my plan for roller blading failed miserably, as usual. And I've found myself more disappointed than ever. I don't know what's been up with myself lately, but I'm terrible. I've developed this ungodly feeling of hatred for myself and who I am, and my body. It's truly terrible, because I haven't felt this bad in SO long, so, so long. And I just don't know what to do with myself. I have found myself obsessing and needing Travis's reassurance constantly - hell, I called him 27 times last night because he wouldn't answer his phone. I just don't know what's wrong with me... I hate who I am, and I hate what I can and can't do. I don't know what to do with myself...

I've decided I hate you. Don't try to be my friend, don't try to talk to me. It's bad enough that you took my father away from me, and now he's doing nothing but ignoring me, pretending he loves your mother, and catering to you. Don't try to get in on the family that I have loved all of my life, and who has loved me. You weren't around, you'll never fit in. I fucking hate you.

Self diagnosis at it's best.

Any little spur of something I feel like reporting here, I'm not sure if that's healthy or what. However, I was doing a little research on depression, 'cause I'm feeling rather blue today. At least the past few hours, I have. I was fine until I left Starbucks, and then it seems like I got back to the beach (a whopping 5 minute travel) and I was down, feeling as though my emotions were a reflection of the weather. Rainy, dull, grey. However, this seems normal to me for me to be okay one minute, writing, writing, and then the next, I'm just down. For no reason, nothing to pinpoint. However, I think I may have guilted myself on my frappucino. As per usual. I noticed I had a little extra money in my account, and I was feelin' it, so I went and got myself a frappucino. And I savored it, like I normally don't, and I downsized, I only got a medium. It was a start, right? But then I started to think that it was a bad idea for me to spend $5 on a drink, when I'm broke as hell, and for me to take in the calories I don't need. But I was fighting with myself since I walked out the door to go get the damn thing. But I got it any way, and tried to savor and enjoy it. So much for that entry from yesterday stating that I should stray from Starbucks among other things. I feel like I fail when I do these kinds of things, I feel like I have no self control.

But the other thing that bothered me while I was doing my depression research are some of the symptoms.

1.) difficulty concentrating, remembering details, and making decisions

- I can't remember where I place things, and I often find myself being completely indecisive. Like just now, I was utterly dumb when it came to picking out my frappuccino. I couldn't pick. I also have mini-civil wars in my head over the simplest things on where to decide to eat, what to wear, what I want to buy, IF I want to buy something... bah.

2.)fatigue and decreased energy

- Eh, I never wanna do shit.

3.)feelings of guilt, worthlessness, and/or helplessness

- My obsession with saying "I'm Sorry" seems to wrap this one up in a nutshell. I'm forever needing to apologize for feeling like I've done the slightest thing wrong, and feeling terrible for it. I must be reassured that everything is okay. Constantly.

4.)feelings of hopelessness and/or pessimism

- Pessimism is my middle name ;)

5.)insomnia, early-morning wakefulness, or excessive sleeping

- I feel like I've been sleepin' like a freakin' rock. I feel like Rip Van Winkle, truthfully. 12 hours of sleep, or something to that story, or I feel like I'm gonna just fall over and be miserable. Not to mention, some times, even though I've been sleeping that much, I still feel the need to take a nap.

6.)irritability, restlessness

- Irritability? Restlessness? I always feel like I need to be the energizer bunny, I'm constatnly going, I must be doing something, I can't just relax. And I'm always irritable, yelling about the littlest things. Ask Travis.

7.)loss of interest in activities or hobbies once pleasurable, including sex

- I don't feel as though this affects me as much, really. I do what I normally did. Which isn't much. I get incredibly bored, though, and feel as though I have no motivation for anything.

8.)overeating or appetite loss

- Unfortunately, this one appears to be a given. I'm not my weight for no reason.

9.)persistent aches or pains, headaches, cramps, or digestive problems that do not ease even with treatment

- Luckily, my downiness isn't physical. :)

10.)persistent sad, anxious, or "empty" feelings

- I'm usually sad, like Travis said today "Well, feeling down lately? Don't you mean all the time?" It's true, a gbood 95% of my days leave me feeling "down." Although, Iwant to disagree with that, but I think Trav's right. Maybe it's about 85% though. I'll give myself a little leeway.

11.)thoughts of suicide, suicide attempts

- I'm not that stupid.

This is going to appear as utterly pathetic, but I just want to be left alone. Lindsay just came home from work, and I'm here alone at the apartment because Trav's over at Will's birthday party, and I don't know if it's just because the past few days have been loaded with people, or what, but I literally just want to be left alone. I was on facebook just a few minutes ago, and I got super frustrated. I went to send Tim a keytar link, and I found out that Tim deleted me. That really bothers me, you know? And then, I have an event invitation from WBER Local Show. It's dumb juvenile shit like that which makes me want to delete my facebook. I know I sound just as immature as the whole situation is, but people make me want to puke. There are just days where I want nothing to do with anybody, and I guess today is one of them. "Barf" seems to be in my vocabulary today as to how I feel. At least the past few hours. I woke up okay, but now I'm miserable as can be, and people just keep loading in the door. Lindsay came home, Caleb just came home... and I want to just go hide in Travis's room. I'm feeling quite anti-social and still hungry, but I feel ungodly stupid and vulnerable to my own emotions. How fair is that, world?

I also still feel like I'm eating too much. How fair is that, world? I'm munching on some kettle corn to soothe my emotions, I guess. My anger, my hate, my need to watch something melt. Eh. I guess I need to start taking more of this world with a grain of salt, and just focus on what I want to do and who I want to be. I did a little self discovery today, while visiting Border's in Henrietta. I discovererd I want to make a TON of things. I want to learn the art of jewelry making, AND I want to learn how to knit. I have a feeling I could really keep myself occupied with all of this nonsense. Although, it's not nonsense, it's awesome. My fear being, though, not spending enough time with Travis. I know him and I need time apart, but being away from him gets so frustrating, mainly at night. I rely on his body being next to mine for comfort and a feeling of safety, mostly. I don't mind if he goes and does his own thing, ever, but his companionship is important to me. Being as though I did learn to live without him for the like two minutes we were broken up, (which never should have happened, and I have yet to forgive myself for), I enjoy his company and I enjoy him being there for me. I love him. I love him lots and lots, and I think our selfish immature personalities take a toll on that some times. We argue about dumb shit, but we're trying to solve all of it.

Like tonight, I got pissed finally for having to wait for him while picking him up at work. It's selfish to say that I wait for no one, but it's true. I wait for no one, especially when doing one a favor. So, we got into a dumb tiff, and we settled it by me not picking him up from work any more. And that works for me, it seems fair. Another way for us to distance ourselves a wee bit, and yeah. Om nom nom.

So I've been struggling with this whole vegan thing lately, to be honest. I've been trying my best to avoid meat, animal products, etc. all while loading up on oreos and soy ice cream. I know I'm new to this, but I need to get myself on track. I think I'm doing fairly well, but I at the same time don't feel as though I'm doing well enough. I scolded Travis the other day for not challenging himself and not thinking outside of the box - well, apparently I need to do the same thing. I've been trying super hard, but I think maybe I need to try harder, and not let my stress get to me too badly. To me, stress has been a killer, leaving me with a longing for convenience. And I'm not talking 7-11 convenience, I'm talking fast food convenience. The other day, I stopped at Burger King, while with Travis, Lindsay and Brendan for some fries. Which to me was okay, Travis and I discussed while we were around people, we can do fast food. However, if it is just him and I, we want to refrain from it and from chinese food. So we have been holding our bargain there, which we avoided fast food last night, and went to Wegmans instead. We got some snackies so we didn't have to make anything, so we could just come home and watch the Simpsons, but that's where the Oreos came into play. Sigh. But I can only work up from here. So I make a list...as in prior entries.

THINGS TO AVOID:

x Oreos

x Starbucks frapuccinos

x Fast food joints

x Chinese buffets

x Products with the "May contain..." labels\

x Soy ice cream

And I think that's all for now. I think it's all just a matter of cracking down again, forever, really. I think I can do it.

son of a fucking bitch//i'm a beautiful fucking disease.

On any given day, I feel like I could eat a whole package of Oreos. But not today. And I feel proud of myself for that. There's still almost a whole sleeve left on the right side, that's an accomplishment. I sat down with Travis and the NP I've been seeing at my therapist's office today, and I came out of there feeling like I was just glowing. Barbara told me to look at myself in the mirror in the morning and tell myself that I'm gorgeous and an awesome person. And I feel like some times I can do that. Just sometimes, though, but I'm working on it. Like today, yeah, I've probably crammed myself with a few more calories than I'd like to admit, but I blame being away from Travis, no lies. I feel like being home is my worst enemy, for the most part, especially since I don't have anything to do. I need a newer, better TV to hook up my Wii and what not, and I also need a kitchen table (or any table for that matter!) to sew on. So trying to keep my mind and hands busy is a challenge some times, and I find myself doing a lot of thinking, which isn't necessarily a bad thing. But I've found myself doing a lot of thinking about my weight as usual. There's something about this medication that I'm on (my anti-convulsant) which has got me thinking like a level headed logical person, which has put me at ease, [I just realized that if you remove the space between me & at you get meat!] and I have found myself slightly comfortable with wanting to lose weight and putting forth the effort, to where prior, everything 'intimidated' or 'scared' me. And I put those little quotation marks around those words because I guess they really didn't intimidate or scare me, I guess I just didn't have the balls, or I was just too lazy. But I do feel like a different person, now. I feel creative, and like nothing is off limits...

Unfortunately, I still can't focus all the time. The NP asked me about that today, too, and I explained to her I need like total, utter silence and no distractions when doing a lot of things because I lose my train of thought and it never comes back, like just now. I felt as though I had a point to make, and I switched windows to my conversation with Liz...and I lost it. lol But that's okay, I'll switch topics again (as I talk to myself) about my life list. Son of a bitch I want to learn how to skateboard. Specifically because I'm pondering the idea of what activities are out there which ARE exercise, but are also enjoyable for me. For one, I've been trying super hard to get out there and take pictures, which is forcing me to walk more. Unfortunately, I'm also finding out that flip flops SUCK for walking. I wish I had the cash to hunt down a decent pair of flip flops, because my right leg is constantly giving me sharp pains up it like on the side of my calf when I walk distances in shitty shoes or flip flops. One factor I think is weight with that, really, the other being well, shitty support.

Speaking of shitty support, bah. Forget it.

I've got my momma's smile and my daddy's gun.

I snerk in my head at the idea of my "daddy's gun." It's Father's day. Father's day brings out a whole different side of me some times. Katherine and I were measuring my whitetrashiness yesterday, and we brought up the idea of writing a story about quote/endquote all of my fathers. And I was thinking about it. I have a father who is an alcoholic, one who steals, and one who's unemployed. I'm batting a thousand in that category. And I try my absolute hardest not to think about what happened on Father's Day five years ago, when Daniel crashed his semi. But let's not think about that.

I've had a lot of time here with Travis lately, and I've been doing a LOT of thinking and writing. For one, I've noticed that 1 PM seems to be the time that my body feels the need to wake up. I'm not gonna lie, I've been stayin' up kinda late with Travvy, but that's okay, I just miss waking up at like 10 or 11 vs... like 1 when the day is half over and feeling like I get nothing done. But alas, what can I do? I can only change things myself. Which is something I'm learning the hard way, especially today. This morning I woke up to take Travis to work, and I was starving... so I ate what was left of his donut holes. Unfortunately, the trend started last night while watching Friday the 13th Part III, though. He had brought home these coconut covered donuts, which were vegan. Until I read more into the ingredients and they had the "less than two percent of..." disclaimer. *sigh* So, I made a mistake last night, AND this morning. And then earlier, I went to put on my cammo shorts... I knew they weren't gonna fit. But I didn't think it was going to be THAT bad. *sigh* I feel like I've tried to do so well lately, but I just end up failing any way.

love yourself.
love yourself.
love yourself.
carry a camera.

Raw.
Red.
Raw.
Razorblades.
Rust red.
Raw//Raw.


Yup. What am I thinking about doing this? What am I proving to myself? The hope of the chance that I'd never have with any guy any way? I mean, I don't know what I'm thinking any way. Am I just destroying myself? I lost my train of thought.

Apparently for me, instant gratification isn't instant enough. I have had some dumb thoughts going through my mind this morning. I guess I expected to attack being a vegan and be totally 100% successful, and lose like 5 lbs just by making the change. lol But then I realized, I still need to put nutrients into my body, and if I don't give it close to what it had before, it'll freak out. But it's okay, I'm a work in progress right? Right. And unfortunately with this work in progress, I've also lost the patience of others. It's like I've taken too long to take the right steps in the right direction and everyone's getting angry at me.

Trav and I got into a fight last night that carried over onto this morning. And it was rather disappointing, really. Earlier in the evening last night we ran into his father and Dee at Target. I went about our business talking to them like it was nothing new, like nothing had ever happened. Then Travis decided to say his piece, that he thinks his father is also upset with me because I broke up with him and doesn't want to see him hurt. And that's all fine, I 100% understand why everyone is so leery of me, especially after what happened. I don't want to blame the whole thing on the medication, but for my peace of mind, I like to think that it really never happened. None of it. I made dumb decisions, I was making rash, crazy decisions. I wasn't myself. But what hurts the most is that the people that I thought I should trust, and I thought loved me and cared about me, they seem not to be. Everyone's making me out to be the bad guy, but where were they when Travis cheated on me? Or when I was depressed? Katherine and Lindsay were really the only ones there for me at that time. And Travis, too, obviously, at least when I was depressed. But so much has changed. He gets so impatient with me and my emotions now, and it's hurtful because I'm trying so hard to get help. I'm trying to become a better person... and it's so hard.

But I guess maybe there's so much about myself that I haven't realized up until recently or that I haven't wanted to admit that I need to work on. Mostly, my self esteem. In talking to Travis last night, I really finally admitted that a lot of the reason why I'm so anxious to have sex is because it makes me feel loved and wanted. I don't feel beautiful any more, really. A lot of the time only then. I'm a chick who weighs now about 300 lbs, has a mohawk, is always battling with feelings of depression, can't work, can't concentrate or stick to completing anything... No wonder I don't love myself. I'm a demanding, impatient, hurting, fucked up..thing... No wonder applying 9 positive words to myself was so difficult. I don't see myself in a positive light. I'm always confused, hurt, crushed, unhappy, disgusted, angry, rebellious... all of these negative feelings. No wonder. No wonder I can't hold a fucking job, I don't feel like I have any skills, or any positive assets to my personality...

I’m discovering new things about myself day in and day out. At least recently, I’ve been seeing things in a positive light, and trying to rationalize and think logically rather than acting on impulse. And I feel as though I’ve been doing well. My bank account has stayed in the positives, I’m getting all the paperwork done I need to get done, I’m trying to keep my head screwed on right... y’know, it’s difficult. But I’m thankful to be taking care of these difficulties now, rather than ten or twenty years from now... when it would all be so much worse. But truthfully the way I see it, is I have at least the next year of my life, to sort things out. To sort myself out, to focus on therapy, and discovering what good there is to me, and what skills I have, and things I can accomplish.

This morning I stepped on the scale for the first time in months.

So, I'm chowing on this little egg, cheese and canadian bacon thing that's like a hot pocket in a circle just sitting here pondering. I had a rather eventful day, considering I got to keep my place. I woke up and went to therapy, and unfortunately my session was used to fill out my papers :( But that's okay, Jim is going away for a week or so, and things would be mighty hectic without it. And then I went over to Social Services, and I'm not gonna lie, I met some rather nice, interesting people today. That never happens at DSS lol. But I also was able to find myself a temporary social worker, who come to find out, not only KNEW my father, but had a crush on him years ago! Welp, didn't I feel like a moron, being all "well, he's a worthless alcoholic, and I don't need him, blah blah blah." haha. Ah, well. But I have food stamps starting tomorrow, and I'm going to be getting rent assistance as well. :) I'm'a tryin'.

I learned today that keeping a level head and basically kissing ass can unfortunately get you a long way. I told Coleen that I just want to move on from what happened with the deck, all sore feelings aside, and pursue keeping the trailer. She said she had others that were interested in buying it for more money than myself would be purchasing it for, but she said she doesn't mind doing me the favor. And I really appreciate it. I still feel as though this is an amazing opportunity for me, especially to get settled and established. It's made me feel capable, rather than frustrated about feeling incapable, and all of these situations as an interlocking whole have really made me do some thinking.

Becoming an adult has by far been the most difficult thing I've ever encountered before. I know that sounds ultimately silly because duh - becoming an adult is supposed to be frustrating and hard. But I never expected it to be THIS hard. I've put myself into some sticky positions especially financially, and I'm on the road to digging myself back out. Saying all of these things just truly some times does not sound like me... it alarms me some times. And I become intimidated as mentioned before. These upswings just worry me, I'm so afraid that they won't last, I feel like I don't know what to do with them. Do I enjoy them while I can? Or do I fear that I know that they're going to go away? It seems like an empty glass complex. My glass can be half full and I can enjoy it, or it can be half empty and I can worry about them going away. Being able to rationalize these things is really important to me, since I feel as though I've never been able to do it before, but it can also feel very intimidating, since it makes me wonder why I haven't ever been able to do it before? I should be trying to be positive, and realize that I am getting better and able to improve upon myself, but alas, I'm left with the empty glass complex.

So I thought I'd update while watching Demons because there's a ton of stuff on my mind. I tried updating my hand written journal today, because my NP at the therapist's office asked me to keep a journal on my feelings and on what I'm eating and stuff since I've been put on a new medication. But while I was mid-writing while watching Terror at Blood Fart Lake, I got totally distracted and totally forogt what I was writing about. The therapist the other day asked me if I was or had been diagnosed with ADD/ADHD or was treated for anything rleated to that like given ritalin or anything. Nope. Do I think I may have adult ADHD? Probably. lol Daniel's told me plenty of times that I carry a lot of the characteristics for someone who has ADHD. But all of this truly worries me. I haven't been so self aware before, and a part of me is kind of scared about it. I'm not too keen on knowing what's wrong with me, or that there is something wrong with me. For 20 years, all of these habits has been just me, just who I am. I find myself more and more each day uncomfortable with who I am. I'm self conscious, and angry. I've been so angry and upset lately. And so utterly confused. Today, as I wrote in my phyiscal journal, I had gotten upset while I was at the mall with Travis. We were in FYE after returning some stuff at Hot Topic so I could get some gas money, and I decided I wanted to go and get coffee from Starbucks. I got halfway out of FYE and I stopped myself. I realized that I had little money on me, and that I needed to save it for gas, I was being good. And so I went back to Travis, and had him hurry up through the Blu Rays, and he got kinda angry at me for rushing him. I did feel bad, but as we walked out of the mall, I started to think about the whole situation. I wanted to get back because we were meeting one of his friends, we still had go to go Henrietta, and then go and pick up some snacks for tonight. But, when we had left, I just realized that nothing can be easy for me. I have to fight, and fight, and fight with myself. I have to go out of my way to avoid things, and I have to always fight to get away from what I consider bad situations for myself, a lot of the time, that's why I don't bother. That's like why I binge eat, I know it's a bad thing to do, but I can't pull myself away from it easily. So I just give in. I want to have the self confidence to fight it, and to do well for myself. But it seems so hard, everything seems like it always has to be a struggle for me. And I feel as though I'm on top of things, but recently as talking to my NP at therapy, I realized that some times I'm on top of the world and that I can do anything, then other times, I'm just the lowest of lows. And my in betweens scare me. And my manic phases scare me. Like I said, I need to elminate the word "scare(d)(s)" from my vocabulary, along with many other things. Especially words relating to my poor self esteem. I have so much more I want to write right now, but I just can't focus enough to bring myself to do it. I feel lethargic, and distracted.