"Can you come love me Tuesday?"

I'm not good with sacrifices. Except for goats. Goats I can do. Everything else, not so much. I had to run to the mall tonight to pay my past due balance on my AT&T bill. While I left, I thought I'd stop by and get me a frapuccino. Bad idea. For one, I knew I didn't even want one, but out of such a habit, I stopped any way. But I was reaquainted with why I never get a venti normal frapuccino. For one, it's just too much. I haven't wanted one of those in a long time, and I should have known it would have been a bad idea. Normally, I get them made with soy. It's a little bit more, but, I like it better. The normal ones also come with whipped cream... eugh. I did not need this. And as I walked out of the mall with the drink in my hand I felt self conscious. I knew I didn't want it, I knew I wouldn't benefit from it. The one thing I realized is that losing weight is a sacrifice and a committment; some times even an addiction.

I have an addictive personality. Which is why things like drugs and alcohol scare me. I get addicted to the easiest things... food, shopping/spending money, coffee... lord knows that I could get addicted to much of anything. But the one thing I can't get myself to be addicted to is anything to do with weight loss. Go...figure. But I can say that the thought has never left my head. It never does. Every time I pass a mirror, a window, any sort of reflective surface, I think about it. I think about the situation I have put myself in, and how much it will take to get me out of it. Maybe I'm not ready, maybe I'm not committed enough. I can't committ myself to anything anymore. I can't commit myself to work, to school, to a life change... anything. And at this point... I can't blame anything or anyone but myself...

My hurr is now all one color :]

But that's not what's on my mind. I mean, I'm pretty excited to have my hair basically back to normal, but I've been doin' a lotta reflecting, as usual. Which is the only reason I ever write in this thing, haha. Travis and I have been talking about what's been going on. Mainly, I've been apologizing. I've put the both of us in a super strange position. I have come to terms with the fact that I love David-Shea, but now, I'm trying to hide it. It had come out when I had gone to see him, but I'm not IN love with him. Yes, I truthfully enjoy the positive attention he gives me, but I'm in a relationship. I'm in love with Travis, and nothing has actually seemed to change that. I admit, however, that I had become blinded because of the fights that Travis and I get in.

I have a hard time coping with how he treats me because of my disability. I'm not even sure what it is yet, but the more that I realize the symptoms that I'm experiencing, the easier it is to find out. However, Travis can still say hurtful things, regardless. After having my extremely long talk with Sarah for hours and hours the other night, she opened my eyes to trying to let things all roll off my shoulders. I know why Travis makes fun of me, he doesn't understand what I'm going through, which makes things a little easier to let things roll. Or at least to try to, or want to try to. Who am I kidding? It's a new thing, and I'm going to try. Also, after talking to Sarah, it made what I'm going through all seem okay. It made it seem okay to accept the "nos" that come from Travis, and that we can live two separate lives, but come together for love. I love him, I love him, I love him, what can I say?

It must be nice to love yourself.
You're taking way too long.
And I don't want to worry about it any more.
You're expendable.

Today, I feel anti-social.

I'm constantly repeating myself, and if I'm not, I really feel like I am. Tonight seems awkard, Trav's in bed already, he ate too much and didn't feel well. And I unfortunately took a nap, I fell asleep while watching Angry Beavers, I tried so hard to wake up so many times, and I just couldn't do it. Every time I started a pair of episodes, I'd fall asleep. So it's 11:11, and I'm still wide awake. And feeling guilty as ever. But, not about anything in particular.

I've felt so horrible lately, that I literally feel guilty for eating when I'm hungry. And that's a horrible, horrible feeling to have. What's even harder, is I feel like I'm alone in this battle. Travis I try to explain things to him, but I know he doesn't understand. He gets frustrated and just wants to help. I really don't want him to help, I just want him to be there for me, because truly, there's no way he can help. My therapist... is a totally different story. I understand that I'm supposed to be able to talk to Jim about anything. That's what therapists are there for. But as I've said before, I'm not 100% comfortable talking to him about certain things. One thing being my weight. I guess I'm safe to say this here, since I'm fairly sure not too many people read this. With the feeling of guilt comes the feeling of wanting to stop eating. Completely. There have been thoughts running through my mind like "Just starving myself would be easier than feeling this way." It's super duper hard dealing with this, when I know I need professional help. I feel like my impulsive binge eating has gotten a lot, a lot better recently. And I'm trying to be conscious about what I put into my body. I'm just afraid I'm too far gone.

Katherine and I had a conversation earlier about this sort of thing, I had mentioned just how difficult I find it to transform into being an active individual when I've been lazy and intimidated by exercise all of my life. I wish I had learned the values of a healthy lifestyle when I was younger. Don't get me wrong, I love my mother with all of my heart, and she's a fantastic person, but I've learned that I wish my childhood was different. My mom being a single mom and well, being Dee, was one of those parents who y'know, if she didn't feel like making dinner, it was brownies instead. And even just eating these vanilla wafers while I'm writing all of this makes me cringe and makes my stomach tie up in knots. Being so self aware can be a fantastic trait, but it can also be one that to me, at least, is intimidating. Being self aware isn't nearly as intimidating as going back to school is.

I was talking to my therapist about going back to school Wednesday, and this is a frequent conversation between Katherine and I as well. I'm super, super excited about the idea of going back to school, and being able to outshine those who I am jealous of in my age group who are also trying to be photographers. I know I'm very able, and have great potential, but settling my mind back on going to school (like everything else in the world) is terrifying. I know I need to take it one day at a time, and one step at a time... but I'm almost going so slow that I'm not doing anything in succeeding in going to school. And that's hindering me. The first step I want to take is actually going on a tour of the school. I wanted to go with Travis, but we never seem to find the time to sit down and pick out a date to go. I may wait until classes start, since I'd love to maybe take a peek at a class. Maybe I should just go on my own and fend for myself. That may be the only way to get the ball rolling. I feel also, like I should be batting at other things on my own. Weight loss included. I'm so thrown off by the idea of interdepence (which I have over the years learned a lot about) that I feel like I'm going backwards. I thought my first year of college I had defeated that phobia of asking for help, and doing things with others... but it seems like it's the only way I'm going to get anything done.

I'm so embarrassed by the situation that I am in, that I want to isolate myself and rid of everyone so I'm not embarrassing myself in front of them. That also seems to include Travis. I'm so embarrassed by my size and by the situations that I have encountered that I can't imagine why Travis wants to be with me. He tells me every day that he loves me, but as Apryl asked me the other day... Do I really love myself?

I hate this life. I really, really do. I'm miserable. And there's so much on my mind, and I feel like I don't have a way to vent. I'm over at my Mom's to use the internet, but I feel like I have to hide everything I'm doing from her. I'm afraid she'll want in on what I'm thinking, what I'm feeling. And there's always so much going on in my mind, I don't even know where to begin.

There's a lot on my mind tonight about what I want in the future. I was watching "How Do I Look?" on the Style channel, and it made me really think about how I feel. My mom and I had a talk earlier about my weight. Everything's been revolving around my weight... My mom and I talk about it, I'm embarrassed about it, none of my clothes fit, and I know what I need to do. But I'm just not sure how to do it. I know I need my hand held, and I need someone to push me. Sarah and I recently talked about running together... and I would love it. But I'm afraid. I'm so ashamed of what I've become, how big I've gotten, I literally just want to hide myself. Even though it's summer, I want to just cover up every inch of my skin. I know how to dress, and I know what fits me, and what works for me, but I don't want to own up to what's happened to me. How badly I've let myself go.

How badly I've let myself go....

How badly I've let myself go....

How badly...

I've let myself go.

I've let myself go and I'm scared. And I'm afraid all of this is going to impact my future. I'm afraid I'm never going to be successful. I've been evaluating what I want in life, and I'm afraid I'll never get there.

I want a beautiful home, it doesn't have to be huge, but it's got to have plenty of room for creativity. I want a driveway, about a mile long... I want a gorgeous comfortable bathroom, and a huge bedroom to share my space with my honey, with huge closets for my clothes, my shoes, and to store my mania. I want to be a photographer, and I want my own studio. I want to live comfortably, and never, ever have to worry. I want a movie room with plenty of room for food and friends, and I want my life to change. I don't want to be here any more... it's boring here. And hurtful. And I hate it.

Mania + Hesitation = Ashley

Mania and hesitation make up my life at this very moment. I've been talking with Trav about how terrifying the world is to me, but how badly I want to do a lot. I'm so intimidated by achieving my goals, because I'm afraid of failure. But I'm also intimidated by the simplest things in life. I'm afraid to lose weight, I'm afraid that I'll fail at losing weight, hell, I'm even afraid to just go to the library and get a new library card. I'm intimidated by new places, new people, new things... This is no way to conquer the world.

When it comes to talking about my weight, I avoid it at all costs. And I wish I could avoid it forever, but apparently that isn't going to help my situation. I've become frustrated and disgusted with myself because I've gained so much weight. So much so that I've donned the same pair of pants for like four or five days in a row because I know they fit me, and fitting into some of my clothes is just a struggle and an embarrassment. I've also for the summer given up on wearing shoes. Now, I know that in the summer, you're supposed to wear sandals and what have you, but I hate my feet (a lot less, now). But I've given up on wearing shoes mostly because it's ungodly uncomfortable to bend over and tie them. I know that sounds really pathetic, but my body has gotten so big that just doing everyday tasks is incredibly difficult. Now, I understand wholly the concept of exercise and healthy eating... but I'm having a hard time grasping it on my own. Finding an exercise that I enjoy doing is totally something I also struggle with. Upon not being able to give up my snacks. I've discovered what I love and what I hate in life, and food has become something I love AND hate. Some days, I love eating. Others, I hate food so much, and I wish I didn't have to eat to survive.

I also recently had decided that maybe I should go out and do Weight Watchers again. Back in the day, I lost about 20 lbs in a few months doing it, and I unfortunately gained all the weight back because I wasn't exercising. But I find it incredibly difficult to stick to a routine that requires me to pay attention to detail and to record things. I was recently asked to keep a food log and a mood diary, for my psychiatrist. That's since been put aside, because I frankly just hate doing it. After about two weeks, I just can't do it any more. It's obnoxious, and I hate it. That's why I'm 100% unsuccessful in counting calories, and tracking things. I just HATE it. So, I guess maybe it's not the best thing in the world for me to be doing, really. Maybe I just need to learn how to adjust my life... but that never lasts long either...

When I blog, I have to switch chairs.

Today started off well, and came screeching to a terrible halt in the end. I didn't do much today, but around 3 PM, I went to therapy. I explained (and by explained, I mean took up most of my session) to my therapist that (GOD DAMN THESE SIMPSONS!) I want to go back to school, and that Travis and I are doing well. :) All was well for a little while. Until Travis and I got into a fight, and I broke my phone, and told my mom not to worry about it.

My mom has been driving me up a wall lately. I love my mom to death, but some times, I wish she would just butt out of my business. I've never been comfortable talking to my mom about much of anything personal. I feel as though she doesn't understand me. That is the most pathetic thing I have ever heard in my entire life, and it makes me feel as though I'm a 13 year old who can't wear makeup. Right? Right. I hate it. My mom has never really grasped the concept of my mental issues which I've had stemming in my poor brain and overpowering my life since I was about 11. But to her, it's always been "well, maybe you just need a good cry and you'll get over it." Which I feel may have contributed to the fact that I have always been terrified to feel emotions. And I felt as though being emotional was a sign of weakness. I've learned recently, though, that I can overcome this whole situation. But, when my mom asked me today what was wrong, I did my best not to snap at her. This is something else I have been trying to plow over, keeping my anger under wraps. I feel as though it's gotten easier since I've been on Trileptal. I feel as though I'm becoming more and more stable, logical, and able to think. I feel level headed and just overall content. I've been having to tell others to calm themselves, when usually it's vice versa. Some times, I feel like the world is moving too fast, and at other times, too slow. I wish I had the sketch that my therapist uses to explain all of this to me.

But in feeling logical and level headed and stable, I also feel like I need to relearn my life. I need to retrain my brain to find things to do on my own, after it's been so used to being manic and doing EVERYTHING, and being depressed and not wanting to do anything but lay in bed. I feel "normal," and I'm okay with it. I just need to find things to occupy my mind with. When I'm not with friends, I feel like I need to be stimulating myself mentally. Which is why I'm all for going to school. I plan on looking into RIT, going on a tour, and thoroughly thinking about my major. I think I rushed all too much into college straight from high school with an attitude of knowing what I wanted (or thought what I wanted) to do. And it all blew up in my face. So I'm trying to take it all one step at a time...