I can't hear it over the fan. The rain that is.
I'm listening to Christina Perri's "Jar of Hearts," and reminiscing. though I've seemed to move on with Derek, it still doesn't stop the hurt.

"I learned to live half a life,
And now you want me one more time..."

I know we'll never be together again, and I'm okay with that.

"And who do you think you are?
Running around leaving scars..."

But it doesn't make the hurt any less. I never even hurt this bad when Travis and I split.... Don't get me wrong, Derek makes me incredibly happy... but you've become the lowest of the low... on my list, at least. I know it's best for us to not talk, to not be friends, but it again doesn't make the hurt any less.

Each and every day I dread what I've become. But what makes matters even worse is I don't know how to control it. I feel like I'm spiraling downward with my attitude, my weight, my eating... I've been binging horribly lately, and it's getting unhealthy. I don't know what else to do any more. I feel like I have no remorse when it comes to food. I've been stuffing myself uncontrollably, and it's becoming disgusting, degrading, embarrassing and incredibly hard to deal with.

I keep thinking about how much better off I was while I was in college. Yeah, I was still heavy, but I was a hell of a lot smaller than I am now. I was a little bit more active, I had more people to occupy my time with, and I had a hell of a lot more to do. Now, I have nothing. Nothing but a plethora of emotions I don't know how to deal with. No car, no group of friends, nothing but rain... It makes for a near impossible improvement.

What's upset me most lately is the fact that those I felt as though were my good friends, I feel like they're no longer there for me or to help support me. Lauren and I got into a fight, Liz won't answer my texts... and I feel lost. It was rejuvenating to see Carolyn again the other night. To know that she still cares. I just feel like I've lost a lot of what I used to have. I feel out of control and like there's nothing that can be done about it.

I missed therapy this week, and I realized just how important it is for me to go to therapy. Even if nothing's going on. Talk therapy has helped me with a lot, it helps me rationalize what's going on around me in life.

But now it's time for the next step, and I don't quite yet know what it is

I regret us ever being together.
I truly think I do.











Baby, I might lose my mind
Maybe I might lose my head
One thing I gotta do
Is torch those sheets and pillows too
Baby, I'm burning out bed

Say your love is strong and true
Let her know all she meant to you
Show her she's that special one
Who shines in your eyes like the rising sun
Give love less room to grow
Treat her tender and you will know
The secret to the treasures of heaven
In the heart of a woman
♥