Sunday, July 24, 2011
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
So, I muffed up my FAFSA a little bit, made a tiny little mistake. And it's kinda got me overwhelmed. I'm afraid I made more mistakes, because I feel as though I rushed through it, and I'm all in an anxiety uproar. I think it's that emotional mind/irrational mind talking (as I spill broth all over myself...way to go). What's even more upsetting is I had to cancel my therapy appointment yesterday due to having to go to the Doctor's. Which makes me wonder if Ana has anything available for this coming few days. Let me call and find out. Hm... after the hiccups go away....
There, call made. I'm not even so sure what my point in blogging was. The anxiety has lifted. I guess I'm okay now. :)
There, call made. I'm not even so sure what my point in blogging was. The anxiety has lifted. I guess I'm okay now. :)
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Boy, you can stick around!
I woke up early this morning again next to Derek. It makes me happy. I was up around 6:30, or at least that's when the first alarm went off. I've got a bad habit of pressing the snooze button a few times, but it didn't matter this morning. I didn't have to get up and shower, I didn't have to rush to have breakfast and get out the door. I was able to snuggle in bed with Derek even though he didn't sleep last night. It was nice. We got up, got our shit together and everything seemed okay. Until we got on the topic of my future.
Derek tried to tell me this morning that I'm not going to be rich, I'm not going to make lots of money, and he's going to take care of me. Frankly, the thought is nice, but I'm tired of everyone bringing me down. This isn't the first time it's happened recently. The other day, Daniel and I were talking about me going back to school and what my future holds, and he blatantly told me he doesn't think I'm going to own my own studio and be successful. For one, what a crock. For two, how fucking low do you have to be to tell someone that? And Derek made a similar comment this morning... As stated previously, he told me that I wasn't going to make a lot of money, and I wasn't going to be able to support myself and live comfortably. For one, what a crock again. And for two, so much for my boyfriend believing in me. It's incredibly hurtful. I'm tired of having all of these people tearing my dreams apart. And because of that, I won't let it happen.
It's really sad when the only person who ever tells you he believes in you is your ex boyfriend. Travis is truly the only one who has ever told me he believed in me and still does. And this encompasses the whole feeling I have:
Travis showed me that song so, so long ago when we first got together. And it means the world to me, because he believes in me. And according to Rocky, "nothing is real if you don't believe in who you are." Some times, I don't know who I am, but I know my dreams are real. And I'm going to be successful some day, and I think that day starts today. It's hard grasping the concept of taking life one day at a time, and it's something my old therapist Malinda and I talked about a lot. Just letting things go and living day by day. And I'm learning more and more to do that now. I'm proud of myself.
Derek tried to tell me this morning that I'm not going to be rich, I'm not going to make lots of money, and he's going to take care of me. Frankly, the thought is nice, but I'm tired of everyone bringing me down. This isn't the first time it's happened recently. The other day, Daniel and I were talking about me going back to school and what my future holds, and he blatantly told me he doesn't think I'm going to own my own studio and be successful. For one, what a crock. For two, how fucking low do you have to be to tell someone that? And Derek made a similar comment this morning... As stated previously, he told me that I wasn't going to make a lot of money, and I wasn't going to be able to support myself and live comfortably. For one, what a crock again. And for two, so much for my boyfriend believing in me. It's incredibly hurtful. I'm tired of having all of these people tearing my dreams apart. And because of that, I won't let it happen.
It's really sad when the only person who ever tells you he believes in you is your ex boyfriend. Travis is truly the only one who has ever told me he believed in me and still does. And this encompasses the whole feeling I have:
Travis showed me that song so, so long ago when we first got together. And it means the world to me, because he believes in me. And according to Rocky, "nothing is real if you don't believe in who you are." Some times, I don't know who I am, but I know my dreams are real. And I'm going to be successful some day, and I think that day starts today. It's hard grasping the concept of taking life one day at a time, and it's something my old therapist Malinda and I talked about a lot. Just letting things go and living day by day. And I'm learning more and more to do that now. I'm proud of myself.
Monday, June 20, 2011
travel the universe.
I have so much on my mind I feel like it's kinda spinning out of control. I haven't felt this way in a while, but it's getting fairly frustrating. A lot of it has to do with mine and Derek's 'relationship.' Now, I put that in quotes because I still don't know where we stand, I'm assuming we're together, because I think we are, but a part of me doesn't want to be. I'm still influenced on that decision by school and the like, and it's confusing. That's most of what's weighing on my mind.
On top of that there's my weight, it's been floating around my mind lately. I actually the other day chose my meal plan, and I went with the All Debit meal plan, mostly because you have the option to buy more 'grocery' like foods, and since I normally eat 3 meals per day, it makes it a little more convenient to have a bigger plan. And a bigger plan to me means more salads :P
I just wish my eating habits at home were a little bit better. With the way food has been, it's rough. I've been trying to eat as much as possible of things like the watermelon or the cantaloupe we've been getting. But it all only lasts so long. But it's progress, since we haven't had ANY food in the house recently. I was particularly stoked the other day when I was able to go out and get groceries after working for April's parents. It felt good to work again, I did miss it, I particularly miss having structure in my life. But what I'm TOTALLY stoked about is as of next weekend, Roseland Water Park is going to be my LIFE. Which means I'll be out of the house more, and doing more, and sitting in the sun having fun, and and and yeah. I'm so, so excited. I'll also be eating less. That's a big plus. Sigh.
I gotta do somethin'.
On top of that there's my weight, it's been floating around my mind lately. I actually the other day chose my meal plan, and I went with the All Debit meal plan, mostly because you have the option to buy more 'grocery' like foods, and since I normally eat 3 meals per day, it makes it a little more convenient to have a bigger plan. And a bigger plan to me means more salads :P
I just wish my eating habits at home were a little bit better. With the way food has been, it's rough. I've been trying to eat as much as possible of things like the watermelon or the cantaloupe we've been getting. But it all only lasts so long. But it's progress, since we haven't had ANY food in the house recently. I was particularly stoked the other day when I was able to go out and get groceries after working for April's parents. It felt good to work again, I did miss it, I particularly miss having structure in my life. But what I'm TOTALLY stoked about is as of next weekend, Roseland Water Park is going to be my LIFE. Which means I'll be out of the house more, and doing more, and sitting in the sun having fun, and and and yeah. I'm so, so excited. I'll also be eating less. That's a big plus. Sigh.
I gotta do somethin'.
Friday, June 17, 2011
WHY IS IT EVERY TIME I CLOSE MY EYES, YOU'RE THERE? WHY IS IT EVERY TIME I CLOSE MY EYES, YOU'RE THERE? WHY IS IT EVERY TIME I CLOSE MY EYES, YOU'RE THERE? WHY IS IT EVERY TIME I CLOSE MY EYES, YOU'RE THERE? WHY IS IT EVERY TIME I CLOSE MY EYES, YOU'RE THERE? WHY IS IT EVERY TIME I CLOSE MY EYES, YOU'RE THERE? WHY IS IT EVERY TIME I CLOSE MY EYES, YOU'RE THERE? WHY IS IT EVERY TIME I CLOSE MY EYES, YOU'RE THERE? WHY IS IT EVERY TIME I CLOSE MY EYES, YOU'RE THERE? WHY IS IT EVERY TIME I CLOSE MY EYES, YOU'RE THERE? WHY IS IT EVERY TIME I CLOSE MY EYES, YOU'RE THERE? WHY IS IT EVERY TIME I CLOSE MY EYES, YOU'RE THERE? WHY IS IT EVERY TIME I CLOSE MY EYES, YOU'RE THERE? WHY IS IT EVERY TIME I CLOSE MY EYES, YOU'RE THERE? WHY IS IT EVERY TIME I CLOSE MY EYES, YOU'RE THERE? WHY IS IT EVERY TIME I CLOSE MY EYES, YOU'RE THERE? WHY IS IT EVERY TIME I CLOSE MY EYES, YOU'RE THERE?
Thursday, June 16, 2011
Monday, June 13, 2011
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
It's been a while.
But my paranoia kicked in this morning.
Not to mention, I wanna spend every waking moment with you.
:)
I woke up this morning about an hour earlier than I was supposed to with that fear that I couldn't find my cell phone, I wouldn't hear my alarm, and that I'd be late to getting Lauren and to therapy. So, I woke up, spent a teeny little bit of time with Mark, and now I'm bloggin' away.
What's funny is Derek is still asleep, but I very, very badly want to wake him up. It's early mornings that make me feel alive, and I want to experience that with him. I know we didn't go to bed too early last night, and I could probably use some coffee, but I totally want to snuggle.
But my paranoia kicked in this morning.
Not to mention, I wanna spend every waking moment with you.
:)
I woke up this morning about an hour earlier than I was supposed to with that fear that I couldn't find my cell phone, I wouldn't hear my alarm, and that I'd be late to getting Lauren and to therapy. So, I woke up, spent a teeny little bit of time with Mark, and now I'm bloggin' away.
What's funny is Derek is still asleep, but I very, very badly want to wake him up. It's early mornings that make me feel alive, and I want to experience that with him. I know we didn't go to bed too early last night, and I could probably use some coffee, but I totally want to snuggle.
Sunday, May 15, 2011
I can't hear it over the fan. The rain that is.
I'm listening to Christina Perri's "Jar of Hearts," and reminiscing. though I've seemed to move on with Derek, it still doesn't stop the hurt.
"I learned to live half a life,
And now you want me one more time..."
I know we'll never be together again, and I'm okay with that.
"And who do you think you are?
Running around leaving scars..."
But it doesn't make the hurt any less. I never even hurt this bad when Travis and I split.... Don't get me wrong, Derek makes me incredibly happy... but you've become the lowest of the low... on my list, at least. I know it's best for us to not talk, to not be friends, but it again doesn't make the hurt any less.
I'm listening to Christina Perri's "Jar of Hearts," and reminiscing. though I've seemed to move on with Derek, it still doesn't stop the hurt.
"I learned to live half a life,
And now you want me one more time..."
I know we'll never be together again, and I'm okay with that.
"And who do you think you are?
Running around leaving scars..."
But it doesn't make the hurt any less. I never even hurt this bad when Travis and I split.... Don't get me wrong, Derek makes me incredibly happy... but you've become the lowest of the low... on my list, at least. I know it's best for us to not talk, to not be friends, but it again doesn't make the hurt any less.
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Each and every day I dread what I've become. But what makes matters even worse is I don't know how to control it. I feel like I'm spiraling downward with my attitude, my weight, my eating... I've been binging horribly lately, and it's getting unhealthy. I don't know what else to do any more. I feel like I have no remorse when it comes to food. I've been stuffing myself uncontrollably, and it's becoming disgusting, degrading, embarrassing and incredibly hard to deal with.
I keep thinking about how much better off I was while I was in college. Yeah, I was still heavy, but I was a hell of a lot smaller than I am now. I was a little bit more active, I had more people to occupy my time with, and I had a hell of a lot more to do. Now, I have nothing. Nothing but a plethora of emotions I don't know how to deal with. No car, no group of friends, nothing but rain... It makes for a near impossible improvement.
What's upset me most lately is the fact that those I felt as though were my good friends, I feel like they're no longer there for me or to help support me. Lauren and I got into a fight, Liz won't answer my texts... and I feel lost. It was rejuvenating to see Carolyn again the other night. To know that she still cares. I just feel like I've lost a lot of what I used to have. I feel out of control and like there's nothing that can be done about it.
I missed therapy this week, and I realized just how important it is for me to go to therapy. Even if nothing's going on. Talk therapy has helped me with a lot, it helps me rationalize what's going on around me in life.
But now it's time for the next step, and I don't quite yet know what it is
I keep thinking about how much better off I was while I was in college. Yeah, I was still heavy, but I was a hell of a lot smaller than I am now. I was a little bit more active, I had more people to occupy my time with, and I had a hell of a lot more to do. Now, I have nothing. Nothing but a plethora of emotions I don't know how to deal with. No car, no group of friends, nothing but rain... It makes for a near impossible improvement.
What's upset me most lately is the fact that those I felt as though were my good friends, I feel like they're no longer there for me or to help support me. Lauren and I got into a fight, Liz won't answer my texts... and I feel lost. It was rejuvenating to see Carolyn again the other night. To know that she still cares. I just feel like I've lost a lot of what I used to have. I feel out of control and like there's nothing that can be done about it.
I missed therapy this week, and I realized just how important it is for me to go to therapy. Even if nothing's going on. Talk therapy has helped me with a lot, it helps me rationalize what's going on around me in life.
But now it's time for the next step, and I don't quite yet know what it is
Thursday, May 5, 2011
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
I ask you if it's storming where you are, just to make conversation.
It's storming here, in the heartland. If you get what I mean.
I can never stop griping about what happened to us, because it hurts.
I talk about it all the time, mostly here. But it's common.
It's common, and it hurts.
I still can't believe how much it hurts some times. And it all doesn't make sense. I've never fallen for anyone as hard as I fell for you. And to have that ripped out from under me after all of those promises you made. It's hard to cope with. Especially on nights like this, where I want you. I want nothing more than to love you....
It's storming here, in the heartland. If you get what I mean.
I can never stop griping about what happened to us, because it hurts.
I talk about it all the time, mostly here. But it's common.
It's common, and it hurts.
I still can't believe how much it hurts some times. And it all doesn't make sense. I've never fallen for anyone as hard as I fell for you. And to have that ripped out from under me after all of those promises you made. It's hard to cope with. Especially on nights like this, where I want you. I want nothing more than to love you....
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Monday, April 18, 2011
Saturday, April 16, 2011
So this is what it's like to feel good again. :)
I woke up with a smile on my face, a totally windy and rainy day, and I'm beyond content. And it's showing like some sort of manic phase. I'm talking to my friend Will about all of this, and I'm reflecting upon what mania used to be like for me.. how impulsive I was, how I was constantly spending money, and how I went on my little trip to NJ, and fucked myself over. Oh man, the past year has been incredibly insane.
But I feel okay today, and I almost have forgotten what it's like to just be content. I'm not worried or bothered by thoughts of Eric, or thoughts of Travis, or negative impacts of what happened between Jeremy and I yesterday. :) It all just seems okay and low-key. Which is what I keep talking about during therapy, how things seem to have gotten better and how I feel a little bit more stable.
I also suck at this whole blogging thing. I lose my concentration and I give up. lol
I woke up with a smile on my face, a totally windy and rainy day, and I'm beyond content. And it's showing like some sort of manic phase. I'm talking to my friend Will about all of this, and I'm reflecting upon what mania used to be like for me.. how impulsive I was, how I was constantly spending money, and how I went on my little trip to NJ, and fucked myself over. Oh man, the past year has been incredibly insane.
But I feel okay today, and I almost have forgotten what it's like to just be content. I'm not worried or bothered by thoughts of Eric, or thoughts of Travis, or negative impacts of what happened between Jeremy and I yesterday. :) It all just seems okay and low-key. Which is what I keep talking about during therapy, how things seem to have gotten better and how I feel a little bit more stable.
I also suck at this whole blogging thing. I lose my concentration and I give up. lol
Thursday, April 14, 2011
The first night we were together you told me you loved me.
And I felt it then. I had fallen head over heels in love with you.
The second I saw you.
And now, all you have for me is to tell me that I need to get over it.
That you're with someone else, and going to have children.
What in the world was wrong with you while you were with me?
What in the fuck is wrong with you now?
And I felt it then. I had fallen head over heels in love with you.
The second I saw you.
And now, all you have for me is to tell me that I need to get over it.
That you're with someone else, and going to have children.
What in the world was wrong with you while you were with me?
What in the fuck is wrong with you now?
Monday, April 11, 2011
Sunday, April 10, 2011
I wake up in the basement I'm so hungry I'm dry
I must be here sleepwalking mustn't I
Getting up from my easy chair looking for my wife
Following a trial of crimson spots that lead into the night
Suddenly I realize I see it all through real eyes
These crimson spots are dripping from my hand
And oh it makes me feel like a man.
I must be here sleepwalking mustn't I
Getting up from my easy chair looking for my wife
Following a trial of crimson spots that lead into the night
Suddenly I realize I see it all through real eyes
These crimson spots are dripping from my hand
And oh it makes me feel like a man.
Friday, April 8, 2011
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Sunday, April 3, 2011
I feel like I could lay down right now, shut my eyes and just drift off to sleep again...
I've been sleeping an awful lot lately, and I'm really not sure why. I think it's because frankly, I'm bored. I'm bored with life. I'm bored with what's going on at home, I hate it. I work rarely (which, I'm okay with right now), I don't have my car, and when I' m not with Lauren, I don't do much of anything. I'm just tired all the time, and bored, and trying to be inspired...
And I don't even have the attention span to keep writing. This fuckin' sucks.
I've been sleeping an awful lot lately, and I'm really not sure why. I think it's because frankly, I'm bored. I'm bored with life. I'm bored with what's going on at home, I hate it. I work rarely (which, I'm okay with right now), I don't have my car, and when I' m not with Lauren, I don't do much of anything. I'm just tired all the time, and bored, and trying to be inspired...
And I don't even have the attention span to keep writing. This fuckin' sucks.
Saturday, April 2, 2011
Monday, March 28, 2011
Been here before, couldn't say I liked it.
Tonight on the way home, as I was turning down Footer Rd. I had a thought.
I wanted to roll to the top of the hill up in Honeoye, and I could see this clearly. I wanted to look up at the stars, see the sky clearly like I never have before. I could see this, sitting in the red subaru. I could see it. Looking out at the stars, and the next thing I know, I'd shoot myself in the head. Only leaving blood and brain matter for the next person to find.
I wanted to roll to the top of the hill up in Honeoye, and I could see this clearly. I wanted to look up at the stars, see the sky clearly like I never have before. I could see this, sitting in the red subaru. I could see it. Looking out at the stars, and the next thing I know, I'd shoot myself in the head. Only leaving blood and brain matter for the next person to find.
Sunday, March 27, 2011
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
can't sleep.
Saturday, March 26, 2011
It's been another long, lonely night.
I swear I'm not half as depressed as I sound, but it's still lingering there for some reason. It's like I feel the edge of it since I wanted to cut the other day. I'm still unsure what possessed that, but I feel like it's been difficult coping with a few things lately. For some reason, I had this urge to cut the other day at work. The box cutter was just sitting there... and I wanted to feel it again. I'm also tired of coming home to this house. I feel as though there's just such negative energy here that coming home from work even is exhausting. And I'm tired of not having someone to come home to. Don't get me wrong, I'm in no position to be in a relationship, but son of a bitch all I want lately is to cuddle. All of my friends seem to be set, and don't get me wrong, yes, I'm quite jealous of Travis and Samantha. Not because it's Travis, but because everyone seems so happy, and I'm the odd one out... again. Spring brings upon new beginnings, and I'm ready for them. But I just feel worn out and overwhelmed. I'm up later at night, thinking about things like how much I miss Eric... and it all sucks. I obviously don't enjoy it, but what can you do?
I swear I'm not half as depressed as I sound, but it's still lingering there for some reason. It's like I feel the edge of it since I wanted to cut the other day. I'm still unsure what possessed that, but I feel like it's been difficult coping with a few things lately. For some reason, I had this urge to cut the other day at work. The box cutter was just sitting there... and I wanted to feel it again. I'm also tired of coming home to this house. I feel as though there's just such negative energy here that coming home from work even is exhausting. And I'm tired of not having someone to come home to. Don't get me wrong, I'm in no position to be in a relationship, but son of a bitch all I want lately is to cuddle. All of my friends seem to be set, and don't get me wrong, yes, I'm quite jealous of Travis and Samantha. Not because it's Travis, but because everyone seems so happy, and I'm the odd one out... again. Spring brings upon new beginnings, and I'm ready for them. But I just feel worn out and overwhelmed. I'm up later at night, thinking about things like how much I miss Eric... and it all sucks. I obviously don't enjoy it, but what can you do?
Monday, March 21, 2011
Thursday, March 17, 2011
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Don't know why I'm down here/Must be somethin' I said.
I was wandering around Stumbleupon.com, and I saw an ad for Blogspot, so I figured I'd take some time to do some actual thinking and reflecting here. Things have been really busy lately. This week at least! Sunday I went and saw Tom. Monday I worked. Tuesday I had therapy, came home and overhauled my whole room, went and took pics of Lauren, and spent the night with her and Ian at her client's house. We were up until 2 AM giggling like crazyyy, and finally today I'm hangin' out for a little while and going back with Lauren to go on some of her dog walks, do some more photographing, and back to the client's house. And then tomorrow Lauren, Ian and I are going to go out and do more photo shoots, and Friday I work and I get to see Liz, and finally on Saturday is Mandy and Zach's wedding. AHH!
Busy, busy, busy! Which in the long run is super beneficial to me, though I'm sleep deprived. My therapist and I were talking about a plethora of things yesterday, and one of them she brought up (not to be a downer) but she asked about me cutting, and if I was having thoughts of it. And come to think of it, I've been way too busy to even have my mind process those thoughts. It's like I forget about it when there's nothing bad going on. Which, in theory is good, and does make total sense because it IS a coping mechanism. So staying busy has it's upsides. However, I've had plenty of time to do some thinking.
Yesterday I made this picture:
I took the picture with me with my fishnets on and I thought it looked oddly familiar. Fortunately enough, my 300+ pictures on my PhotoBooth didn't fail me, and I found the one from 2008. I can't believe how much I've changed. Or for that matter, how much weight I've gained which has lead me to do a ton of thinking. I mentioned to my therapist yesterday how out of control my binge eating has gotten. It hasn't been incredibly horrible, but I've been trying to sort out my feelings about eating. I've been binging a lot more because I've been working, and I have this nasty habit of not eating for 5+ hours, and coming home and pigging out. And today I realized I was just binge eating because I didn't eat much of anything around Lauren and Ian. (Haha, I almost wrote Ean.) I don't eat around people because I'm embarrassed, so my body decides that when I'm alone, it's time to eat because it's hungry and I eat everything in sight. And the whole thought is embarrassing. Everyone around me seems to be losing weight, and I've gained so much to the point I've learned to hate my body again. Even just looking at the picture I'm disgusted, because you can even see the difference in my hands. It's just gross. Don't get me wrong, I've never been a healthy person, like in that picture, I was probably around 260ish pounds? It shows how much of a difference 50+ lbs can make. And it's an upsetting one.
It's bad enough I struggle day in and day out with finding out who I am, what I'm doing with my life, etc. But to have to hate myself all at the same time? It's upsetting and rather hard to deal with. Everyone who I've shown that picture to tells me I look better now, but I disagree. I know this isn't the Ashley I want to be.
Busy, busy, busy! Which in the long run is super beneficial to me, though I'm sleep deprived. My therapist and I were talking about a plethora of things yesterday, and one of them she brought up (not to be a downer) but she asked about me cutting, and if I was having thoughts of it. And come to think of it, I've been way too busy to even have my mind process those thoughts. It's like I forget about it when there's nothing bad going on. Which, in theory is good, and does make total sense because it IS a coping mechanism. So staying busy has it's upsides. However, I've had plenty of time to do some thinking.
Yesterday I made this picture:
I took the picture with me with my fishnets on and I thought it looked oddly familiar. Fortunately enough, my 300+ pictures on my PhotoBooth didn't fail me, and I found the one from 2008. I can't believe how much I've changed. Or for that matter, how much weight I've gained which has lead me to do a ton of thinking. I mentioned to my therapist yesterday how out of control my binge eating has gotten. It hasn't been incredibly horrible, but I've been trying to sort out my feelings about eating. I've been binging a lot more because I've been working, and I have this nasty habit of not eating for 5+ hours, and coming home and pigging out. And today I realized I was just binge eating because I didn't eat much of anything around Lauren and Ian. (Haha, I almost wrote Ean.) I don't eat around people because I'm embarrassed, so my body decides that when I'm alone, it's time to eat because it's hungry and I eat everything in sight. And the whole thought is embarrassing. Everyone around me seems to be losing weight, and I've gained so much to the point I've learned to hate my body again. Even just looking at the picture I'm disgusted, because you can even see the difference in my hands. It's just gross. Don't get me wrong, I've never been a healthy person, like in that picture, I was probably around 260ish pounds? It shows how much of a difference 50+ lbs can make. And it's an upsetting one.
It's bad enough I struggle day in and day out with finding out who I am, what I'm doing with my life, etc. But to have to hate myself all at the same time? It's upsetting and rather hard to deal with. Everyone who I've shown that picture to tells me I look better now, but I disagree. I know this isn't the Ashley I want to be.
Friday, March 11, 2011
I just did some self reflection sitting here in Mrs. Berger's room, and I'm like ready to cry. It's not about how horrible I feel about myself for once. It's all about college. Again. Any time I end up here at HCS, I end up reflecting about college. It's bad enough I get it shoved in my face at home.
"We wanna see you go back to school."
"You need to go back to school."
"When are you going back to school?"
"Have you thought about going back to school?"
BE PATIENT WITH ME. That's all I want to do is scream that at them. No one is ever patient with me. Travis, Eric, my parents. Hell, myself. I'm not patient with anything. And I proved that to myself with Chazz. I found something that could have been beneficial, and totally amazing... and I think I threw it away. Lauren says chalk it up to the fact that he's something I probably shouldn't say while I'm here at school.... but, maybe it was me. I think it is me. And that's fine, I have a lot of learning to do. A LOT. And Travis is right. I need to take a break from a lot of things. Dating especially. It was a bit of a mistake to go see Chazz. I got excited, because he was amazing and gorgeous. Too good to be true? I think so.
However, I'm trying to convince myself that it wasn't a waste of time. Truthfully, I don't think it was a waste of time. It was an adventure, and I had fun while I was at it. I just... push too hard. And I pushed him away. That sucks. Oh well, the kisses were amazing ;)
But it is time to take a break. And focus on Ashley. Something else I've been struggling with, is focusing on myself. I feel as though I've become a monster. And the reason why I say that is because I'm out of control. I've gained weight, I've lost patience, and I've lost track and faith in myself. I'm not in school, I'm not exercising, I'm not eating right, I'm not... doing anything at all. I am, however, working. That's a step up. I'm nervous about losing my job, though. I was sick for two days last week, and I went home early. :( I felt like I was going to pass out. But I'm afraid that puts me in jeopardy. If it does, it does. I'll find another job. I will say it's difficult, though. My job isn't mentally stimulating and becomes difficult, monotonous and ridiculous. I say ridiculous because I do nothing but fold clothes for 4 hours. Which is why I'm glad I'm only part time and don't really work too much. But I'm thankful that I have these 4 days off. It's going to help me relax a little and feel better.
However, being here has made me kinda feel dumb. haha. Mrs. Berger's class is reviewing possessives and plural possessives. And it's been challenging for me to wrap my head around. lol I keep swearing it's my medication. I feel like I've lost all knowledge, all creativity. I talked with my therapist about that the other day, though. She says a lot of people experience that. I also feel like I've lost my will to get up and do things. And that's really sad. :( Like today, I wanted to go out and take pictures, but I feel so... uninspired. And on top of that, I want a salad. One of the students just mentioned caesar salad. It sounds delicious. But any way, I'm rambling at this point... but it's pretty sweet that this is the longest blog entry I've done thus far. I was going to bring my journal with me today, but that didn't work. I just wanted out of the house. It's a good place to be, here at HCS, even though it makes me reflect upon myself.
"We wanna see you go back to school."
"You need to go back to school."
"When are you going back to school?"
"Have you thought about going back to school?"
BE PATIENT WITH ME. That's all I want to do is scream that at them. No one is ever patient with me. Travis, Eric, my parents. Hell, myself. I'm not patient with anything. And I proved that to myself with Chazz. I found something that could have been beneficial, and totally amazing... and I think I threw it away. Lauren says chalk it up to the fact that he's something I probably shouldn't say while I'm here at school.... but, maybe it was me. I think it is me. And that's fine, I have a lot of learning to do. A LOT. And Travis is right. I need to take a break from a lot of things. Dating especially. It was a bit of a mistake to go see Chazz. I got excited, because he was amazing and gorgeous. Too good to be true? I think so.
However, I'm trying to convince myself that it wasn't a waste of time. Truthfully, I don't think it was a waste of time. It was an adventure, and I had fun while I was at it. I just... push too hard. And I pushed him away. That sucks. Oh well, the kisses were amazing ;)
But it is time to take a break. And focus on Ashley. Something else I've been struggling with, is focusing on myself. I feel as though I've become a monster. And the reason why I say that is because I'm out of control. I've gained weight, I've lost patience, and I've lost track and faith in myself. I'm not in school, I'm not exercising, I'm not eating right, I'm not... doing anything at all. I am, however, working. That's a step up. I'm nervous about losing my job, though. I was sick for two days last week, and I went home early. :( I felt like I was going to pass out. But I'm afraid that puts me in jeopardy. If it does, it does. I'll find another job. I will say it's difficult, though. My job isn't mentally stimulating and becomes difficult, monotonous and ridiculous. I say ridiculous because I do nothing but fold clothes for 4 hours. Which is why I'm glad I'm only part time and don't really work too much. But I'm thankful that I have these 4 days off. It's going to help me relax a little and feel better.
However, being here has made me kinda feel dumb. haha. Mrs. Berger's class is reviewing possessives and plural possessives. And it's been challenging for me to wrap my head around. lol I keep swearing it's my medication. I feel like I've lost all knowledge, all creativity. I talked with my therapist about that the other day, though. She says a lot of people experience that. I also feel like I've lost my will to get up and do things. And that's really sad. :( Like today, I wanted to go out and take pictures, but I feel so... uninspired. And on top of that, I want a salad. One of the students just mentioned caesar salad. It sounds delicious. But any way, I'm rambling at this point... but it's pretty sweet that this is the longest blog entry I've done thus far. I was going to bring my journal with me today, but that didn't work. I just wanted out of the house. It's a good place to be, here at HCS, even though it makes me reflect upon myself.
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
"Don't braid my hair."
"I wasn't going to...but okay..."
Chazz has me totally smitten. I came home happy as hell the other night, and it's continued onto today... until I came home because I felt like I was going to pass out. And right now, I'm actually at a loss for words, really. I was going to post about how good of a time we had the other night, and I'm totally distracted by his YouTube channel, which he showed me while we were in the hotel room. My biggest thing that I can't get over is how... huggable he is. I'm really attracted to his body. He's smaller than me, and smaller than Travis, and he's just so huggable. And he smells good. lol And here I go listening to his music again. We giggled over how "emo" some of his lyrics are. Awh, it's just cute.
He's very talented, and very well rounded. Especially when it comes to music. He impresses me with the work that he does like with the musicals and stuff, especially for being 25. He does a lot and he's super busy, but I hope to see him again. Especially since we did what we did. Granted, we didn't go all the way, but I had a great time ;) He's just super sweet, and I think I've said that like six times. ah, man. I'm rambling again.
"I wasn't going to...but okay..."
Chazz has me totally smitten. I came home happy as hell the other night, and it's continued onto today... until I came home because I felt like I was going to pass out. And right now, I'm actually at a loss for words, really. I was going to post about how good of a time we had the other night, and I'm totally distracted by his YouTube channel, which he showed me while we were in the hotel room. My biggest thing that I can't get over is how... huggable he is. I'm really attracted to his body. He's smaller than me, and smaller than Travis, and he's just so huggable. And he smells good. lol And here I go listening to his music again. We giggled over how "emo" some of his lyrics are. Awh, it's just cute.
He's very talented, and very well rounded. Especially when it comes to music. He impresses me with the work that he does like with the musicals and stuff, especially for being 25. He does a lot and he's super busy, but I hope to see him again. Especially since we did what we did. Granted, we didn't go all the way, but I had a great time ;) He's just super sweet, and I think I've said that like six times. ah, man. I'm rambling again.
Sunday, March 6, 2011
<3
so, there's been a lot on my mind lately. Something's been on my mind that I just don't know how to deal with... money. My mom and I were just talking about the idea that some how her family has the money to travel all the time to come back 'home' and such. I understand some of my family members may make good money, but it makes me upset that I worry about money so often. I'm not even 21, nor am I out on my own, but it makes a big impact on my life. I'm worried about moving out, I need money for that, I'm worried about going back to college, I need money for that. And on top of that, I've been told that there may be a chance that I can't afford to go to RIT.
Currently, all of this shouldn't be the biggest thing on my mind. I should be focusing on getting better so I can GO to my job. I got shit this morning for calling in, but god I feel awful. I'm truly liking working at Naartjie Kids, and it makes for a great transitional job - when I'm up to par. When I feel like death, it's dreadful because it's rather slow. I wish I could go back to just being a cashier. But, it all seems okay. I'm thankful for my job because I want to start saving money because Sarah and I have been considering moving in together. :) It excites me because we want to move to the city to be closer to where we normally spend a lot of time any way. I think it'd be cool to get out of this place and go somewhere bigger and better. It seems inspiring, like I would learn a little more, especially about myself. I'm just nervous about talking to my mom about it. I don't want her to over react, especially because I know I'll need her support.
But, for now I'm trying not to think about much of anything. I feel HORRENDOUS and just want to sleep. lol
so, there's been a lot on my mind lately. Something's been on my mind that I just don't know how to deal with... money. My mom and I were just talking about the idea that some how her family has the money to travel all the time to come back 'home' and such. I understand some of my family members may make good money, but it makes me upset that I worry about money so often. I'm not even 21, nor am I out on my own, but it makes a big impact on my life. I'm worried about moving out, I need money for that, I'm worried about going back to college, I need money for that. And on top of that, I've been told that there may be a chance that I can't afford to go to RIT.
Currently, all of this shouldn't be the biggest thing on my mind. I should be focusing on getting better so I can GO to my job. I got shit this morning for calling in, but god I feel awful. I'm truly liking working at Naartjie Kids, and it makes for a great transitional job - when I'm up to par. When I feel like death, it's dreadful because it's rather slow. I wish I could go back to just being a cashier. But, it all seems okay. I'm thankful for my job because I want to start saving money because Sarah and I have been considering moving in together. :) It excites me because we want to move to the city to be closer to where we normally spend a lot of time any way. I think it'd be cool to get out of this place and go somewhere bigger and better. It seems inspiring, like I would learn a little more, especially about myself. I'm just nervous about talking to my mom about it. I don't want her to over react, especially because I know I'll need her support.
But, for now I'm trying not to think about much of anything. I feel HORRENDOUS and just want to sleep. lol
Thursday, March 3, 2011
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
You can be my slave and I'll be a stranger
we could be in passion we could be in danger
Take you off the street put you under my wings
yeah you could pull my leg or anything
Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah
yeah yeah yeah oh yeah
You could be the devil you could be the saviour
well I really can't tell by the way of your behavior
I'll take you off the boat put you under my wings yeah
you could pull my leg or anything
Yeah yeah yeah yeah
yeah yeah yeah yeah oh yeah
I don't know what you're playin' don't even know what you're sayin'
You gotta leave me alone I'm gonna go on home
Ah the things are gettin' tougher
yeah the things are gettin' rougher
This is Alice speakin'
suffer
yeah yeah yeah yeah
You could be the devil you could be the saviour
well I really can't tell by the way of your behavior
Take you off the street put you under my wings yeah
You could pull my leg or anything yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah
we could be in passion we could be in danger
Take you off the street put you under my wings
yeah you could pull my leg or anything
Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah
yeah yeah yeah oh yeah
You could be the devil you could be the saviour
well I really can't tell by the way of your behavior
I'll take you off the boat put you under my wings yeah
you could pull my leg or anything
Yeah yeah yeah yeah
yeah yeah yeah yeah oh yeah
I don't know what you're playin' don't even know what you're sayin'
You gotta leave me alone I'm gonna go on home
Ah the things are gettin' tougher
yeah the things are gettin' rougher
This is Alice speakin'
suffer
yeah yeah yeah yeah
You could be the devil you could be the saviour
well I really can't tell by the way of your behavior
Take you off the street put you under my wings yeah
You could pull my leg or anything yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah
Saturday, February 19, 2011
My super hero lies in the heart of this man. He's got my heart, even though we aren't together. Frankly, I love Eric. I just don't know where we go from here....
He's got me so confused. The other night we spent together was one of the best nights of my life. Low key, with an amazing man, fighting off the world together. Or, that's how it felt. I felt like we had locked ourselves away from the bad things that were happening, and everything was okay again. <3 I hope those days come around again. I keep hoping they do.
He's got me so confused. The other night we spent together was one of the best nights of my life. Low key, with an amazing man, fighting off the world together. Or, that's how it felt. I felt like we had locked ourselves away from the bad things that were happening, and everything was okay again. <3 I hope those days come around again. I keep hoping they do.
Friday, February 18, 2011
So I escape...
I figured maybe once in a while it would be a good idea to actually use this blog to it's fullest potential, and today seems like one of those days. I've been doing a lot of reflecting, and all of it started the day before yesterday... Wednesday. Wednesday night Eric got ahold of me, and told me his father was in the hospital not doing well. He's a diabetic, and is struggling with kidney failure and an infection that may be headed towards his heart. I was totally heartbroken for him, and he asked of me a favor. He said "I need just one night with you." My heart skipped a beat - because to me, that meant that I still meant something. He needed someone, and I was there. He wanted to be with me. I offered to come get him and bring him back to my place, but he was afraid of being too far away from his father in Auburn which I can understand completely. So, what we ended up doing was getting a hotel room in Geneva, and we spent the night together. We cuddled, we loved, we watched TV and ate chicken wings. :) It was a good night. He was mentally exhausted and I could tell. Everything seemed to be the way it used to be. Ass slaps, hand holding, cuddling and all. I was content. I even got to sleep curled up next to him again. Ashley hadn't been this happy since the last time she was with him. Why I'm talking in the third person? I'm not sure yet.
But any way, the next morning we were up early. I couldn't sleep to save my life, and he woke up to me. Things seemed great. He unfortunately did need to go home, then go see his father, which I felt bad for, I wish I could be there for him when he went, but it's not my place. Nothing like having to explain to your father that this is your now ex girlfriend who you just... well, you see where I'm going with this. But point being, we talked the next morning about where we stand. I was confused as always, my loving emotions getting the best of me after a great, great night. But Eric said something that I never expected. He said he has a lot going on right now, but would like to give us another try. <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3
My heart melted. I was content. I have another chance in the world. And I explained some things to him, and how I realized how bad off we were together. And it was all my fault. I have a lot of learning to do, and improving to do. But I want to make this work. I don't want to get my hopes up too much, but I'm ungodly hopeful.
All of this has lead me to do some reflecting on myself, though. Not only through a relationships point of view, but it's made me learn about myself and what I need to do with myself. This morning just seemed to be a perfect time to start on my self reflection and self improvement. I woke up, and did what I needed to do. I had an orange and a fiber one bar for breakfast, got dressed and went outside. I was regathering supplies this morning before the rest of the cold winter snow falls. I got books, books, more books, (okay, so like 6 books) and sewing supplies to keep me busy. But I did what I told myself I would do - I went out and I did it. Like a good girl. :) I've also seen some improvements on my eating habits here and there. More fruits and veggies have come my way, especially since talking so much about food with Lauren. Things are already fitting a little better, and I feel like a million bucks any way because of my little shopping splurge here the past week or so.
Least to say, I'm happy, learning and reverting to old, good habits. <3
But any way, the next morning we were up early. I couldn't sleep to save my life, and he woke up to me. Things seemed great. He unfortunately did need to go home, then go see his father, which I felt bad for, I wish I could be there for him when he went, but it's not my place. Nothing like having to explain to your father that this is your now ex girlfriend who you just... well, you see where I'm going with this. But point being, we talked the next morning about where we stand. I was confused as always, my loving emotions getting the best of me after a great, great night. But Eric said something that I never expected. He said he has a lot going on right now, but would like to give us another try. <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3
My heart melted. I was content. I have another chance in the world. And I explained some things to him, and how I realized how bad off we were together. And it was all my fault. I have a lot of learning to do, and improving to do. But I want to make this work. I don't want to get my hopes up too much, but I'm ungodly hopeful.
All of this has lead me to do some reflecting on myself, though. Not only through a relationships point of view, but it's made me learn about myself and what I need to do with myself. This morning just seemed to be a perfect time to start on my self reflection and self improvement. I woke up, and did what I needed to do. I had an orange and a fiber one bar for breakfast, got dressed and went outside. I was regathering supplies this morning before the rest of the cold winter snow falls. I got books, books, more books, (okay, so like 6 books) and sewing supplies to keep me busy. But I did what I told myself I would do - I went out and I did it. Like a good girl. :) I've also seen some improvements on my eating habits here and there. More fruits and veggies have come my way, especially since talking so much about food with Lauren. Things are already fitting a little better, and I feel like a million bucks any way because of my little shopping splurge here the past week or so.
Least to say, I'm happy, learning and reverting to old, good habits. <3
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Monday, February 14, 2011
Friday, February 11, 2011
And I'm gonna need somebody to make me feel like you do...
I'm sorry it didn't work out for us. I'm sorry it was all my fault. Until you told me my problems were the reason why we split up, I had no idea I was this bad off. And I'm so sorry. I never thought I was this bad. I never thought I was this fucked up. But I guess it goes to show that it's true when you can mess up two relationships for the same reason... one after another. I think things could have been healthy and fantastic for us. I'm sorry you couldn't hold on. Maybe you don't deserve me if you can't stand by me when I'm like this. I know you're strong, but I wish you had just pulled me up with you. Made me stronger. Instead, you let me go and you hurt me.
"I'm in the middle of nowhere
Near the end of the line
But there's a border to somewhere waiting
And there's a tankful of time
Oh give me just another moment
To see the light of the day
And take me to another land where
I don't have to stay
And I'm gonna need somebody to make me feel like you do
And I will receive somebody with open arms, open eyes
Open up the sky and let the planet that I love shine through"
"I'm in the middle of nowhere
Near the end of the line
But there's a border to somewhere waiting
And there's a tankful of time
Oh give me just another moment
To see the light of the day
And take me to another land where
I don't have to stay
And I'm gonna need somebody to make me feel like you do
And I will receive somebody with open arms, open eyes
Open up the sky and let the planet that I love shine through"
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Monday, February 7, 2011
Sunday, February 6, 2011
You have this scar on your chest, that you told me was from you breaking a hot lightbulb and scarring yourself. I remember lying here, each night that you were here and holding you close to me, rubbing your chest around that scar.
I love you, and I'm so tired of fighting for it. It hurts. It hurts to wake up knowing you're not there, it hurts to wake up each morning sick to my stomach, knowing I may never get to be with you again. Unsure what's making me ill, and being scared. I'm so tired of crying, it's so hard. I'm tired of feeling guilty for wanting to run, but what I'm really running away from is the hurt.
I love you, and I'm so tired of fighting for it. It hurts. It hurts to wake up knowing you're not there, it hurts to wake up each morning sick to my stomach, knowing I may never get to be with you again. Unsure what's making me ill, and being scared. I'm so tired of crying, it's so hard. I'm tired of feeling guilty for wanting to run, but what I'm really running away from is the hurt.
Saturday, February 5, 2011
After hearing that Eric and I might get to see one another on Tuesday, I've done nothing but think about him and how much I miss him. I might be trying to talk to Mark more and all, but nothing hides the love I still have for Eric. I miss that boy SO much, and it hurts me SO much to be like this. I've been trying to take my own advice since Caleb and Lindsay broke up and I've been trying to advise her, but it doesn't always work.
I just feel guilty and confused lately, though. I feel guilty for even talking to Mark, and yet, I'm confused because I guess I just don't know what Eric wants any more. I want that boy more than anything, and I want everything to be perfect again and for us to live our happy little lives for once... I just wish karma would get off of my back. Apparently I'm being punished for the way I treated Travis, and I do believe I deserved it. But it doesn't stop it from hurting. I hurt less, but I miss Eric more. :( Especially on nights like tonight when I'm incredibly cold and tired, all I want is to fall asleep in his arms. Sigh. I love that boy so much.
I just feel guilty and confused lately, though. I feel guilty for even talking to Mark, and yet, I'm confused because I guess I just don't know what Eric wants any more. I want that boy more than anything, and I want everything to be perfect again and for us to live our happy little lives for once... I just wish karma would get off of my back. Apparently I'm being punished for the way I treated Travis, and I do believe I deserved it. But it doesn't stop it from hurting. I hurt less, but I miss Eric more. :( Especially on nights like tonight when I'm incredibly cold and tired, all I want is to fall asleep in his arms. Sigh. I love that boy so much.
Friday, February 4, 2011
Thursday, February 3, 2011
I was never "unhappy" with Travis. I was just... there were times where I was hurt, and the hurting wasn't always something everyone else saw. Travis didn't hurt me physically, but more emotionally. He taunted me frequently about my mental problems, to the point where he got almost abusive about it. He also in a way made things incredibly difficult for me to lose weight, he never supported me, and it was always shoved in my face his motto of "If she ain't 280, she ain't a lady." Just even thinking about that saying makes me cringe. It hurt a lot to know that I didn't have a boyfriend who understood my mental issues, and who also didn't understand how much I was hurting by not having any support to lose weight. What's even more hurtful is that apparently everyone else thinks I'm a "mess," but no one ever bothered to care enough to say something to my face. I just wish one person would have stood up with their concerns and brought it to my attention. What's even more degrading is the idea that once Travis and I broke up, everyone seems to be giving me the cold shoulder. I understand that they were Trav's friends first, that's totally fine! But they also 'pretended' to be my friends, too. I wish they all had the same idea that Chris had, the idea that I didn't break up with THEM. I broke up with Travis.
All of this was all just floating through my head this morning because I was just talking to Lindsay. I'll be honest, we had our falling outs, but I do miss her. I miss a lot of people lately. And with all of my depression I've been trying to make amends with a lot of people I've lost contact with. Hell, even my co-workers at Tim Horton's. I stopped to see Shannon! the other day. And since then, I've been talking to her more, she's become a little part of my support system and I am forever grateful for those who haven't abandoned me 'in my darkest hour.' It's important to know who my friends are, and I think it's also important that I maintain a positive relationship with them all and thank them all.
This seems like an awful lot of stuff on my brain, I think I'm done writing and need to veg out again. Maybe a take a shower...
All of this was all just floating through my head this morning because I was just talking to Lindsay. I'll be honest, we had our falling outs, but I do miss her. I miss a lot of people lately. And with all of my depression I've been trying to make amends with a lot of people I've lost contact with. Hell, even my co-workers at Tim Horton's. I stopped to see Shannon! the other day. And since then, I've been talking to her more, she's become a little part of my support system and I am forever grateful for those who haven't abandoned me 'in my darkest hour.' It's important to know who my friends are, and I think it's also important that I maintain a positive relationship with them all and thank them all.
This seems like an awful lot of stuff on my brain, I think I'm done writing and need to veg out again. Maybe a take a shower...
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Are we doing alright in old L.A. tonight?
I'm evaluating how much time in my life has been wasted sitting behind this computer. I was just thinking about this kid, who attends school and works. I saw him online on facebook all day yesterday, assuming he was at work. Today, he hasn't been on - he's been at school. What have I done today? I've sat around, not working, not going to school, and sitting on Facebook.
Granted, Eric and I talked things out today. He again clarified that he left me because he didn't want to end up hurting me. He also admitted that he did love me, but had to stop that love in order to not hurt me. As silly as that sounds, I understand. He wants time to himself, time to be single and work on his life. It's okay. But I wanted to know that our relationship wasn't just based on sex. Daniel unfortunately got that idea in my mind, but now, I know it's not true. <3 I do love Eric, but it apparently just wasn't meant to be. At least not right now, but I'm not giving up on the future. For now, Ashley needs to figure out Ashley, and what she's doing with her life. Unfortunately, that's a lot more difficult than I ever anticipated.
I'm starting to discover that I think I know what I want. I have ambitions to go back to school, but I'm scared. I have a dream of losing weight, but I'm scared. I feel like I'm wasting a lot of time just sitting around, but I validate my ideas simply by the fact that it is winter. There's not a lot of give, it's a depressing time of year, which doesn't make anything any easier. There's no motivation, no want, no hope. And I was feeling hopeless and helpless the other day because of it. But I'm getting up one step at a time, like Friday, I'm going with Nichole to RIT. :]
It's a new step, one step closer to getting to school. The next step seems to be going to find out more about financial processes, and what comes next. I have a lot of decisions to make, and I'm feeling rather lost, actually. I have no guidance, and I need all the help I can get. But everything seems to be looking a little brighter. I'm doing alright, in old L.A. Tonight...
Granted, Eric and I talked things out today. He again clarified that he left me because he didn't want to end up hurting me. He also admitted that he did love me, but had to stop that love in order to not hurt me. As silly as that sounds, I understand. He wants time to himself, time to be single and work on his life. It's okay. But I wanted to know that our relationship wasn't just based on sex. Daniel unfortunately got that idea in my mind, but now, I know it's not true. <3 I do love Eric, but it apparently just wasn't meant to be. At least not right now, but I'm not giving up on the future. For now, Ashley needs to figure out Ashley, and what she's doing with her life. Unfortunately, that's a lot more difficult than I ever anticipated.
I'm starting to discover that I think I know what I want. I have ambitions to go back to school, but I'm scared. I have a dream of losing weight, but I'm scared. I feel like I'm wasting a lot of time just sitting around, but I validate my ideas simply by the fact that it is winter. There's not a lot of give, it's a depressing time of year, which doesn't make anything any easier. There's no motivation, no want, no hope. And I was feeling hopeless and helpless the other day because of it. But I'm getting up one step at a time, like Friday, I'm going with Nichole to RIT. :]
It's a new step, one step closer to getting to school. The next step seems to be going to find out more about financial processes, and what comes next. I have a lot of decisions to make, and I'm feeling rather lost, actually. I have no guidance, and I need all the help I can get. But everything seems to be looking a little brighter. I'm doing alright, in old L.A. Tonight...
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Thursday, January 27, 2011
I spend a ton of wasted hours here, sitting behind my laptop. And I'll admit, it's frustrating. Especially when I feel this anxiety ridden and upset. I for some reason since last night, if Eric doesn't answer me, I get panicky. I don't want to be that girlfriend that needs to keep tabs on him at all times to make herself feel better... It's not fair.
But I don't know what else to do with myself when I can't concentrate on anything because I'm working myself into a panic thinking he's ignoring me. Shit sucks. And it's even more intolerable because I feel like I don't have anyone. It seems like everyone else is busy and off doing their own thing, and I can't fucking sit still! I sincerely just want out of this house, I want to go see Eric, I need reassurance and help. I would give anything to just fall asleep now, and sleep through the night. But I've recently found myself regretting taking naps, they keep me up all hours, and I'm sleeping too god damn much as it is. Earlier today I woke up around 8:30, talked to Eric, and totally fell back to sleep until 11, until I started having bad dreams. I won't talk about them any more, because it's over with. But I feel like a mess lately, and I hate that feeling. I feel disoriented and out of place.
But I don't know what else to do with myself when I can't concentrate on anything because I'm working myself into a panic thinking he's ignoring me. Shit sucks. And it's even more intolerable because I feel like I don't have anyone. It seems like everyone else is busy and off doing their own thing, and I can't fucking sit still! I sincerely just want out of this house, I want to go see Eric, I need reassurance and help. I would give anything to just fall asleep now, and sleep through the night. But I've recently found myself regretting taking naps, they keep me up all hours, and I'm sleeping too god damn much as it is. Earlier today I woke up around 8:30, talked to Eric, and totally fell back to sleep until 11, until I started having bad dreams. I won't talk about them any more, because it's over with. But I feel like a mess lately, and I hate that feeling. I feel disoriented and out of place.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
I've never felt so happy in my entire life.
Eric is lying here next to me, sound asleep in my bed. Metallica is playing Hero of the Day on iTunes. I can't stop smiling, and I'm just so happy I could cry.
I met my new therapist today and I have a feeling that it's going to take a little while to warm up to her. She's young like Malinda, which I guess can be a good thing, she can probably identify a little bit more with what I'm going through, then. What was even more amazing is the fact that Eric came with me today. Day in and day out I'm learning more and more that that boy loves me. And it makes my world complete.
Eric is lying here next to me, sound asleep in my bed. Metallica is playing Hero of the Day on iTunes. I can't stop smiling, and I'm just so happy I could cry.
I met my new therapist today and I have a feeling that it's going to take a little while to warm up to her. She's young like Malinda, which I guess can be a good thing, she can probably identify a little bit more with what I'm going through, then. What was even more amazing is the fact that Eric came with me today. Day in and day out I'm learning more and more that that boy loves me. And it makes my world complete.
Monday, January 24, 2011
Planet earth is blue, and there's nothing I can do...
Aryeon's version of this song is pretty spectacular. I'm not a HUGE fan of the song, but I really like their version! But that's not what I'm here to write about...
I think Eric is right when he says my priorities are a little messed up. The other day we were driving to Canandaigua, and we accidentally slipped off of the road and into a ditch. It happens. I didn't have any issue with that. I felt safe, I felt like Eric knew what he was doing... We got out, no signs hit, everything was fine. But I worry about the silliest things. Like losing people. I worry about Eric cheating on me, and losing those I love close to me. Especially him.
Tonight, Travis wouldn't leave me alone. And I told him off, essentially. And then Joe got involved. This made me uncomfortable, for fears that I might lose Joe and the rest of the Buffalo crew. A big chunk of the reason why I got back with Travis after he cheated on me and we broke up was because I feared losing all of our mutual friends. I understand they were Travis's friends first, however, I also expect them to respect me and my choices. Well, tonight, Joe made me all upset. He got in mine and Trav's business, which never should have happened, and it made me reflect on the fact that I fear losing people. I got physically upset. Crying upset. But then Liz rationalized it for me - if these people do leave solely for the idea that Travis and I broke up and I moved on so quickly, then they're not really good friends. I understand that to a point. I know Joe was just sticking up for his best friend of 20 years, but it still concerns me.
One thing that doesn't concern me is people who I was never too close of friends with, like Gill. She deleted me from facebook. Big ouch there, right? Not. Don't get me wrong, she's not a bad person, but I don't think she ever liked me in the first place. Which is no big deal. Apparently there's a lot of word on the street about me not being liked, or being a bitch for moving on so quickly. And I can understand all of that. However, not everyone knows what I went through in the relationship, but a lot of people have seen how our relationship ended a very, very long time ago, before it was official. I was talking to Chris about that the other day. He agreed that our relationship had ended a long time ago and he saw it. What bothers me is the fact that no one had the courage to slap me around and tell me what was up. lol I probably wouldn't have listened any way, but I do know that Travis and I shouldn't have gotten back together when he cheated on me. But, such is life. Don't get me wrong, when things were good in our relationship, they were good. But when they were bad, they were horrid. And that's what pushed me to leave. That, and Eric. I never anticipated falling so hard for that boy. <3 And it's brought me to where I am now. I'm doing what I want for ME. And not for anyone else. I'm being a little selfish now, and it's all okay.
I think Eric is right when he says my priorities are a little messed up. The other day we were driving to Canandaigua, and we accidentally slipped off of the road and into a ditch. It happens. I didn't have any issue with that. I felt safe, I felt like Eric knew what he was doing... We got out, no signs hit, everything was fine. But I worry about the silliest things. Like losing people. I worry about Eric cheating on me, and losing those I love close to me. Especially him.
Tonight, Travis wouldn't leave me alone. And I told him off, essentially. And then Joe got involved. This made me uncomfortable, for fears that I might lose Joe and the rest of the Buffalo crew. A big chunk of the reason why I got back with Travis after he cheated on me and we broke up was because I feared losing all of our mutual friends. I understand they were Travis's friends first, however, I also expect them to respect me and my choices. Well, tonight, Joe made me all upset. He got in mine and Trav's business, which never should have happened, and it made me reflect on the fact that I fear losing people. I got physically upset. Crying upset. But then Liz rationalized it for me - if these people do leave solely for the idea that Travis and I broke up and I moved on so quickly, then they're not really good friends. I understand that to a point. I know Joe was just sticking up for his best friend of 20 years, but it still concerns me.
One thing that doesn't concern me is people who I was never too close of friends with, like Gill. She deleted me from facebook. Big ouch there, right? Not. Don't get me wrong, she's not a bad person, but I don't think she ever liked me in the first place. Which is no big deal. Apparently there's a lot of word on the street about me not being liked, or being a bitch for moving on so quickly. And I can understand all of that. However, not everyone knows what I went through in the relationship, but a lot of people have seen how our relationship ended a very, very long time ago, before it was official. I was talking to Chris about that the other day. He agreed that our relationship had ended a long time ago and he saw it. What bothers me is the fact that no one had the courage to slap me around and tell me what was up. lol I probably wouldn't have listened any way, but I do know that Travis and I shouldn't have gotten back together when he cheated on me. But, such is life. Don't get me wrong, when things were good in our relationship, they were good. But when they were bad, they were horrid. And that's what pushed me to leave. That, and Eric. I never anticipated falling so hard for that boy. <3 And it's brought me to where I am now. I'm doing what I want for ME. And not for anyone else. I'm being a little selfish now, and it's all okay.
Saturday, January 22, 2011
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Monday, January 10, 2011
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
I learned a lesson today.
Cater to your stomach, not to your wallet.
Today, I went out and got a sub from Wegmans. I ate half of it while I was at Wegmans, like a normal person. Thought about the idea of eating more, but I was embarrassed. I knew I should have gotten just a half any way... but I didn't.
I left the store and went home. I ate the second half. For no reason. Because I was embarrassed, I wouldn't eat it in public. And I'll be honest, I'm also hiding my eating from Eric. I don't want him to know the truth. Ugh.
Cater to your stomach, not to your wallet.
Today, I went out and got a sub from Wegmans. I ate half of it while I was at Wegmans, like a normal person. Thought about the idea of eating more, but I was embarrassed. I knew I should have gotten just a half any way... but I didn't.
I left the store and went home. I ate the second half. For no reason. Because I was embarrassed, I wouldn't eat it in public. And I'll be honest, I'm also hiding my eating from Eric. I don't want him to know the truth. Ugh.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)