I love you.
Everything about you.
And its driving me crazy.

You can be my slave and I'll be a stranger
we could be in passion we could be in danger
Take you off the street put you under my wings
yeah you could pull my leg or anything
Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah
yeah yeah yeah oh yeah

You could be the devil you could be the saviour
well I really can't tell by the way of your behavior
I'll take you off the boat put you under my wings yeah
you could pull my leg or anything
Yeah yeah yeah yeah
yeah yeah yeah yeah oh yeah

I don't know what you're playin' don't even know what you're sayin'
You gotta leave me alone I'm gonna go on home
Ah the things are gettin' tougher
yeah the things are gettin' rougher
This is Alice speakin'
suffer
yeah yeah yeah yeah

You could be the devil you could be the saviour
well I really can't tell by the way of your behavior
Take you off the street put you under my wings yeah
You could pull my leg or anything yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

My super hero lies in the heart of this man. He's got my heart, even though we aren't together. Frankly, I love Eric. I just don't know where we go from here....

He's got me so confused. The other night we spent together was one of the best nights of my life. Low key, with an amazing man, fighting off the world together. Or, that's how it felt. I felt like we had locked ourselves away from the bad things that were happening, and everything was okay again. <3 I hope those days come around again. I keep hoping they do.

I hope one of the demons inside of you is telling you to love me...

So I escape...

I figured maybe once in a while it would be a good idea to actually use this blog to it's fullest potential, and today seems like one of those days. I've been doing a lot of reflecting, and all of it started the day before yesterday... Wednesday. Wednesday night Eric got ahold of me, and told me his father was in the hospital not doing well. He's a diabetic, and is struggling with kidney failure and an infection that may be headed towards his heart. I was totally heartbroken for him, and he asked of me a favor. He said "I need just one night with you." My heart skipped a beat - because to me, that meant that I still meant something. He needed someone, and I was there. He wanted to be with me. I offered to come get him and bring him back to my place, but he was afraid of being too far away from his father in Auburn which I can understand completely. So, what we ended up doing was getting a hotel room in Geneva, and we spent the night together. We cuddled, we loved, we watched TV and ate chicken wings. :) It was a good night. He was mentally exhausted and I could tell. Everything seemed to be the way it used to be. Ass slaps, hand holding, cuddling and all. I was content. I even got to sleep curled up next to him again. Ashley hadn't been this happy since the last time she was with him. Why I'm talking in the third person? I'm not sure yet.

But any way, the next morning we were up early. I couldn't sleep to save my life, and he woke up to me. Things seemed great. He unfortunately did need to go home, then go see his father, which I felt bad for, I wish I could be there for him when he went, but it's not my place. Nothing like having to explain to your father that this is your now ex girlfriend who you just... well, you see where I'm going with this. But point being, we talked the next morning about where we stand. I was confused as always, my loving emotions getting the best of me after a great, great night. But Eric said something that I never expected. He said he has a lot going on right now, but would like to give us another try. <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3
My heart melted. I was content. I have another chance in the world. And I explained some things to him, and how I realized how bad off we were together. And it was all my fault. I have a lot of learning to do, and improving to do. But I want to make this work. I don't want to get my hopes up too much, but I'm ungodly hopeful.

All of this has lead me to do some reflecting on myself, though. Not only through a relationships point of view, but it's made me learn about myself and what I need to do with myself. This morning just seemed to be a perfect time to start on my self reflection and self improvement. I woke up, and did what I needed to do. I had an orange and a fiber one bar for breakfast, got dressed and went outside. I was regathering supplies this morning before the rest of the cold winter snow falls. I got books, books, more books, (okay, so like 6 books) and sewing supplies to keep me busy. But I did what I told myself I would do - I went out and I did it. Like a good girl. :) I've also seen some improvements on my eating habits here and there. More fruits and veggies have come my way, especially since talking so much about food with Lauren. Things are already fitting a little better, and I feel like a million bucks any way because of my little shopping splurge here the past week or so.

Least to say, I'm happy, learning and reverting to old, good habits. <3

I came home smelling like you.
AND I FUCKING LOVED IT.

I miss those big brown puppy-dog eyes. So much.



....so much.

What do you want out of life?

I was so madly in love with you...

It's hard going to bed without you beside me.
I love you.




...man. I really am confused.

And I'm gonna need somebody to make me feel like you do...

I'm sorry it didn't work out for us. I'm sorry it was all my fault. Until you told me my problems were the reason why we split up, I had no idea I was this bad off. And I'm so sorry. I never thought I was this bad. I never thought I was this fucked up. But I guess it goes to show that it's true when you can mess up two relationships for the same reason... one after another. I think things could have been healthy and fantastic for us. I'm sorry you couldn't hold on. Maybe you don't deserve me if you can't stand by me when I'm like this. I know you're strong, but I wish you had just pulled me up with you. Made me stronger. Instead, you let me go and you hurt me.

"I'm in the middle of nowhere
Near the end of the line
But there's a border to somewhere waiting
And there's a tankful of time
Oh give me just another moment
To see the light of the day
And take me to another land where
I don't have to stay
And I'm gonna need somebody to make me feel like you do
And I will receive somebody with open arms, open eyes
Open up the sky and let the planet that I love shine through"

What're you doing with your life?

It's okay, you don't have to see it any more. <3
you did well.

My heart skips a beat each and every time I think about you moving on. It's not fair.

You have this scar on your chest, that you told me was from you breaking a hot lightbulb and scarring yourself. I remember lying here, each night that you were here and holding you close to me, rubbing your chest around that scar.

I love you, and I'm so tired of fighting for it. It hurts. It hurts to wake up knowing you're not there, it hurts to wake up each morning sick to my stomach, knowing I may never get to be with you again. Unsure what's making me ill, and being scared. I'm so tired of crying, it's so hard. I'm tired of feeling guilty for wanting to run, but what I'm really running away from is the hurt.

After hearing that Eric and I might get to see one another on Tuesday, I've done nothing but think about him and how much I miss him. I might be trying to talk to Mark more and all, but nothing hides the love I still have for Eric. I miss that boy SO much, and it hurts me SO much to be like this. I've been trying to take my own advice since Caleb and Lindsay broke up and I've been trying to advise her, but it doesn't always work.

I just feel guilty and confused lately, though. I feel guilty for even talking to Mark, and yet, I'm confused because I guess I just don't know what Eric wants any more. I want that boy more than anything, and I want everything to be perfect again and for us to live our happy little lives for once... I just wish karma would get off of my back. Apparently I'm being punished for the way I treated Travis, and I do believe I deserved it. But it doesn't stop it from hurting. I hurt less, but I miss Eric more. :( Especially on nights like tonight when I'm incredibly cold and tired, all I want is to fall asleep in his arms. Sigh. I love that boy so much.

Compassion –noun
1.a feeling of deep sympathy and sorrow for another who is stricken by misfortune, accompanied by a strong desire to alleviate the suffering.

I'm so fucking in love with you I can't stand it.

I was never "unhappy" with Travis. I was just... there were times where I was hurt, and the hurting wasn't always something everyone else saw. Travis didn't hurt me physically, but more emotionally. He taunted me frequently about my mental problems, to the point where he got almost abusive about it. He also in a way made things incredibly difficult for me to lose weight, he never supported me, and it was always shoved in my face his motto of "If she ain't 280, she ain't a lady." Just even thinking about that saying makes me cringe. It hurt a lot to know that I didn't have a boyfriend who understood my mental issues, and who also didn't understand how much I was hurting by not having any support to lose weight. What's even more hurtful is that apparently everyone else thinks I'm a "mess," but no one ever bothered to care enough to say something to my face. I just wish one person would have stood up with their concerns and brought it to my attention. What's even more degrading is the idea that once Travis and I broke up, everyone seems to be giving me the cold shoulder. I understand that they were Trav's friends first, that's totally fine! But they also 'pretended' to be my friends, too. I wish they all had the same idea that Chris had, the idea that I didn't break up with THEM. I broke up with Travis.

All of this was all just floating through my head this morning because I was just talking to Lindsay. I'll be honest, we had our falling outs, but I do miss her. I miss a lot of people lately. And with all of my depression I've been trying to make amends with a lot of people I've lost contact with. Hell, even my co-workers at Tim Horton's. I stopped to see Shannon! the other day. And since then, I've been talking to her more, she's become a little part of my support system and I am forever grateful for those who haven't abandoned me 'in my darkest hour.' It's important to know who my friends are, and I think it's also important that I maintain a positive relationship with them all and thank them all.

This seems like an awful lot of stuff on my brain, I think I'm done writing and need to veg out again. Maybe a take a shower...

I feel like stealing people's words right now.
And I'm too lazy to get out my actual journal.
I feel lonely.
And upset.
And I miss Eric horribly.
Talking to this Mark kid makes me kinda happy.
I'm a fucking mess.

Are we doing alright in old L.A. tonight?

I'm evaluating how much time in my life has been wasted sitting behind this computer. I was just thinking about this kid, who attends school and works. I saw him online on facebook all day yesterday, assuming he was at work. Today, he hasn't been on - he's been at school. What have I done today? I've sat around, not working, not going to school, and sitting on Facebook.

Granted, Eric and I talked things out today. He again clarified that he left me because he didn't want to end up hurting me. He also admitted that he did love me, but had to stop that love in order to not hurt me. As silly as that sounds, I understand. He wants time to himself, time to be single and work on his life. It's okay. But I wanted to know that our relationship wasn't just based on sex. Daniel unfortunately got that idea in my mind, but now, I know it's not true. <3 I do love Eric, but it apparently just wasn't meant to be. At least not right now, but I'm not giving up on the future. For now, Ashley needs to figure out Ashley, and what she's doing with her life. Unfortunately, that's a lot more difficult than I ever anticipated.

I'm starting to discover that I think I know what I want. I have ambitions to go back to school, but I'm scared. I have a dream of losing weight, but I'm scared. I feel like I'm wasting a lot of time just sitting around, but I validate my ideas simply by the fact that it is winter. There's not a lot of give, it's a depressing time of year, which doesn't make anything any easier. There's no motivation, no want, no hope. And I was feeling hopeless and helpless the other day because of it. But I'm getting up one step at a time, like Friday, I'm going with Nichole to RIT. :]

It's a new step, one step closer to getting to school. The next step seems to be going to find out more about financial processes, and what comes next. I have a lot of decisions to make, and I'm feeling rather lost, actually. I have no guidance, and I need all the help I can get. But everything seems to be looking a little brighter. I'm doing alright, in old L.A. Tonight...