21st birthday = amazing.
I'm kinda smitten tonight.

I ask you if it's storming where you are, just to make conversation.
It's storming here, in the heartland. If you get what I mean.
I can never stop griping about what happened to us, because it hurts.
I talk about it all the time, mostly here. But it's common.
It's common, and it hurts.

I still can't believe how much it hurts some times. And it all doesn't make sense. I've never fallen for anyone as hard as I fell for you. And to have that ripped out from under me after all of those promises you made. It's hard to cope with. Especially on nights like this, where I want you. I want nothing more than to love you....

We stood there with our backs to the wall,
The guns shot above our heads.
And to the witches they said
They said nothing at all.
-------------------------------------------------
The old man stands
With blood on his hands
The blood of his wife.

We slow danced to Alice in Chains.
(Some how)
And you told me we'd need to get used to this - we'd be doing it at our wedding.
(What happened to you?)
What happened to this?
(You never loved me, did you?)

So this is what it's like to feel good again. :)
I woke up with a smile on my face, a totally windy and rainy day, and I'm beyond content. And it's showing like some sort of manic phase. I'm talking to my friend Will about all of this, and I'm reflecting upon what mania used to be like for me.. how impulsive I was, how I was constantly spending money, and how I went on my little trip to NJ, and fucked myself over. Oh man, the past year has been incredibly insane.

But I feel okay today, and I almost have forgotten what it's like to just be content. I'm not worried or bothered by thoughts of Eric, or thoughts of Travis, or negative impacts of what happened between Jeremy and I yesterday. :) It all just seems okay and low-key. Which is what I keep talking about during therapy, how things seem to have gotten better and how I feel a little bit more stable.

I also suck at this whole blogging thing. I lose my concentration and I give up. lol

The first night we were together you told me you loved me.
And I felt it then. I had fallen head over heels in love with you.
The second I saw you.
And now, all you have for me is to tell me that I need to get over it.
That you're with someone else, and going to have children.
What in the world was wrong with you while you were with me?
What in the fuck is wrong with you now?

Even though I'm distracting myself, I still hope some day the angels will carry you to me again.

I wake up in the basement I'm so hungry I'm dry
I must be here sleepwalking mustn't I
Getting up from my easy chair looking for my wife
Following a trial of crimson spots that lead into the night
Suddenly I realize I see it all through real eyes
These crimson spots are dripping from my hand
And oh it makes me feel like a man.

I'm dying for attention, and I think it's showing.






Every time I think of you, I get thunder and grey skies.

I decided not to give up today.

You'll feel beautiful soon.
I promise.

I feel like I could lay down right now, shut my eyes and just drift off to sleep again...

I've been sleeping an awful lot lately, and I'm really not sure why. I think it's because frankly, I'm bored. I'm bored with life. I'm bored with what's going on at home, I hate it. I work rarely (which, I'm okay with right now), I don't have my car, and when I' m not with Lauren, I don't do much of anything. I'm just tired all the time, and bored, and trying to be inspired...

And I don't even have the attention span to keep writing. This fuckin' sucks.

I had a blast with Trav's new girlfriend tonight. :) It was great.
Too bad it ended poorly, but better.
What really sucks, though, is there isn't a night where I don't miss you. Ever.
I fucking hate it.

Been here before, couldn't say I liked it.

Tonight on the way home, as I was turning down Footer Rd. I had a thought.

I wanted to roll to the top of the hill up in Honeoye, and I could see this clearly. I wanted to look up at the stars, see the sky clearly like I never have before. I could see this, sitting in the red subaru. I could see it. Looking out at the stars, and the next thing I know, I'd shoot myself in the head. Only leaving blood and brain matter for the next person to find.

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