I embarked on the beginning of a life-long journey today. Today, I obtained my credit card from my Mom to go out and buy some bras. Some bras that fit me. In the past few years, I had learned that I can squeeze my large frame into a 38C bra. But that was a time when I weighed a lot less.
Between the end of March, when I started my medication called Wellbutrin and now, I’ve gained probably... 35 lbs. Not including the weight I had put on prior to March, after my Mom had her double bypass. Between that November and March, I had gained about 20 lbs. So in total, I’ve gained a good 50+ lbs. With this weight gain, I’ve become the largest I’ve ever been in my life. I’ve gone beyond my peak weight which was 275 lbs, which I had reached in middle school. With this weight gain, I’ve also acquired a new, horrible outlook. I’ve become self-conscious about every part of my body, and I’ve tried to hide it. I’ve tried to squish myself into clothes that are too tight, pants that no longer fit me, and shirts that have become too short and clingy. This included my lingerie.
For the past few years, I’ve been putting my boobs into a 38C bra, where the cups have fit, and the bands have cut into my sides. I was left with red marks that surround my breasts and my circumference, making me look even less sexy than I already felt. But I had never noticed it until a week ago. So, I decided when I went over to my Mom’s, I would grab my credit card and find a way to make myself feel better. Shopping had been an addiction for me, and it made me feel better in the short term. But now, I wanted to shop to cure an addiction... my self harm.
Though when I went to see my mom the first time and we fought, I didn’t get my card. It was just too much all at once. The fight, not talking to her, taking it without letting her know when she’s paying the bill... I couldn’t do it. But today, I went back to my mom’s house with Travis, and I asked her for it. And that’s when I took my first step in the journey. Travis and I were to meet Chris at the mall, and I thought I’d let the boys have their time, and I’d shop.
I started looking at JC Penny, Sears and the like...and I didn’t get very far. I didn’t find anything in my size... I started to look for a 40B or a 40C. One size up, I could deal with that, since I had learned the other day that now I can fill the cups of a larger band size, which I could never do before. But alas, I found nothing, and eventually parted ways with Travis so he could go with Chris. I then ventured to Lane Bryant to see what I could find. With no luck, I found full price bras. But I was determined not to give up, so I took a look at the clearance rack. I had also decided I was going to hunt down some bottoms, since none of my pants fit any more, either. I found a pair of grey skinny jeans, and I fell in love. They were a size 18, and I thought “Hey, they’re in Lane Bryant, they might fit.” I was going to attempt a bigger size, but all I found were 24s. But the 18s were no avail. They were never going to fit me. So I snuck out of the fitting room to grab the 24s in hopes that they would be just too big for me, and I’d be able to pass on them. But who could pass on a pair of pants from Lane Bryant for $9.99? I couldn’t, because the 24s fit. And I didn’t throw a fit, I didn’t want to cry for once... I didn’t find myself hating myself like I have before. So I felt as though my day was off to a good start.
I then decided I would go to Target, despite my unfortunate stomach ache. As I filtered through Target making a quick stop to browse for pants, I gathered a good five or so bras. Some of them were so cute! I even convinced myself to go for a lace non-molded cup with some leopard print accents. I felt so brave, and with that bra on, so beautiful! Unfortunately, I noticed it did the same thing the 38Cs did, they kind of bunched up around my sides. As did the other bras I had tried on. So, after another handful of bras, I gave up, and decided to look at some undies. I bought some string bikinis and I was on my way.
I decided to go to KMart, and take a look at some of those boxed bras. I know some of them can be kind of ugly, but I found a few that were decent cloth cups with wire. They looked just as normal as any other t-shirt bra, so I thought why not give them a try? I also filled my hands with as many 40Cs as I could get my hands on. I went into the fitting room and I just destroyed it! I had countless bras strewn all over the place while I left my shirt, purse and black bra crumpled up on the bench to pile through all of the bras I had picked out. Unfortunately, not a one fit. But I was determined not to give up. And I found myself picking up another huge handful of 40Cs, still to do that same bunching business under my arms as the others did. Sigh. I knew it was time to move on. So, I took a look at some undies there, and bought some more string bikinis because I was feeling them, and I got my way out of there.
I was exhausted by this point, and I stumbled my way to Dress Barn while talking to Katherine on the phone. I was in and out of there in a heartbeat, for they had no bras. I was disappointed. Fighting my way through traffic to get back to Travis’s to drop off the electronics I had hiding in my trunk. I didn’t want my camera, lap top and wii hiding in the trunk while I was in the city.
Since I hadn’t had any luck what so ever with any bras by now, I put my thinking cap on and went to Wal Mart in Irondequoit. Being in the city has made me realize that they take on a little more weight here, which means they carry bigger sizes in their stores. Though I had found a multitude of larger sizes, I put two and two together and I went one size bigger. I went to a 42C, and I grabbed 5 bras and tried them all on. I had a realization that a 42 band size fits smoothly on my sides in some bras. I had figured out the secret to life! So I piled through two trials of bras, and really only found one that fit. I know my odds for finding a bra that fits is about 1:100, so I was content. Because it all in all made me feel better. My skin wasn’t being pinched in odd places, and I could lift my hands up and down and move around without my bra even moving. What was I thinking prior to this? I then discovered a plethora of even more bras and did some digging. I wanted a black one, and boy was I determined. Unfortunately, no 42s rang my bell without making me look like a grandmother. So I paid for my single $7 bra and I was on my way to the other Target, which unfortunately had a very, very tiny selection.
I guess Target must be the upscale store, not catering to those heavy people, because there weren’t very many bras in sight over a 36 anything. But, there weren’t very many bras there any way. And there never are. However, I did weasel my way into finding a few black bras to try on, and one teal one. None of which fit me. By now, I was almost dead on my feet. I felt as though I was going to pass out, I was so hungry and totally gone. But I had one more store on my list! AJ Wright.
AJ Wright was an inspiration for me to start this journey, since I had bought this one very, very cute bra there. It was bright pink covered in black skulls. However, this one was a 38B, and did more crimping of my skin than any other bra I had ever had. But it was cheap, and it fit alright at the time, so I bought it! But it’s been giving me hell now. I tried on a a few more bras after digging through the large masses of them, and I settled on one. It was red and white striped, and came with cute matching panties. But that was the only one in the bunch that I liked. Not to mention, the pants I wanted to try on didn’t fit either. So, I finally had given up, but not after one last look. But I was NOT trying on ANY more bras. Ever. I found a few more 42Cs, and gathered them quickly. The red and white one was the most expensive, so the others were a bargain!
I was finally able to go home, though. Finally. But not to rest. I ran out the door to Starbucks after eating, and I had to see Travis again at Chris’s. But I got home probably just before 11, and I tried on all of my goodies. After my day of hard work, only three bras fit. And none of the panties did. And I was incredibly sad. But I spent the time taking what fit and sending pics to Trav to make me happy again.
Even though I had an iffy day, with trials and tribulations of accepting myself and looking for new lingerie, I feel good. Unfortunately, I’m in one of those moods where I just don’t want to sleep. I feel like I wasted away a bit of my day, and there’s more to be done. But I feel accomplished for writing this, but I think I have some thinking to do. I may just peruse the Penny Saver for jobs...