Each and every day I dread what I've become. But what makes matters even worse is I don't know how to control it. I feel like I'm spiraling downward with my attitude, my weight, my eating... I've been binging horribly lately, and it's getting unhealthy. I don't know what else to do any more. I feel like I have no remorse when it comes to food. I've been stuffing myself uncontrollably, and it's becoming disgusting, degrading, embarrassing and incredibly hard to deal with.

I keep thinking about how much better off I was while I was in college. Yeah, I was still heavy, but I was a hell of a lot smaller than I am now. I was a little bit more active, I had more people to occupy my time with, and I had a hell of a lot more to do. Now, I have nothing. Nothing but a plethora of emotions I don't know how to deal with. No car, no group of friends, nothing but rain... It makes for a near impossible improvement.

What's upset me most lately is the fact that those I felt as though were my good friends, I feel like they're no longer there for me or to help support me. Lauren and I got into a fight, Liz won't answer my texts... and I feel lost. It was rejuvenating to see Carolyn again the other night. To know that she still cares. I just feel like I've lost a lot of what I used to have. I feel out of control and like there's nothing that can be done about it.

I missed therapy this week, and I realized just how important it is for me to go to therapy. Even if nothing's going on. Talk therapy has helped me with a lot, it helps me rationalize what's going on around me in life.

But now it's time for the next step, and I don't quite yet know what it is