I love you.
Everything about you.
And its driving me crazy.

You can be my slave and I'll be a stranger
we could be in passion we could be in danger
Take you off the street put you under my wings
yeah you could pull my leg or anything
Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah
yeah yeah yeah oh yeah

You could be the devil you could be the saviour
well I really can't tell by the way of your behavior
I'll take you off the boat put you under my wings yeah
you could pull my leg or anything
Yeah yeah yeah yeah
yeah yeah yeah yeah oh yeah

I don't know what you're playin' don't even know what you're sayin'
You gotta leave me alone I'm gonna go on home
Ah the things are gettin' tougher
yeah the things are gettin' rougher
This is Alice speakin'
suffer
yeah yeah yeah yeah

You could be the devil you could be the saviour
well I really can't tell by the way of your behavior
Take you off the street put you under my wings yeah
You could pull my leg or anything yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

My super hero lies in the heart of this man. He's got my heart, even though we aren't together. Frankly, I love Eric. I just don't know where we go from here....

He's got me so confused. The other night we spent together was one of the best nights of my life. Low key, with an amazing man, fighting off the world together. Or, that's how it felt. I felt like we had locked ourselves away from the bad things that were happening, and everything was okay again. <3 I hope those days come around again. I keep hoping they do.

I hope one of the demons inside of you is telling you to love me...

So I escape...

I figured maybe once in a while it would be a good idea to actually use this blog to it's fullest potential, and today seems like one of those days. I've been doing a lot of reflecting, and all of it started the day before yesterday... Wednesday. Wednesday night Eric got ahold of me, and told me his father was in the hospital not doing well. He's a diabetic, and is struggling with kidney failure and an infection that may be headed towards his heart. I was totally heartbroken for him, and he asked of me a favor. He said "I need just one night with you." My heart skipped a beat - because to me, that meant that I still meant something. He needed someone, and I was there. He wanted to be with me. I offered to come get him and bring him back to my place, but he was afraid of being too far away from his father in Auburn which I can understand completely. So, what we ended up doing was getting a hotel room in Geneva, and we spent the night together. We cuddled, we loved, we watched TV and ate chicken wings. :) It was a good night. He was mentally exhausted and I could tell. Everything seemed to be the way it used to be. Ass slaps, hand holding, cuddling and all. I was content. I even got to sleep curled up next to him again. Ashley hadn't been this happy since the last time she was with him. Why I'm talking in the third person? I'm not sure yet.

But any way, the next morning we were up early. I couldn't sleep to save my life, and he woke up to me. Things seemed great. He unfortunately did need to go home, then go see his father, which I felt bad for, I wish I could be there for him when he went, but it's not my place. Nothing like having to explain to your father that this is your now ex girlfriend who you just... well, you see where I'm going with this. But point being, we talked the next morning about where we stand. I was confused as always, my loving emotions getting the best of me after a great, great night. But Eric said something that I never expected. He said he has a lot going on right now, but would like to give us another try. <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3
My heart melted. I was content. I have another chance in the world. And I explained some things to him, and how I realized how bad off we were together. And it was all my fault. I have a lot of learning to do, and improving to do. But I want to make this work. I don't want to get my hopes up too much, but I'm ungodly hopeful.

All of this has lead me to do some reflecting on myself, though. Not only through a relationships point of view, but it's made me learn about myself and what I need to do with myself. This morning just seemed to be a perfect time to start on my self reflection and self improvement. I woke up, and did what I needed to do. I had an orange and a fiber one bar for breakfast, got dressed and went outside. I was regathering supplies this morning before the rest of the cold winter snow falls. I got books, books, more books, (okay, so like 6 books) and sewing supplies to keep me busy. But I did what I told myself I would do - I went out and I did it. Like a good girl. :) I've also seen some improvements on my eating habits here and there. More fruits and veggies have come my way, especially since talking so much about food with Lauren. Things are already fitting a little better, and I feel like a million bucks any way because of my little shopping splurge here the past week or so.

Least to say, I'm happy, learning and reverting to old, good habits. <3

I came home smelling like you.
AND I FUCKING LOVED IT.

I miss those big brown puppy-dog eyes. So much.



....so much.

What do you want out of life?

I was so madly in love with you...

It's hard going to bed without you beside me.
I love you.




...man. I really am confused.

And I'm gonna need somebody to make me feel like you do...

I'm sorry it didn't work out for us. I'm sorry it was all my fault. Until you told me my problems were the reason why we split up, I had no idea I was this bad off. And I'm so sorry. I never thought I was this bad. I never thought I was this fucked up. But I guess it goes to show that it's true when you can mess up two relationships for the same reason... one after another. I think things could have been healthy and fantastic for us. I'm sorry you couldn't hold on. Maybe you don't deserve me if you can't stand by me when I'm like this. I know you're strong, but I wish you had just pulled me up with you. Made me stronger. Instead, you let me go and you hurt me.

"I'm in the middle of nowhere
Near the end of the line
But there's a border to somewhere waiting
And there's a tankful of time
Oh give me just another moment
To see the light of the day
And take me to another land where
I don't have to stay
And I'm gonna need somebody to make me feel like you do
And I will receive somebody with open arms, open eyes
Open up the sky and let the planet that I love shine through"

What're you doing with your life?

It's okay, you don't have to see it any more. <3
you did well.

My heart skips a beat each and every time I think about you moving on. It's not fair.

You have this scar on your chest, that you told me was from you breaking a hot lightbulb and scarring yourself. I remember lying here, each night that you were here and holding you close to me, rubbing your chest around that scar.

I love you, and I'm so tired of fighting for it. It hurts. It hurts to wake up knowing you're not there, it hurts to wake up each morning sick to my stomach, knowing I may never get to be with you again. Unsure what's making me ill, and being scared. I'm so tired of crying, it's so hard. I'm tired of feeling guilty for wanting to run, but what I'm really running away from is the hurt.