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Well, that was an epic fail. I can't even spell out what I'm doing. Let alone do it. This is probably going to be another epically ridiculous post because I can't motivate myself to do anything, or to concentrate on anything at all. I, again, had another incredibly shitty day. Recently, since about therapy Monday, I've found myself in this depressed state again. Not wanting to get out of bed, wanting to do nothing but sleep, lacking motivation even though I continue to think about doing things... It's by far the worst feeling in the entire world.

It's hard going to therapy, and then later that week just falling back into your old habits. Last week was a fairly busy week. I went out a lot, hanging with the guys (Trav and Chris), having coffee with others, talking on the phone, etc. I went out a lot. This week? Not so much. Monday, I had therapy. And since then, I've done nothing. Last night, I went to Starbucks to grab something with Tony, and then I sat down halfway through Silent Hill and finished watching it with him. I feel lonely during the days while Travis is asleep and even lonlier at night when he's at work. We keep fighting, and then some times things are okay. I know I should be out being productive, getting a job, etc. But these things are incredibly hard for me. For one, since I had my horrible experience at Tim Horton's in Victor, I've been kind of pushed back to square one, I feel like I shot myself in the foot. I'm depressed, lacking motivation, just generally feeling down. I've also felt like I want to go out and do some photo shoots. That's not happening, either. I feel like I have all of these ideas, and my camera still sits in it's bag.

I'm hoping what's coming up within the next two weeks will help things get better. I'll be getting another piercing, which is always healthy for me. Almost like another therapy. Piercings and tattoos are stress relievers for me. I love it. Also, next weekend, (not this coming weekend, but the weekend after that) is mine and Travis's two year anniversary! And that makes me so ecstatic. As much as things have been rocky recently, as we come closer and closer to the 17th, I'm constantly reminded about how much I love him, despite what's going on. I know a lot of the problems we endure have a lot to do with me and what I'm going through. It's hard enough not having a job, and not talking to my mom all the time and being at Trav's constantly. Not to mention, I'm a total handful. But I know things are getting better, and I'm super excited for what's coming up.

I also plan on doing photo shoots with some other people coming up. I know my poor camera (George) has been tucked away for far too long, and I feel like I need to go wander with my camera again. But I plan on doing some photo shoots with Brad and Sam, maybe. And I'd love to do one with Trevor, and countless other things! Talking about these things even makes me feel better. I'm learning that B.A.T. (Behavioral Activation Therapy) does work, and I have to have my head teach my hand. I think? It's one of those expressions. But I know I'm doing better.