Being mentally stable has given me the confidence to well... almost take over the world. Almost. I've got the knowledge to do more than I ever have before. I've found myself patient with college searching, doing my research, wanting to visit colleges. I've also noticed a change in how I feel about losing weight. While I was watching The Biggest Loser last night, I started to think about how I can do it. And I have the knowledge to know that it's going to take a long time, and it's going to take hard work. But I'm beyond proud of myself for being able to think rationally, though I haven't been feeling too well :( But it's okay, I'm one step ahead of the game...and ahead of how I used to be.

Not to mention, I've gotten a job. A job I think I may be able to handle. Although, I have unfortunately realized that retail is not for me. But that's okay, it's bringing me one step closer to getting to college by getting out of debt. I'm so happy. And so proud of myself.

"Magic Man" is playing on the TV.
I'm going to make pancakes.

I'm reeeeeally, really, reeeeeeeeally nervous about starting work today.
But I'm trying not to show it.

Tummy ache.
Anxiety.



I really, REALLY want to be alone right now.
(Which I am)
But I also want to be everywhere at once.
Bollocks.

I CAN'T SIT STILL.

Hating yourself is the hardest thing to deal with in life.
I feel heartbroken. Blistered.

Things on my mind:

I need new glasses. Badly. I'm starting to not be able to go without them.

I'm having horrible side effects from my medication including dizziness, coordination problems, blurred vision, tingling in hands and feet, vertigo, confusion, memory loss and swelling of limbs.

I need to find a job. I'm working on it.

I feel as though I'm ready to go back to school, and I've started to look for colleges. But I think I need to work in the mean time.

I haven't been feeling well. In the past like week and a half, I've consumed 50+ pieces of pizza, and my body hates me. It's time to get this weight off.

I'm attempting (really, REALLY attempting) not to overwhelm myself. I'm trying not to take over the world all at once. And it's hard.

My tummy hurts.

I'm just trying to make everything right.
Unfortunately, it's giving me anxiety.


I want to conquer the world tonight.

I feel so good today.
♥

I'm really distraught tonight.
Mine and Trav's two year anniversary is Sunday. Tomorrow we're going out to spend time together, going out to Buffalo to eat, maybe Dave and Buster's, and to hit up a couple of haunted houses. But I've been thinking tonight about how I had lost my ring that said "I Love Travis." On the inside it had the date we got together, and I lost it.

I got angry one day, took it off, and threw it in Travis's room. And I lost it. I feel like it was a metaphor for our relationship. Things went very much so downhill from there, up until recently. Since I've realized that our relationship is coming to such a fantastic milestone, I unconditionally want things to get better. In each of my relationships, we only made it slightly past our two year. We fell apart first by the 10th month. I'm not so sure that happened, we fell apart... last November. But I try incredibly hard not to think about that, though it does happen almost each and every day. I want to move beyond that with Travis. He's been so fantastic and so lovey lately, and it's made me re-realize how madly in love I am with him.

Tomorrow is truly going to be fantastic. I can feel it.

I think the universe listens too well to me. I was talking with Chris yesterday, and we were talking about our relationship, that I don't remember much of. Or I like to pretend I don't. But he said one thing that kindof made me wince. At the end of our relationship, I apparently said that regardless of my significant other, we would once again become reaquainted. Fuck, man. Not only did this happen with Chris, but with David-Shea, too. Although, I guess it was vice versa. Apparently, David-Shea said I would be back some day. And I was. The universe listens to these requests all too well, and now I'm starting to wonder. Similar to what happened the other day, I had said I didn't want to go out and do those two photo shoots I had to do Sunday. Guess what? I didn't have to - one cancelled and one stood me up. I think I need to start watching what I put out there to the universe. This shit's weird.

But, talking to Chris has been weird. Oddly, there's a little bit of a sexual urge there. However, it'll never happen. I love Travis. The end. But, I also told Chris yesterday that there will never again be anything between us. He hurt me far too bad, and I frankly just don't have feelings for him anymore. But I feel bad for the way things have been going between Travis and I. I love him so, so much... however, there's this strange thing going on. We've been a little rocky lately, so much more in past weeks than now, but the other day I almost got some kid's number at Boulder, and now the Chris thing? I understand that Travis and I have an on again/off again sexual relationship, but I love him way too much to really worry about that. I've learned that I crave way too much of a physical relationship, and that our emotional relationship means more. I've been trying to be less clingy, less cuddly. And what's funny is things have just so happened to get better. I've been happier in general. So, it looks like things are looking up.

I'd like to go back to Jersey.

Last year while I was attending SUNY Geneseo, I had the opportunity to see the Elephant Engine Highdive Revival with Buddy Wakefield, Andrea Gibson and Derrick Brown. I was 100% (Well, I originally typed 1200%, so we'll go with that) I was 1200% captivated and moved by the poetry of all three of them, and each of them reduced me to tears on multiple occasions, and I knew I had never before seen such amazing people, and I was hooked.

The other day, I was sitting around thinking about just how much I loved listening to the poetry of those three, and how mega awesome it would be if they returned to Geneseo. Lo and behold, I was ecstatic to see on Buddy's status that he at least was returning. Unfortunately, I left Geneseo last November, the end of my first (and only) semester there because my mom had a double bypass. So, I came all the way from Rochester, a good 40 minute drive, just to see you guys. And once again, I was encompassed in the most powerful thing I have ever seen. I sat there in the crowd hoping you guys never saw the tears I shed, because you guys make me realize what life is all about. Struggling with depression, thoughts of suicide, and self hate disappear for a night and I re-learn why I'm still alive. But specifically, I want to thank you. I'm fairly sure you get letters like this all the time, and there's a chance that you won't read this. But your poems, like your letter to Neil Armstrong, or just "I Like You," made me realize that there's someone out there to love me, like I can't love myself.

I know this is all useless information from some stranger, but it's made me rethink the relationship I'm in with my boyfriend and with myself. But all I'm trying to say, is thank you. And I hope to see you perform again, because you too, have changed my life.

Michael Matthew McGee October 12 at 12:50pm Report
None of this is useless, Ashley. You wrote it because you feel a connection with what me and my fellow poets have to say. We're real, regular people. Maybe we're a little more in tune with emotion and connection than most dudes, but you wrote to me because there is hope that I would connect with you beyond the stage. It is my duty to do so. We need this.

I am so deeply honored that you would reach out to me. So very much of what I do is so that strangers might see something in each other that is familiar and familial. None of us are so different from each other that we cannot connect somehow.

I am so very glad you came back to Geneseo for our show. Let's keep in touch. Thank you for your message. It means so very much to me.

Truly,
Mike McGee

Ashley Phillipps October 12 at 1:07pm
Mike, thank you so much for getting back to me. I just sat here for like 20 minutes just in total shock that you replied to me so, so quickly. And I at this point feel like I'm out of words. I just cried my eyes out to Buddy's Crowbirds at Mockingbars, and I'm just rendered speechless by all of this. I guess all I can say is thank you, again. I really, really appreciate it.

-Ashley

Michael Matthew McGee October 12 at 1:08pm Report
You are most welcome.

When you wake up in the morning and look in the mirror and realize you have nothing good to say to yourself... you know it's going to be bad.

Wirintlkjflkjsdfsdflkj

Well, that was an epic fail. I can't even spell out what I'm doing. Let alone do it. This is probably going to be another epically ridiculous post because I can't motivate myself to do anything, or to concentrate on anything at all. I, again, had another incredibly shitty day. Recently, since about therapy Monday, I've found myself in this depressed state again. Not wanting to get out of bed, wanting to do nothing but sleep, lacking motivation even though I continue to think about doing things... It's by far the worst feeling in the entire world.

It's hard going to therapy, and then later that week just falling back into your old habits. Last week was a fairly busy week. I went out a lot, hanging with the guys (Trav and Chris), having coffee with others, talking on the phone, etc. I went out a lot. This week? Not so much. Monday, I had therapy. And since then, I've done nothing. Last night, I went to Starbucks to grab something with Tony, and then I sat down halfway through Silent Hill and finished watching it with him. I feel lonely during the days while Travis is asleep and even lonlier at night when he's at work. We keep fighting, and then some times things are okay. I know I should be out being productive, getting a job, etc. But these things are incredibly hard for me. For one, since I had my horrible experience at Tim Horton's in Victor, I've been kind of pushed back to square one, I feel like I shot myself in the foot. I'm depressed, lacking motivation, just generally feeling down. I've also felt like I want to go out and do some photo shoots. That's not happening, either. I feel like I have all of these ideas, and my camera still sits in it's bag.

I'm hoping what's coming up within the next two weeks will help things get better. I'll be getting another piercing, which is always healthy for me. Almost like another therapy. Piercings and tattoos are stress relievers for me. I love it. Also, next weekend, (not this coming weekend, but the weekend after that) is mine and Travis's two year anniversary! And that makes me so ecstatic. As much as things have been rocky recently, as we come closer and closer to the 17th, I'm constantly reminded about how much I love him, despite what's going on. I know a lot of the problems we endure have a lot to do with me and what I'm going through. It's hard enough not having a job, and not talking to my mom all the time and being at Trav's constantly. Not to mention, I'm a total handful. But I know things are getting better, and I'm super excited for what's coming up.

I also plan on doing photo shoots with some other people coming up. I know my poor camera (George) has been tucked away for far too long, and I feel like I need to go wander with my camera again. But I plan on doing some photo shoots with Brad and Sam, maybe. And I'd love to do one with Trevor, and countless other things! Talking about these things even makes me feel better. I'm learning that B.A.T. (Behavioral Activation Therapy) does work, and I have to have my head teach my hand. I think? It's one of those expressions. But I know I'm doing better.

/this metal warrior princess is falling apart.

I hate this.

micky mouse hands.