I didn't bother to get dressed today, I was too busy crying.

I haven't been able to figure out why I'm so upset after last night. I'm incredibly exhausted, depressed, and longing to see Eric. I was really starting to develop feelings for that boy, and I feel like someone just reached into my chest and grabbed my heart as hard as they could and made it explode, splattering blood everywhere.

I don't blame Eric for being so mortified of my quick movements. Not to mention, Travis and I breaking up is starting to take a toll on me. I'm attempting to keep my head up, but it's being a kick in the ass to me. I want nothing more than for Eric to come over tonight and comfort me, to eat some good food, and to just sleep away the darkness.

I'm hurling crow birds at mockingbars.
It's a reason to live.

Edit.

Then as it was, then again it will be
An' though the course may change sometimes
Rivers always reach the sea
Flyin' skys of fortune, each have separate ways
On the wings of maybe, downy birds of prey
Kind of makes me feel sometimes, didn't have to go
But as the eagle leaves the nest, it's got so far to go

Changes fill my time, baby, that's alright with me
In the midst I think of you, and how it used to be

Did you ever really need somebody, And really need 'em bad
Did you ever really want somebody, The best love you ever had
Do you ever remember me, baby, did it feel so good
'Cause it was just the first time, And you knew you would

Do your eyes not sparkle, Senses growing keen
Tastin' love along the way, See your feathers preen
Kind of makes makes me feel sometimes, Didn't have to go
We are eagles of one nest, The nest is in our soul

Fixin' in my dreams with great surprise to me
Never thought I'd see your face the way it used to be
Oh darlin', oh darlin'

I'm never gonna leave you. I never gonna leave
Holdin' on, ten years gone
Ten years gone, holdin' on, ten years gone]]


It was great to hear David-Shea's voice today.

Why is self-acceptance the hardest part of life?

I get these flashes all the time in my mind about cutting myself. Still.

It's weird.

So bored.
So bored.
So bored.
So bored.
So bored.
So bored.
So bored.
So bored.
So bored.
So bored.
So bored.
Toy boat.
Toy boat.
Toy boat.
Toy boat.
Toy boat.
Toy boat.
Toy boat.
Toy boat.
Toy boat.
Toy boat.
Fuck.

I work tomorrow.
I work tomorrow.
I work tomorrow.
I work tomorrow.
I work tomorrow.
I work tomorrow.
I'm totally sick to my stomach and I'm trying incredibly hard to not to freak out, I'm nervous. I sent David-Shea a message earlier, spilling my guts about how I feel. It's driving me absolutely insane, waiting for a reply. Which, I know will probably not come until next week because it's the weekend - I understand he's busy. I know how those things go. Anne's around. But that's to be expected.

However, I feel like the worst girlfriend in the world. I love Travis, so, so much. I do, I truly do. But David-Shea "gets" me. I know that sounds so silly, but it's true. He understands my romantic wants and needs, he's met them before, well before I knew what they were. He also understands a lot of my mental problems I think more than Travis does. Travis got to the point where he was abusive because he didn't understand. And he cheated on me.

I try not to think about all that, because things are good. I swear they are, and knowing all of this, when I hear his voice, it breaks my heart. Because I feel like the worst girlfriend ever. I know I'm not doing anything near what he did to me, but it's still not fair. And I feel like I can confide in David-Shea about those things. And it's important. If nothing happens from this, it's okay. I can understand that. But I'm willing to give it a try. Besides, it's not like I'm runnin' to Jersey any time soon. But I would LOVE to go back, and cherish everything that happens, like I didn't last time. I was SO out of my mind, and it's terrible. Things were so wrong, and I don't want to crush Travis's heart. But I HAVE to tell him how I feel. I love him so much. I'm gonna go call him.

My mom's on the phone with Daryl, talking about our money situation... and it makes me really upset. My mom has been paying all of my bills while I have been out of work, and I am forever thankful for that. However, it's put us in such a situation that is very hard for me to deal with. I've dealt with "poverty" since I was little. Little food in the house, no Christmas, living paycheck to paycheck. It's normal here. But it's depressing.

I don't need this stuff any more. I'm working... I'm trying hard. But I also want to take care of myself. I want to save money, especially while I'm working. I don't know how long I'm going to be there, or even if I'm going to make it through the holidays that are left there.

Its hard to see my mom and myself go through this. I know she's hurting, and I'm trying hard enough myself to be positive and to take care of my well being. It's bad enough being home makes things incredibly negative, and I'm working so hard. I'm rambling and I can't concentrate.

Being mentally stable has given me the confidence to well... almost take over the world. Almost. I've got the knowledge to do more than I ever have before. I've found myself patient with college searching, doing my research, wanting to visit colleges. I've also noticed a change in how I feel about losing weight. While I was watching The Biggest Loser last night, I started to think about how I can do it. And I have the knowledge to know that it's going to take a long time, and it's going to take hard work. But I'm beyond proud of myself for being able to think rationally, though I haven't been feeling too well :( But it's okay, I'm one step ahead of the game...and ahead of how I used to be.

Not to mention, I've gotten a job. A job I think I may be able to handle. Although, I have unfortunately realized that retail is not for me. But that's okay, it's bringing me one step closer to getting to college by getting out of debt. I'm so happy. And so proud of myself.

"Magic Man" is playing on the TV.
I'm going to make pancakes.

I'm reeeeeally, really, reeeeeeeeally nervous about starting work today.
But I'm trying not to show it.

Tummy ache.
Anxiety.



I really, REALLY want to be alone right now.
(Which I am)
But I also want to be everywhere at once.
Bollocks.

I CAN'T SIT STILL.

Hating yourself is the hardest thing to deal with in life.
I feel heartbroken. Blistered.

Things on my mind:

I need new glasses. Badly. I'm starting to not be able to go without them.

I'm having horrible side effects from my medication including dizziness, coordination problems, blurred vision, tingling in hands and feet, vertigo, confusion, memory loss and swelling of limbs.

I need to find a job. I'm working on it.

I feel as though I'm ready to go back to school, and I've started to look for colleges. But I think I need to work in the mean time.

I haven't been feeling well. In the past like week and a half, I've consumed 50+ pieces of pizza, and my body hates me. It's time to get this weight off.

I'm attempting (really, REALLY attempting) not to overwhelm myself. I'm trying not to take over the world all at once. And it's hard.

My tummy hurts.