"I'm fragile as it is...
I always end up broken."

I spend a ton of wasted hours here, sitting behind my laptop. And I'll admit, it's frustrating. Especially when I feel this anxiety ridden and upset. I for some reason since last night, if Eric doesn't answer me, I get panicky. I don't want to be that girlfriend that needs to keep tabs on him at all times to make herself feel better... It's not fair.

But I don't know what else to do with myself when I can't concentrate on anything because I'm working myself into a panic thinking he's ignoring me. Shit sucks. And it's even more intolerable because I feel like I don't have anyone. It seems like everyone else is busy and off doing their own thing, and I can't fucking sit still! I sincerely just want out of this house, I want to go see Eric, I need reassurance and help. I would give anything to just fall asleep now, and sleep through the night. But I've recently found myself regretting taking naps, they keep me up all hours, and I'm sleeping too god damn much as it is. Earlier today I woke up around 8:30, talked to Eric, and totally fell back to sleep until 11, until I started having bad dreams. I won't talk about them any more, because it's over with. But I feel like a mess lately, and I hate that feeling. I feel disoriented and out of place.

I've never felt so happy in my entire life.

Eric is lying here next to me, sound asleep in my bed. Metallica is playing Hero of the Day on iTunes. I can't stop smiling, and I'm just so happy I could cry.

I met my new therapist today and I have a feeling that it's going to take a little while to warm up to her. She's young like Malinda, which I guess can be a good thing, she can probably identify a little bit more with what I'm going through, then. What was even more amazing is the fact that Eric came with me today. Day in and day out I'm learning more and more that that boy loves me. And it makes my world complete.

Planet earth is blue, and there's nothing I can do...

Aryeon's version of this song is pretty spectacular. I'm not a HUGE fan of the song, but I really like their version! But that's not what I'm here to write about...

I think Eric is right when he says my priorities are a little messed up. The other day we were driving to Canandaigua, and we accidentally slipped off of the road and into a ditch. It happens. I didn't have any issue with that. I felt safe, I felt like Eric knew what he was doing... We got out, no signs hit, everything was fine. But I worry about the silliest things. Like losing people. I worry about Eric cheating on me, and losing those I love close to me. Especially him.

Tonight, Travis wouldn't leave me alone. And I told him off, essentially. And then Joe got involved. This made me uncomfortable, for fears that I might lose Joe and the rest of the Buffalo crew. A big chunk of the reason why I got back with Travis after he cheated on me and we broke up was because I feared losing all of our mutual friends. I understand they were Travis's friends first, however, I also expect them to respect me and my choices. Well, tonight, Joe made me all upset. He got in mine and Trav's business, which never should have happened, and it made me reflect on the fact that I fear losing people. I got physically upset. Crying upset. But then Liz rationalized it for me - if these people do leave solely for the idea that Travis and I broke up and I moved on so quickly, then they're not really good friends. I understand that to a point. I know Joe was just sticking up for his best friend of 20 years, but it still concerns me.

One thing that doesn't concern me is people who I was never too close of friends with, like Gill. She deleted me from facebook. Big ouch there, right? Not. Don't get me wrong, she's not a bad person, but I don't think she ever liked me in the first place. Which is no big deal. Apparently there's a lot of word on the street about me not being liked, or being a bitch for moving on so quickly. And I can understand all of that. However, not everyone knows what I went through in the relationship, but a lot of people have seen how our relationship ended a very, very long time ago, before it was official. I was talking to Chris about that the other day. He agreed that our relationship had ended a long time ago and he saw it. What bothers me is the fact that no one had the courage to slap me around and tell me what was up. lol I probably wouldn't have listened any way, but I do know that Travis and I shouldn't have gotten back together when he cheated on me. But, such is life. Don't get me wrong, when things were good in our relationship, they were good. But when they were bad, they were horrid. And that's what pushed me to leave. That, and Eric. I never anticipated falling so hard for that boy. <3 And it's brought me to where I am now. I'm doing what I want for ME. And not for anyone else. I'm being a little selfish now, and it's all okay.

I have watched The Big Lebowski more times than anyone ever should in the past month.
I fucking love it, and I can't get enough.

I was the one who really tried to love you...


One down, one to go.




I think my priorities are fucked up. I think my emotional state is fucked up. I can't do this any more.





and.it.shoots.to.kill

It's not making things any easier.

I learned a lesson today.

Cater to your stomach, not to your wallet.

Today, I went out and got a sub from Wegmans. I ate half of it while I was at Wegmans, like a normal person. Thought about the idea of eating more, but I was embarrassed. I knew I should have gotten just a half any way... but I didn't.

I left the store and went home. I ate the second half. For no reason. Because I was embarrassed, I wouldn't eat it in public. And I'll be honest, I'm also hiding my eating from Eric. I don't want him to know the truth. Ugh.

I didn't bother to get dressed today, I was too busy crying.

I haven't been able to figure out why I'm so upset after last night. I'm incredibly exhausted, depressed, and longing to see Eric. I was really starting to develop feelings for that boy, and I feel like someone just reached into my chest and grabbed my heart as hard as they could and made it explode, splattering blood everywhere.

I don't blame Eric for being so mortified of my quick movements. Not to mention, Travis and I breaking up is starting to take a toll on me. I'm attempting to keep my head up, but it's being a kick in the ass to me. I want nothing more than for Eric to come over tonight and comfort me, to eat some good food, and to just sleep away the darkness.

I'm hurling crow birds at mockingbars.
It's a reason to live.

Edit.

Then as it was, then again it will be
An' though the course may change sometimes
Rivers always reach the sea
Flyin' skys of fortune, each have separate ways
On the wings of maybe, downy birds of prey
Kind of makes me feel sometimes, didn't have to go
But as the eagle leaves the nest, it's got so far to go

Changes fill my time, baby, that's alright with me
In the midst I think of you, and how it used to be

Did you ever really need somebody, And really need 'em bad
Did you ever really want somebody, The best love you ever had
Do you ever remember me, baby, did it feel so good
'Cause it was just the first time, And you knew you would

Do your eyes not sparkle, Senses growing keen
Tastin' love along the way, See your feathers preen
Kind of makes makes me feel sometimes, Didn't have to go
We are eagles of one nest, The nest is in our soul

Fixin' in my dreams with great surprise to me
Never thought I'd see your face the way it used to be
Oh darlin', oh darlin'

I'm never gonna leave you. I never gonna leave
Holdin' on, ten years gone
Ten years gone, holdin' on, ten years gone]]


It was great to hear David-Shea's voice today.

Why is self-acceptance the hardest part of life?

I get these flashes all the time in my mind about cutting myself. Still.

It's weird.

So bored.
So bored.
So bored.
So bored.
So bored.
So bored.
So bored.
So bored.
So bored.
So bored.
So bored.
Toy boat.
Toy boat.
Toy boat.
Toy boat.
Toy boat.
Toy boat.
Toy boat.
Toy boat.
Toy boat.
Toy boat.
Fuck.

I work tomorrow.
I work tomorrow.
I work tomorrow.
I work tomorrow.
I work tomorrow.
I work tomorrow.
I'm totally sick to my stomach and I'm trying incredibly hard to not to freak out, I'm nervous. I sent David-Shea a message earlier, spilling my guts about how I feel. It's driving me absolutely insane, waiting for a reply. Which, I know will probably not come until next week because it's the weekend - I understand he's busy. I know how those things go. Anne's around. But that's to be expected.

However, I feel like the worst girlfriend in the world. I love Travis, so, so much. I do, I truly do. But David-Shea "gets" me. I know that sounds so silly, but it's true. He understands my romantic wants and needs, he's met them before, well before I knew what they were. He also understands a lot of my mental problems I think more than Travis does. Travis got to the point where he was abusive because he didn't understand. And he cheated on me.

I try not to think about all that, because things are good. I swear they are, and knowing all of this, when I hear his voice, it breaks my heart. Because I feel like the worst girlfriend ever. I know I'm not doing anything near what he did to me, but it's still not fair. And I feel like I can confide in David-Shea about those things. And it's important. If nothing happens from this, it's okay. I can understand that. But I'm willing to give it a try. Besides, it's not like I'm runnin' to Jersey any time soon. But I would LOVE to go back, and cherish everything that happens, like I didn't last time. I was SO out of my mind, and it's terrible. Things were so wrong, and I don't want to crush Travis's heart. But I HAVE to tell him how I feel. I love him so much. I'm gonna go call him.