I can't hear it over the fan. The rain that is.
I'm listening to Christina Perri's "Jar of Hearts," and reminiscing. though I've seemed to move on with Derek, it still doesn't stop the hurt.

"I learned to live half a life,
And now you want me one more time..."

I know we'll never be together again, and I'm okay with that.

"And who do you think you are?
Running around leaving scars..."

But it doesn't make the hurt any less. I never even hurt this bad when Travis and I split.... Don't get me wrong, Derek makes me incredibly happy... but you've become the lowest of the low... on my list, at least. I know it's best for us to not talk, to not be friends, but it again doesn't make the hurt any less.

Each and every day I dread what I've become. But what makes matters even worse is I don't know how to control it. I feel like I'm spiraling downward with my attitude, my weight, my eating... I've been binging horribly lately, and it's getting unhealthy. I don't know what else to do any more. I feel like I have no remorse when it comes to food. I've been stuffing myself uncontrollably, and it's becoming disgusting, degrading, embarrassing and incredibly hard to deal with.

I keep thinking about how much better off I was while I was in college. Yeah, I was still heavy, but I was a hell of a lot smaller than I am now. I was a little bit more active, I had more people to occupy my time with, and I had a hell of a lot more to do. Now, I have nothing. Nothing but a plethora of emotions I don't know how to deal with. No car, no group of friends, nothing but rain... It makes for a near impossible improvement.

What's upset me most lately is the fact that those I felt as though were my good friends, I feel like they're no longer there for me or to help support me. Lauren and I got into a fight, Liz won't answer my texts... and I feel lost. It was rejuvenating to see Carolyn again the other night. To know that she still cares. I just feel like I've lost a lot of what I used to have. I feel out of control and like there's nothing that can be done about it.

I missed therapy this week, and I realized just how important it is for me to go to therapy. Even if nothing's going on. Talk therapy has helped me with a lot, it helps me rationalize what's going on around me in life.

But now it's time for the next step, and I don't quite yet know what it is

I regret us ever being together.
I truly think I do.











Baby, I might lose my mind
Maybe I might lose my head
One thing I gotta do
Is torch those sheets and pillows too
Baby, I'm burning out bed

Say your love is strong and true
Let her know all she meant to you
Show her she's that special one
Who shines in your eyes like the rising sun
Give love less room to grow
Treat her tender and you will know
The secret to the treasures of heaven
In the heart of a woman
♥

21st birthday = amazing.
I'm kinda smitten tonight.

I ask you if it's storming where you are, just to make conversation.
It's storming here, in the heartland. If you get what I mean.
I can never stop griping about what happened to us, because it hurts.
I talk about it all the time, mostly here. But it's common.
It's common, and it hurts.

I still can't believe how much it hurts some times. And it all doesn't make sense. I've never fallen for anyone as hard as I fell for you. And to have that ripped out from under me after all of those promises you made. It's hard to cope with. Especially on nights like this, where I want you. I want nothing more than to love you....

We stood there with our backs to the wall,
The guns shot above our heads.
And to the witches they said
They said nothing at all.
-------------------------------------------------
The old man stands
With blood on his hands
The blood of his wife.

We slow danced to Alice in Chains.
(Some how)
And you told me we'd need to get used to this - we'd be doing it at our wedding.
(What happened to you?)
What happened to this?
(You never loved me, did you?)

So this is what it's like to feel good again. :)
I woke up with a smile on my face, a totally windy and rainy day, and I'm beyond content. And it's showing like some sort of manic phase. I'm talking to my friend Will about all of this, and I'm reflecting upon what mania used to be like for me.. how impulsive I was, how I was constantly spending money, and how I went on my little trip to NJ, and fucked myself over. Oh man, the past year has been incredibly insane.

But I feel okay today, and I almost have forgotten what it's like to just be content. I'm not worried or bothered by thoughts of Eric, or thoughts of Travis, or negative impacts of what happened between Jeremy and I yesterday. :) It all just seems okay and low-key. Which is what I keep talking about during therapy, how things seem to have gotten better and how I feel a little bit more stable.

I also suck at this whole blogging thing. I lose my concentration and I give up. lol

The first night we were together you told me you loved me.
And I felt it then. I had fallen head over heels in love with you.
The second I saw you.
And now, all you have for me is to tell me that I need to get over it.
That you're with someone else, and going to have children.
What in the world was wrong with you while you were with me?
What in the fuck is wrong with you now?

Even though I'm distracting myself, I still hope some day the angels will carry you to me again.

I wake up in the basement I'm so hungry I'm dry
I must be here sleepwalking mustn't I
Getting up from my easy chair looking for my wife
Following a trial of crimson spots that lead into the night
Suddenly I realize I see it all through real eyes
These crimson spots are dripping from my hand
And oh it makes me feel like a man.

I'm dying for attention, and I think it's showing.






Every time I think of you, I get thunder and grey skies.

I decided not to give up today.

You'll feel beautiful soon.
I promise.