I just did some self reflection sitting here in Mrs. Berger's room, and I'm like ready to cry. It's not about how horrible I feel about myself for once. It's all about college. Again. Any time I end up here at HCS, I end up reflecting about college. It's bad enough I get it shoved in my face at home.

"We wanna see you go back to school."
"You need to go back to school."
"When are you going back to school?"
"Have you thought about going back to school?"
BE PATIENT WITH ME. That's all I want to do is scream that at them. No one is ever patient with me. Travis, Eric, my parents. Hell, myself. I'm not patient with anything. And I proved that to myself with Chazz. I found something that could have been beneficial, and totally amazing... and I think I threw it away. Lauren says chalk it up to the fact that he's something I probably shouldn't say while I'm here at school.... but, maybe it was me. I think it is me. And that's fine, I have a lot of learning to do. A LOT. And Travis is right. I need to take a break from a lot of things. Dating especially. It was a bit of a mistake to go see Chazz. I got excited, because he was amazing and gorgeous. Too good to be true? I think so.

However, I'm trying to convince myself that it wasn't a waste of time. Truthfully, I don't think it was a waste of time. It was an adventure, and I had fun while I was at it. I just... push too hard. And I pushed him away. That sucks. Oh well, the kisses were amazing ;)

But it is time to take a break. And focus on Ashley. Something else I've been struggling with, is focusing on myself. I feel as though I've become a monster. And the reason why I say that is because I'm out of control. I've gained weight, I've lost patience, and I've lost track and faith in myself. I'm not in school, I'm not exercising, I'm not eating right, I'm not... doing anything at all. I am, however, working. That's a step up. I'm nervous about losing my job, though. I was sick for two days last week, and I went home early. :( I felt like I was going to pass out. But I'm afraid that puts me in jeopardy. If it does, it does. I'll find another job. I will say it's difficult, though. My job isn't mentally stimulating and becomes difficult, monotonous and ridiculous. I say ridiculous because I do nothing but fold clothes for 4 hours. Which is why I'm glad I'm only part time and don't really work too much. But I'm thankful that I have these 4 days off. It's going to help me relax a little and feel better.

However, being here has made me kinda feel dumb. haha. Mrs. Berger's class is reviewing possessives and plural possessives. And it's been challenging for me to wrap my head around. lol I keep swearing it's my medication. I feel like I've lost all knowledge, all creativity. I talked with my therapist about that the other day, though. She says a lot of people experience that. I also feel like I've lost my will to get up and do things. And that's really sad. :( Like today, I wanted to go out and take pictures, but I feel so... uninspired. And on top of that, I want a salad. One of the students just mentioned caesar salad. It sounds delicious. But any way, I'm rambling at this point... but it's pretty sweet that this is the longest blog entry I've done thus far. I was going to bring my journal with me today, but that didn't work. I just wanted out of the house. It's a good place to be, here at HCS, even though it makes me reflect upon myself.