Don't know why I'm down here/Must be somethin' I said.

I was wandering around Stumbleupon.com, and I saw an ad for Blogspot, so I figured I'd take some time to do some actual thinking and reflecting here. Things have been really busy lately. This week at least! Sunday I went and saw Tom. Monday I worked. Tuesday I had therapy, came home and overhauled my whole room, went and took pics of Lauren, and spent the night with her and Ian at her client's house. We were up until 2 AM giggling like crazyyy, and finally today I'm hangin' out for a little while and going back with Lauren to go on some of her dog walks, do some more photographing, and back to the client's house. And then tomorrow Lauren, Ian and I are going to go out and do more photo shoots, and Friday I work and I get to see Liz, and finally on Saturday is Mandy and Zach's wedding. AHH!

Busy, busy, busy! Which in the long run is super beneficial to me, though I'm sleep deprived. My therapist and I were talking about a plethora of things yesterday, and one of them she brought up (not to be a downer) but she asked about me cutting, and if I was having thoughts of it. And come to think of it, I've been way too busy to even have my mind process those thoughts. It's like I forget about it when there's nothing bad going on. Which, in theory is good, and does make total sense because it IS a coping mechanism. So staying busy has it's upsides. However, I've had plenty of time to do some thinking.

Yesterday I made this picture:


















I took the picture with me with my fishnets on and I thought it looked oddly familiar. Fortunately enough, my 300+ pictures on my PhotoBooth didn't fail me, and I found the one from 2008. I can't believe how much I've changed. Or for that matter, how much weight I've gained which has lead me to do a ton of thinking. I mentioned to my therapist yesterday how out of control my binge eating has gotten. It hasn't been incredibly horrible, but I've been trying to sort out my feelings about eating. I've been binging a lot more because I've been working, and I have this nasty habit of not eating for 5+ hours, and coming home and pigging out. And today I realized I was just binge eating because I didn't eat much of anything around Lauren and Ian. (Haha, I almost wrote Ean.) I don't eat around people because I'm embarrassed, so my body decides that when I'm alone, it's time to eat because it's hungry and I eat everything in sight. And the whole thought is embarrassing. Everyone around me seems to be losing weight, and I've gained so much to the point I've learned to hate my body again. Even just looking at the picture I'm disgusted, because you can even see the difference in my hands. It's just gross. Don't get me wrong, I've never been a healthy person, like in that picture, I was probably around 260ish pounds? It shows how much of a difference 50+ lbs can make. And it's an upsetting one.

It's bad enough I struggle day in and day out with finding out who I am, what I'm doing with my life, etc. But to have to hate myself all at the same time? It's upsetting and rather hard to deal with. Everyone who I've shown that picture to tells me I look better now, but I disagree. I know this isn't the Ashley I want to be.