You have this scar on your chest, that you told me was from you breaking a hot lightbulb and scarring yourself. I remember lying here, each night that you were here and holding you close to me, rubbing your chest around that scar.

I love you, and I'm so tired of fighting for it. It hurts. It hurts to wake up knowing you're not there, it hurts to wake up each morning sick to my stomach, knowing I may never get to be with you again. Unsure what's making me ill, and being scared. I'm so tired of crying, it's so hard. I'm tired of feeling guilty for wanting to run, but what I'm really running away from is the hurt.

After hearing that Eric and I might get to see one another on Tuesday, I've done nothing but think about him and how much I miss him. I might be trying to talk to Mark more and all, but nothing hides the love I still have for Eric. I miss that boy SO much, and it hurts me SO much to be like this. I've been trying to take my own advice since Caleb and Lindsay broke up and I've been trying to advise her, but it doesn't always work.

I just feel guilty and confused lately, though. I feel guilty for even talking to Mark, and yet, I'm confused because I guess I just don't know what Eric wants any more. I want that boy more than anything, and I want everything to be perfect again and for us to live our happy little lives for once... I just wish karma would get off of my back. Apparently I'm being punished for the way I treated Travis, and I do believe I deserved it. But it doesn't stop it from hurting. I hurt less, but I miss Eric more. :( Especially on nights like tonight when I'm incredibly cold and tired, all I want is to fall asleep in his arms. Sigh. I love that boy so much.

Compassion –noun
1.a feeling of deep sympathy and sorrow for another who is stricken by misfortune, accompanied by a strong desire to alleviate the suffering.

I'm so fucking in love with you I can't stand it.

I was never "unhappy" with Travis. I was just... there were times where I was hurt, and the hurting wasn't always something everyone else saw. Travis didn't hurt me physically, but more emotionally. He taunted me frequently about my mental problems, to the point where he got almost abusive about it. He also in a way made things incredibly difficult for me to lose weight, he never supported me, and it was always shoved in my face his motto of "If she ain't 280, she ain't a lady." Just even thinking about that saying makes me cringe. It hurt a lot to know that I didn't have a boyfriend who understood my mental issues, and who also didn't understand how much I was hurting by not having any support to lose weight. What's even more hurtful is that apparently everyone else thinks I'm a "mess," but no one ever bothered to care enough to say something to my face. I just wish one person would have stood up with their concerns and brought it to my attention. What's even more degrading is the idea that once Travis and I broke up, everyone seems to be giving me the cold shoulder. I understand that they were Trav's friends first, that's totally fine! But they also 'pretended' to be my friends, too. I wish they all had the same idea that Chris had, the idea that I didn't break up with THEM. I broke up with Travis.

All of this was all just floating through my head this morning because I was just talking to Lindsay. I'll be honest, we had our falling outs, but I do miss her. I miss a lot of people lately. And with all of my depression I've been trying to make amends with a lot of people I've lost contact with. Hell, even my co-workers at Tim Horton's. I stopped to see Shannon! the other day. And since then, I've been talking to her more, she's become a little part of my support system and I am forever grateful for those who haven't abandoned me 'in my darkest hour.' It's important to know who my friends are, and I think it's also important that I maintain a positive relationship with them all and thank them all.

This seems like an awful lot of stuff on my brain, I think I'm done writing and need to veg out again. Maybe a take a shower...

I feel like stealing people's words right now.
And I'm too lazy to get out my actual journal.
I feel lonely.
And upset.
And I miss Eric horribly.
Talking to this Mark kid makes me kinda happy.
I'm a fucking mess.

Are we doing alright in old L.A. tonight?

I'm evaluating how much time in my life has been wasted sitting behind this computer. I was just thinking about this kid, who attends school and works. I saw him online on facebook all day yesterday, assuming he was at work. Today, he hasn't been on - he's been at school. What have I done today? I've sat around, not working, not going to school, and sitting on Facebook.

Granted, Eric and I talked things out today. He again clarified that he left me because he didn't want to end up hurting me. He also admitted that he did love me, but had to stop that love in order to not hurt me. As silly as that sounds, I understand. He wants time to himself, time to be single and work on his life. It's okay. But I wanted to know that our relationship wasn't just based on sex. Daniel unfortunately got that idea in my mind, but now, I know it's not true. <3 I do love Eric, but it apparently just wasn't meant to be. At least not right now, but I'm not giving up on the future. For now, Ashley needs to figure out Ashley, and what she's doing with her life. Unfortunately, that's a lot more difficult than I ever anticipated.

I'm starting to discover that I think I know what I want. I have ambitions to go back to school, but I'm scared. I have a dream of losing weight, but I'm scared. I feel like I'm wasting a lot of time just sitting around, but I validate my ideas simply by the fact that it is winter. There's not a lot of give, it's a depressing time of year, which doesn't make anything any easier. There's no motivation, no want, no hope. And I was feeling hopeless and helpless the other day because of it. But I'm getting up one step at a time, like Friday, I'm going with Nichole to RIT. :]

It's a new step, one step closer to getting to school. The next step seems to be going to find out more about financial processes, and what comes next. I have a lot of decisions to make, and I'm feeling rather lost, actually. I have no guidance, and I need all the help I can get. But everything seems to be looking a little brighter. I'm doing alright, in old L.A. Tonight...

"I'm fragile as it is...
I always end up broken."

I spend a ton of wasted hours here, sitting behind my laptop. And I'll admit, it's frustrating. Especially when I feel this anxiety ridden and upset. I for some reason since last night, if Eric doesn't answer me, I get panicky. I don't want to be that girlfriend that needs to keep tabs on him at all times to make herself feel better... It's not fair.

But I don't know what else to do with myself when I can't concentrate on anything because I'm working myself into a panic thinking he's ignoring me. Shit sucks. And it's even more intolerable because I feel like I don't have anyone. It seems like everyone else is busy and off doing their own thing, and I can't fucking sit still! I sincerely just want out of this house, I want to go see Eric, I need reassurance and help. I would give anything to just fall asleep now, and sleep through the night. But I've recently found myself regretting taking naps, they keep me up all hours, and I'm sleeping too god damn much as it is. Earlier today I woke up around 8:30, talked to Eric, and totally fell back to sleep until 11, until I started having bad dreams. I won't talk about them any more, because it's over with. But I feel like a mess lately, and I hate that feeling. I feel disoriented and out of place.

I've never felt so happy in my entire life.

Eric is lying here next to me, sound asleep in my bed. Metallica is playing Hero of the Day on iTunes. I can't stop smiling, and I'm just so happy I could cry.

I met my new therapist today and I have a feeling that it's going to take a little while to warm up to her. She's young like Malinda, which I guess can be a good thing, she can probably identify a little bit more with what I'm going through, then. What was even more amazing is the fact that Eric came with me today. Day in and day out I'm learning more and more that that boy loves me. And it makes my world complete.

Planet earth is blue, and there's nothing I can do...

Aryeon's version of this song is pretty spectacular. I'm not a HUGE fan of the song, but I really like their version! But that's not what I'm here to write about...

I think Eric is right when he says my priorities are a little messed up. The other day we were driving to Canandaigua, and we accidentally slipped off of the road and into a ditch. It happens. I didn't have any issue with that. I felt safe, I felt like Eric knew what he was doing... We got out, no signs hit, everything was fine. But I worry about the silliest things. Like losing people. I worry about Eric cheating on me, and losing those I love close to me. Especially him.

Tonight, Travis wouldn't leave me alone. And I told him off, essentially. And then Joe got involved. This made me uncomfortable, for fears that I might lose Joe and the rest of the Buffalo crew. A big chunk of the reason why I got back with Travis after he cheated on me and we broke up was because I feared losing all of our mutual friends. I understand they were Travis's friends first, however, I also expect them to respect me and my choices. Well, tonight, Joe made me all upset. He got in mine and Trav's business, which never should have happened, and it made me reflect on the fact that I fear losing people. I got physically upset. Crying upset. But then Liz rationalized it for me - if these people do leave solely for the idea that Travis and I broke up and I moved on so quickly, then they're not really good friends. I understand that to a point. I know Joe was just sticking up for his best friend of 20 years, but it still concerns me.

One thing that doesn't concern me is people who I was never too close of friends with, like Gill. She deleted me from facebook. Big ouch there, right? Not. Don't get me wrong, she's not a bad person, but I don't think she ever liked me in the first place. Which is no big deal. Apparently there's a lot of word on the street about me not being liked, or being a bitch for moving on so quickly. And I can understand all of that. However, not everyone knows what I went through in the relationship, but a lot of people have seen how our relationship ended a very, very long time ago, before it was official. I was talking to Chris about that the other day. He agreed that our relationship had ended a long time ago and he saw it. What bothers me is the fact that no one had the courage to slap me around and tell me what was up. lol I probably wouldn't have listened any way, but I do know that Travis and I shouldn't have gotten back together when he cheated on me. But, such is life. Don't get me wrong, when things were good in our relationship, they were good. But when they were bad, they were horrid. And that's what pushed me to leave. That, and Eric. I never anticipated falling so hard for that boy. <3 And it's brought me to where I am now. I'm doing what I want for ME. And not for anyone else. I'm being a little selfish now, and it's all okay.

I have watched The Big Lebowski more times than anyone ever should in the past month.
I fucking love it, and I can't get enough.

I was the one who really tried to love you...


One down, one to go.




I think my priorities are fucked up. I think my emotional state is fucked up. I can't do this any more.





and.it.shoots.to.kill

It's not making things any easier.

I learned a lesson today.

Cater to your stomach, not to your wallet.

Today, I went out and got a sub from Wegmans. I ate half of it while I was at Wegmans, like a normal person. Thought about the idea of eating more, but I was embarrassed. I knew I should have gotten just a half any way... but I didn't.

I left the store and went home. I ate the second half. For no reason. Because I was embarrassed, I wouldn't eat it in public. And I'll be honest, I'm also hiding my eating from Eric. I don't want him to know the truth. Ugh.