So, I muffed up my FAFSA a little bit, made a tiny little mistake. And it's kinda got me overwhelmed. I'm afraid I made more mistakes, because I feel as though I rushed through it, and I'm all in an anxiety uproar. I think it's that emotional mind/irrational mind talking (as I spill broth all over myself...way to go). What's even more upsetting is I had to cancel my therapy appointment yesterday due to having to go to the Doctor's. Which makes me wonder if Ana has anything available for this coming few days. Let me call and find out. Hm... after the hiccups go away....

There, call made. I'm not even so sure what my point in blogging was. The anxiety has lifted. I guess I'm okay now. :)

Boy, you can stick around!

I woke up early this morning again next to Derek. It makes me happy. I was up around 6:30, or at least that's when the first alarm went off. I've got a bad habit of pressing the snooze button a few times, but it didn't matter this morning. I didn't have to get up and shower, I didn't have to rush to have breakfast and get out the door. I was able to snuggle in bed with Derek even though he didn't sleep last night. It was nice. We got up, got our shit together and everything seemed okay. Until we got on the topic of my future.

Derek tried to tell me this morning that I'm not going to be rich, I'm not going to make lots of money, and he's going to take care of me. Frankly, the thought is nice, but I'm tired of everyone bringing me down. This isn't the first time it's happened recently. The other day, Daniel and I were talking about me going back to school and what my future holds, and he blatantly told me he doesn't think I'm going to own my own studio and be successful. For one, what a crock. For two, how fucking low do you have to be to tell someone that? And Derek made a similar comment this morning... As stated previously, he told me that I wasn't going to make a lot of money, and I wasn't going to be able to support myself and live comfortably. For one, what a crock again. And for two, so much for my boyfriend believing in me. It's incredibly hurtful. I'm tired of having all of these people tearing my dreams apart. And because of that, I won't let it happen.

It's really sad when the only person who ever tells you he believes in you is your ex boyfriend. Travis is truly the only one who has ever told me he believed in me and still does. And this encompasses the whole feeling I have:



Travis showed me that song so, so long ago when we first got together. And it means the world to me, because he believes in me. And according to Rocky, "nothing is real if you don't believe in who you are." Some times, I don't know who I am, but I know my dreams are real. And I'm going to be successful some day, and I think that day starts today. It's hard grasping the concept of taking life one day at a time, and it's something my old therapist Malinda and I talked about a lot. Just letting things go and living day by day. And I'm learning more and more to do that now. I'm proud of myself.

travel the universe.

I have so much on my mind I feel like it's kinda spinning out of control. I haven't felt this way in a while, but it's getting fairly frustrating. A lot of it has to do with mine and Derek's 'relationship.' Now, I put that in quotes because I still don't know where we stand, I'm assuming we're together, because I think we are, but a part of me doesn't want to be. I'm still influenced on that decision by school and the like, and it's confusing. That's most of what's weighing on my mind.

On top of that there's my weight, it's been floating around my mind lately. I actually the other day chose my meal plan, and I went with the All Debit meal plan, mostly because you have the option to buy more 'grocery' like foods, and since I normally eat 3 meals per day, it makes it a little more convenient to have a bigger plan. And a bigger plan to me means more salads :P

I just wish my eating habits at home were a little bit better. With the way food has been, it's rough. I've been trying to eat as much as possible of things like the watermelon or the cantaloupe we've been getting. But it all only lasts so long. But it's progress, since we haven't had ANY food in the house recently. I was particularly stoked the other day when I was able to go out and get groceries after working for April's parents. It felt good to work again, I did miss it, I particularly miss having structure in my life. But what I'm TOTALLY stoked about is as of next weekend, Roseland Water Park is going to be my LIFE. Which means I'll be out of the house more, and doing more, and sitting in the sun having fun, and and and yeah. I'm so, so excited. I'll also be eating less. That's a big plus. Sigh.

I gotta do somethin'.

WHY IS IT EVERY TIME I CLOSE MY EYES, YOU'RE THERE? WHY IS IT EVERY TIME I CLOSE MY EYES, YOU'RE THERE? WHY IS IT EVERY TIME I CLOSE MY EYES, YOU'RE THERE? WHY IS IT EVERY TIME I CLOSE MY EYES, YOU'RE THERE? WHY IS IT EVERY TIME I CLOSE MY EYES, YOU'RE THERE? WHY IS IT EVERY TIME I CLOSE MY EYES, YOU'RE THERE? WHY IS IT EVERY TIME I CLOSE MY EYES, YOU'RE THERE? WHY IS IT EVERY TIME I CLOSE MY EYES, YOU'RE THERE? WHY IS IT EVERY TIME I CLOSE MY EYES, YOU'RE THERE? WHY IS IT EVERY TIME I CLOSE MY EYES, YOU'RE THERE? WHY IS IT EVERY TIME I CLOSE MY EYES, YOU'RE THERE? WHY IS IT EVERY TIME I CLOSE MY EYES, YOU'RE THERE? WHY IS IT EVERY TIME I CLOSE MY EYES, YOU'RE THERE? WHY IS IT EVERY TIME I CLOSE MY EYES, YOU'RE THERE? WHY IS IT EVERY TIME I CLOSE MY EYES, YOU'RE THERE? WHY IS IT EVERY TIME I CLOSE MY EYES, YOU'RE THERE? WHY IS IT EVERY TIME I CLOSE MY EYES, YOU'RE THERE?

You'll fall in love with yourself sooner than later.

I know what I want out of life and this isn't it.

What if it's time?

It's been a while.
But my paranoia kicked in this morning.
Not to mention, I wanna spend every waking moment with you.
:)

I woke up this morning about an hour earlier than I was supposed to with that fear that I couldn't find my cell phone, I wouldn't hear my alarm, and that I'd be late to getting Lauren and to therapy. So, I woke up, spent a teeny little bit of time with Mark, and now I'm bloggin' away.

What's funny is Derek is still asleep, but I very, very badly want to wake him up. It's early mornings that make me feel alive, and I want to experience that with him. I know we didn't go to bed too early last night, and I could probably use some coffee, but I totally want to snuggle.

I can't hear it over the fan. The rain that is.
I'm listening to Christina Perri's "Jar of Hearts," and reminiscing. though I've seemed to move on with Derek, it still doesn't stop the hurt.

"I learned to live half a life,
And now you want me one more time..."

I know we'll never be together again, and I'm okay with that.

"And who do you think you are?
Running around leaving scars..."

But it doesn't make the hurt any less. I never even hurt this bad when Travis and I split.... Don't get me wrong, Derek makes me incredibly happy... but you've become the lowest of the low... on my list, at least. I know it's best for us to not talk, to not be friends, but it again doesn't make the hurt any less.

Each and every day I dread what I've become. But what makes matters even worse is I don't know how to control it. I feel like I'm spiraling downward with my attitude, my weight, my eating... I've been binging horribly lately, and it's getting unhealthy. I don't know what else to do any more. I feel like I have no remorse when it comes to food. I've been stuffing myself uncontrollably, and it's becoming disgusting, degrading, embarrassing and incredibly hard to deal with.

I keep thinking about how much better off I was while I was in college. Yeah, I was still heavy, but I was a hell of a lot smaller than I am now. I was a little bit more active, I had more people to occupy my time with, and I had a hell of a lot more to do. Now, I have nothing. Nothing but a plethora of emotions I don't know how to deal with. No car, no group of friends, nothing but rain... It makes for a near impossible improvement.

What's upset me most lately is the fact that those I felt as though were my good friends, I feel like they're no longer there for me or to help support me. Lauren and I got into a fight, Liz won't answer my texts... and I feel lost. It was rejuvenating to see Carolyn again the other night. To know that she still cares. I just feel like I've lost a lot of what I used to have. I feel out of control and like there's nothing that can be done about it.

I missed therapy this week, and I realized just how important it is for me to go to therapy. Even if nothing's going on. Talk therapy has helped me with a lot, it helps me rationalize what's going on around me in life.

But now it's time for the next step, and I don't quite yet know what it is

I regret us ever being together.
I truly think I do.











Baby, I might lose my mind
Maybe I might lose my head
One thing I gotta do
Is torch those sheets and pillows too
Baby, I'm burning out bed

Say your love is strong and true
Let her know all she meant to you
Show her she's that special one
Who shines in your eyes like the rising sun
Give love less room to grow
Treat her tender and you will know
The secret to the treasures of heaven
In the heart of a woman
♥

21st birthday = amazing.
I'm kinda smitten tonight.

I ask you if it's storming where you are, just to make conversation.
It's storming here, in the heartland. If you get what I mean.
I can never stop griping about what happened to us, because it hurts.
I talk about it all the time, mostly here. But it's common.
It's common, and it hurts.

I still can't believe how much it hurts some times. And it all doesn't make sense. I've never fallen for anyone as hard as I fell for you. And to have that ripped out from under me after all of those promises you made. It's hard to cope with. Especially on nights like this, where I want you. I want nothing more than to love you....

We stood there with our backs to the wall,
The guns shot above our heads.
And to the witches they said
They said nothing at all.
-------------------------------------------------
The old man stands
With blood on his hands
The blood of his wife.