Things on my mind:

I need new glasses. Badly. I'm starting to not be able to go without them.

I'm having horrible side effects from my medication including dizziness, coordination problems, blurred vision, tingling in hands and feet, vertigo, confusion, memory loss and swelling of limbs.

I need to find a job. I'm working on it.

I feel as though I'm ready to go back to school, and I've started to look for colleges. But I think I need to work in the mean time.

I haven't been feeling well. In the past like week and a half, I've consumed 50+ pieces of pizza, and my body hates me. It's time to get this weight off.

I'm attempting (really, REALLY attempting) not to overwhelm myself. I'm trying not to take over the world all at once. And it's hard.

My tummy hurts.

I'm just trying to make everything right.
Unfortunately, it's giving me anxiety.


I want to conquer the world tonight.

I feel so good today.
♥

I'm really distraught tonight.
Mine and Trav's two year anniversary is Sunday. Tomorrow we're going out to spend time together, going out to Buffalo to eat, maybe Dave and Buster's, and to hit up a couple of haunted houses. But I've been thinking tonight about how I had lost my ring that said "I Love Travis." On the inside it had the date we got together, and I lost it.

I got angry one day, took it off, and threw it in Travis's room. And I lost it. I feel like it was a metaphor for our relationship. Things went very much so downhill from there, up until recently. Since I've realized that our relationship is coming to such a fantastic milestone, I unconditionally want things to get better. In each of my relationships, we only made it slightly past our two year. We fell apart first by the 10th month. I'm not so sure that happened, we fell apart... last November. But I try incredibly hard not to think about that, though it does happen almost each and every day. I want to move beyond that with Travis. He's been so fantastic and so lovey lately, and it's made me re-realize how madly in love I am with him.

Tomorrow is truly going to be fantastic. I can feel it.

I think the universe listens too well to me. I was talking with Chris yesterday, and we were talking about our relationship, that I don't remember much of. Or I like to pretend I don't. But he said one thing that kindof made me wince. At the end of our relationship, I apparently said that regardless of my significant other, we would once again become reaquainted. Fuck, man. Not only did this happen with Chris, but with David-Shea, too. Although, I guess it was vice versa. Apparently, David-Shea said I would be back some day. And I was. The universe listens to these requests all too well, and now I'm starting to wonder. Similar to what happened the other day, I had said I didn't want to go out and do those two photo shoots I had to do Sunday. Guess what? I didn't have to - one cancelled and one stood me up. I think I need to start watching what I put out there to the universe. This shit's weird.

But, talking to Chris has been weird. Oddly, there's a little bit of a sexual urge there. However, it'll never happen. I love Travis. The end. But, I also told Chris yesterday that there will never again be anything between us. He hurt me far too bad, and I frankly just don't have feelings for him anymore. But I feel bad for the way things have been going between Travis and I. I love him so, so much... however, there's this strange thing going on. We've been a little rocky lately, so much more in past weeks than now, but the other day I almost got some kid's number at Boulder, and now the Chris thing? I understand that Travis and I have an on again/off again sexual relationship, but I love him way too much to really worry about that. I've learned that I crave way too much of a physical relationship, and that our emotional relationship means more. I've been trying to be less clingy, less cuddly. And what's funny is things have just so happened to get better. I've been happier in general. So, it looks like things are looking up.

I'd like to go back to Jersey.

Last year while I was attending SUNY Geneseo, I had the opportunity to see the Elephant Engine Highdive Revival with Buddy Wakefield, Andrea Gibson and Derrick Brown. I was 100% (Well, I originally typed 1200%, so we'll go with that) I was 1200% captivated and moved by the poetry of all three of them, and each of them reduced me to tears on multiple occasions, and I knew I had never before seen such amazing people, and I was hooked.

The other day, I was sitting around thinking about just how much I loved listening to the poetry of those three, and how mega awesome it would be if they returned to Geneseo. Lo and behold, I was ecstatic to see on Buddy's status that he at least was returning. Unfortunately, I left Geneseo last November, the end of my first (and only) semester there because my mom had a double bypass. So, I came all the way from Rochester, a good 40 minute drive, just to see you guys. And once again, I was encompassed in the most powerful thing I have ever seen. I sat there in the crowd hoping you guys never saw the tears I shed, because you guys make me realize what life is all about. Struggling with depression, thoughts of suicide, and self hate disappear for a night and I re-learn why I'm still alive. But specifically, I want to thank you. I'm fairly sure you get letters like this all the time, and there's a chance that you won't read this. But your poems, like your letter to Neil Armstrong, or just "I Like You," made me realize that there's someone out there to love me, like I can't love myself.

I know this is all useless information from some stranger, but it's made me rethink the relationship I'm in with my boyfriend and with myself. But all I'm trying to say, is thank you. And I hope to see you perform again, because you too, have changed my life.

Michael Matthew McGee October 12 at 12:50pm Report
None of this is useless, Ashley. You wrote it because you feel a connection with what me and my fellow poets have to say. We're real, regular people. Maybe we're a little more in tune with emotion and connection than most dudes, but you wrote to me because there is hope that I would connect with you beyond the stage. It is my duty to do so. We need this.

I am so deeply honored that you would reach out to me. So very much of what I do is so that strangers might see something in each other that is familiar and familial. None of us are so different from each other that we cannot connect somehow.

I am so very glad you came back to Geneseo for our show. Let's keep in touch. Thank you for your message. It means so very much to me.

Truly,
Mike McGee

Ashley Phillipps October 12 at 1:07pm
Mike, thank you so much for getting back to me. I just sat here for like 20 minutes just in total shock that you replied to me so, so quickly. And I at this point feel like I'm out of words. I just cried my eyes out to Buddy's Crowbirds at Mockingbars, and I'm just rendered speechless by all of this. I guess all I can say is thank you, again. I really, really appreciate it.

-Ashley

Michael Matthew McGee October 12 at 1:08pm Report
You are most welcome.

When you wake up in the morning and look in the mirror and realize you have nothing good to say to yourself... you know it's going to be bad.

Wirintlkjflkjsdfsdflkj

Well, that was an epic fail. I can't even spell out what I'm doing. Let alone do it. This is probably going to be another epically ridiculous post because I can't motivate myself to do anything, or to concentrate on anything at all. I, again, had another incredibly shitty day. Recently, since about therapy Monday, I've found myself in this depressed state again. Not wanting to get out of bed, wanting to do nothing but sleep, lacking motivation even though I continue to think about doing things... It's by far the worst feeling in the entire world.

It's hard going to therapy, and then later that week just falling back into your old habits. Last week was a fairly busy week. I went out a lot, hanging with the guys (Trav and Chris), having coffee with others, talking on the phone, etc. I went out a lot. This week? Not so much. Monday, I had therapy. And since then, I've done nothing. Last night, I went to Starbucks to grab something with Tony, and then I sat down halfway through Silent Hill and finished watching it with him. I feel lonely during the days while Travis is asleep and even lonlier at night when he's at work. We keep fighting, and then some times things are okay. I know I should be out being productive, getting a job, etc. But these things are incredibly hard for me. For one, since I had my horrible experience at Tim Horton's in Victor, I've been kind of pushed back to square one, I feel like I shot myself in the foot. I'm depressed, lacking motivation, just generally feeling down. I've also felt like I want to go out and do some photo shoots. That's not happening, either. I feel like I have all of these ideas, and my camera still sits in it's bag.

I'm hoping what's coming up within the next two weeks will help things get better. I'll be getting another piercing, which is always healthy for me. Almost like another therapy. Piercings and tattoos are stress relievers for me. I love it. Also, next weekend, (not this coming weekend, but the weekend after that) is mine and Travis's two year anniversary! And that makes me so ecstatic. As much as things have been rocky recently, as we come closer and closer to the 17th, I'm constantly reminded about how much I love him, despite what's going on. I know a lot of the problems we endure have a lot to do with me and what I'm going through. It's hard enough not having a job, and not talking to my mom all the time and being at Trav's constantly. Not to mention, I'm a total handful. But I know things are getting better, and I'm super excited for what's coming up.

I also plan on doing photo shoots with some other people coming up. I know my poor camera (George) has been tucked away for far too long, and I feel like I need to go wander with my camera again. But I plan on doing some photo shoots with Brad and Sam, maybe. And I'd love to do one with Trevor, and countless other things! Talking about these things even makes me feel better. I'm learning that B.A.T. (Behavioral Activation Therapy) does work, and I have to have my head teach my hand. I think? It's one of those expressions. But I know I'm doing better.

/this metal warrior princess is falling apart.

I hate this.

micky mouse hands.

I'm falling apart at the seams.

Unwind the downward spiral.

Wanting to love myself has been the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my entire life. And wanting to love myself has also left me wanting to love what I want to do. I feel lost, like I've lost all ambition and desire for anything I once loved. Except for Travis. I still love him. Lotses.

But I know what they call this feeling... depression. Depression sucks. And I hate it. I keep thinking about how much I've found love in my Buffalo State sweat pants... and how much I just want to lay in bed, and never move again. How much I think about wanting to get out and play with my external flash that I found. How much I have been thinking about going to the beach and taking pictures again. But I don't want to move.

I felt sooooo good getting out there and working. I thought I had made the right decision. But now, I feel like I totally just shot myself in the foot. I'm hesitant about wanting to find a new job. I'm afraid it's always going to be like this. I can be rough around the edges and talk a lot, and complain about what I want, or if things aren't going the right way. And I got beraded for being overly opinionated and outspoken.

Last I knew, holding your own was something to be proud of. Now I just feel like a horrible person. This is so tiring.

I feel confined.

So, in waking up this morning, after having Travis come home from his new job, I realized just how depressed I feel. After being literally obliterated emotionally by Ed, the owner of Tim Horton's in Victor, this feeling hasn't gone away. I want to do nothing but lay in bed, or lounge around in my Buffalo State sweatpants. Nothing more. I don't want to job hunt, I don't want to go outside and enjoy the beautiful weather... I just want to sleep. And it's a horrible feeling. I feel empty inside, and slightly defeated. Because just when I thought I was going to make good for myself, and go out, get a job, and do well for myself... my world seems to come crashing down and I become a slug. A defeated slug who's confined to her newest pair of dress pants. That bothers me. The whole idea that really the only pair of pants that fits me is my new pair of dress pants. This whole entry isn't making sense... AT ALL. I guess it doesn't matter.

CUT:/

I embarked on the beginning of a life-long journey today. Today, I obtained my credit card from my Mom to go out and buy some bras. Some bras that fit me. In the past few years, I had learned that I can squeeze my large frame into a 38C bra. But that was a time when I weighed a lot less.
Between the end of March, when I started my medication called Wellbutrin and now, I’ve gained probably... 35 lbs. Not including the weight I had put on prior to March, after my Mom had her double bypass. Between that November and March, I had gained about 20 lbs. So in total, I’ve gained a good 50+ lbs. With this weight gain, I’ve become the largest I’ve ever been in my life. I’ve gone beyond my peak weight which was 275 lbs, which I had reached in middle school. With this weight gain, I’ve also acquired a new, horrible outlook. I’ve become self-conscious about every part of my body, and I’ve tried to hide it. I’ve tried to squish myself into clothes that are too tight, pants that no longer fit me, and shirts that have become too short and clingy. This included my lingerie.
For the past few years, I’ve been putting my boobs into a 38C bra, where the cups have fit, and the bands have cut into my sides. I was left with red marks that surround my breasts and my circumference, making me look even less sexy than I already felt. But I had never noticed it until a week ago. So, I decided when I went over to my Mom’s, I would grab my credit card and find a way to make myself feel better. Shopping had been an addiction for me, and it made me feel better in the short term. But now, I wanted to shop to cure an addiction... my self harm.
Though when I went to see my mom the first time and we fought, I didn’t get my card. It was just too much all at once. The fight, not talking to her, taking it without letting her know when she’s paying the bill... I couldn’t do it. But today, I went back to my mom’s house with Travis, and I asked her for it. And that’s when I took my first step in the journey. Travis and I were to meet Chris at the mall, and I thought I’d let the boys have their time, and I’d shop.
I started looking at JC Penny, Sears and the like...and I didn’t get very far. I didn’t find anything in my size... I started to look for a 40B or a 40C. One size up, I could deal with that, since I had learned the other day that now I can fill the cups of a larger band size, which I could never do before. But alas, I found nothing, and eventually parted ways with Travis so he could go with Chris. I then ventured to Lane Bryant to see what I could find. With no luck, I found full price bras. But I was determined not to give up, so I took a look at the clearance rack. I had also decided I was going to hunt down some bottoms, since none of my pants fit any more, either. I found a pair of grey skinny jeans, and I fell in love. They were a size 18, and I thought “Hey, they’re in Lane Bryant, they might fit.” I was going to attempt a bigger size, but all I found were 24s. But the 18s were no avail. They were never going to fit me. So I snuck out of the fitting room to grab the 24s in hopes that they would be just too big for me, and I’d be able to pass on them. But who could pass on a pair of pants from Lane Bryant for $9.99? I couldn’t, because the 24s fit. And I didn’t throw a fit, I didn’t want to cry for once... I didn’t find myself hating myself like I have before. So I felt as though my day was off to a good start.
I then decided I would go to Target, despite my unfortunate stomach ache. As I filtered through Target making a quick stop to browse for pants, I gathered a good five or so bras. Some of them were so cute! I even convinced myself to go for a lace non-molded cup with some leopard print accents. I felt so brave, and with that bra on, so beautiful! Unfortunately, I noticed it did the same thing the 38Cs did, they kind of bunched up around my sides. As did the other bras I had tried on. So, after another handful of bras, I gave up, and decided to look at some undies. I bought some string bikinis and I was on my way.
I decided to go to KMart, and take a look at some of those boxed bras. I know some of them can be kind of ugly, but I found a few that were decent cloth cups with wire. They looked just as normal as any other t-shirt bra, so I thought why not give them a try? I also filled my hands with as many 40Cs as I could get my hands on. I went into the fitting room and I just destroyed it! I had countless bras strewn all over the place while I left my shirt, purse and black bra crumpled up on the bench to pile through all of the bras I had picked out. Unfortunately, not a one fit. But I was determined not to give up. And I found myself picking up another huge handful of 40Cs, still to do that same bunching business under my arms as the others did. Sigh. I knew it was time to move on. So, I took a look at some undies there, and bought some more string bikinis because I was feeling them, and I got my way out of there.
I was exhausted by this point, and I stumbled my way to Dress Barn while talking to Katherine on the phone. I was in and out of there in a heartbeat, for they had no bras. I was disappointed. Fighting my way through traffic to get back to Travis’s to drop off the electronics I had hiding in my trunk. I didn’t want my camera, lap top and wii hiding in the trunk while I was in the city.
Since I hadn’t had any luck what so ever with any bras by now, I put my thinking cap on and went to Wal Mart in Irondequoit. Being in the city has made me realize that they take on a little more weight here, which means they carry bigger sizes in their stores. Though I had found a multitude of larger sizes, I put two and two together and I went one size bigger. I went to a 42C, and I grabbed 5 bras and tried them all on. I had a realization that a 42 band size fits smoothly on my sides in some bras. I had figured out the secret to life! So I piled through two trials of bras, and really only found one that fit. I know my odds for finding a bra that fits is about 1:100, so I was content. Because it all in all made me feel better. My skin wasn’t being pinched in odd places, and I could lift my hands up and down and move around without my bra even moving. What was I thinking prior to this? I then discovered a plethora of even more bras and did some digging. I wanted a black one, and boy was I determined. Unfortunately, no 42s rang my bell without making me look like a grandmother. So I paid for my single $7 bra and I was on my way to the other Target, which unfortunately had a very, very tiny selection.
I guess Target must be the upscale store, not catering to those heavy people, because there weren’t very many bras in sight over a 36 anything. But, there weren’t very many bras there any way. And there never are. However, I did weasel my way into finding a few black bras to try on, and one teal one. None of which fit me. By now, I was almost dead on my feet. I felt as though I was going to pass out, I was so hungry and totally gone. But I had one more store on my list! AJ Wright.
AJ Wright was an inspiration for me to start this journey, since I had bought this one very, very cute bra there. It was bright pink covered in black skulls. However, this one was a 38B, and did more crimping of my skin than any other bra I had ever had. But it was cheap, and it fit alright at the time, so I bought it! But it’s been giving me hell now. I tried on a a few more bras after digging through the large masses of them, and I settled on one. It was red and white striped, and came with cute matching panties. But that was the only one in the bunch that I liked. Not to mention, the pants I wanted to try on didn’t fit either. So, I finally had given up, but not after one last look. But I was NOT trying on ANY more bras. Ever. I found a few more 42Cs, and gathered them quickly. The red and white one was the most expensive, so the others were a bargain!
I was finally able to go home, though. Finally. But not to rest. I ran out the door to Starbucks after eating, and I had to see Travis again at Chris’s. But I got home probably just before 11, and I tried on all of my goodies. After my day of hard work, only three bras fit. And none of the panties did. And I was incredibly sad. But I spent the time taking what fit and sending pics to Trav to make me happy again.
Even though I had an iffy day, with trials and tribulations of accepting myself and looking for new lingerie, I feel good. Unfortunately, I’m in one of those moods where I just don’t want to sleep. I feel like I wasted away a bit of my day, and there’s more to be done. But I feel accomplished for writing this, but I think I have some thinking to do. I may just peruse the Penny Saver for jobs...