Sometimes... only some times...

I wish I could put into words the way I was feeling right now. I've been kinda too busy to blog, gallivanting around with Trav and the like, but I'm finally home (at Trav's) alone, listening to Depeche Mode in an uncomfortable chair. So, it sounded like beautiful blogging conditions to me. Trav's off at practice, and I'm here dwelling on life. Truly, I wish I could put into words how I felt right now. I have this crazy inferiority complex about me, and it crushes my spirit quite frequently. It's bad enough that I feel as though I'm not being successful when it comes to weight loss, among other things, but feeling inferior drives me crazy. If it's not me crying because I feel physically inferior, I feel like I'm metaphysically inferior, attributing to interests n such. I get upset when I see girls with large chests, or who are bigger, yet I feel are more beautiful than I. I always think to myself "Does Travis think they're hot?" or "I bet you Travis thinks they're attractive, or more attractive than me." I feel inferior in many ways, physically. I feel fat, uncontrollable, disgusting... I've apparently lost like 5 lbs, but god I know I'm not doing enough. I'm still over eating, luckily, I haven't been binge eating like I have in the past... but I know I'm not being as cautious and conscious of what I'm putting in my mouth as I should be. Like this morning, I ate soy ice cream and oreos for breakfast. Not exactly healthy. Not exactly to say that it's helping me get anywhere. I thought being vegan would limit my choices, unfortunately, I've learned that it's got it's cheating ways... Spicy Sweet Chili Doritos, Oreos, Soy Ice Cream... yeah, some of it's expensive, but I can NOT resist my sweets. Or! Fast food... mostly slurpees and fries. I need an alternative, something quick, something convenient, something sweet. I wish I could have chocolate, really badly. But I've been doing well enough, right?

But when it comes to me feeling inferior to interests, I'm so, so terribly afraid that Travis will stray from me if he ever finds someone else who is interested in what he is, more so than I am. There's a certain female friend who is into what he's into, and I can blatantly I say I hate her. I want to be into what he's into, so he pays attention to me... like she's into what he's into. I'm afraid our difference in activities or movies or what have you will drive him away from me. I'm afraid I'm not good enough, I'm not into enough of the things he's into. And I hate another certain person for what she's into. Yes, it's mostly females. I feel inferior to most of them. And it fills me with rage. I hate it, I hate it. I fucking hate it.