I hate this life. I really, really do. I'm miserable. And there's so much on my mind, and I feel like I don't have a way to vent. I'm over at my Mom's to use the internet, but I feel like I have to hide everything I'm doing from her. I'm afraid she'll want in on what I'm thinking, what I'm feeling. And there's always so much going on in my mind, I don't even know where to begin.

There's a lot on my mind tonight about what I want in the future. I was watching "How Do I Look?" on the Style channel, and it made me really think about how I feel. My mom and I had a talk earlier about my weight. Everything's been revolving around my weight... My mom and I talk about it, I'm embarrassed about it, none of my clothes fit, and I know what I need to do. But I'm just not sure how to do it. I know I need my hand held, and I need someone to push me. Sarah and I recently talked about running together... and I would love it. But I'm afraid. I'm so ashamed of what I've become, how big I've gotten, I literally just want to hide myself. Even though it's summer, I want to just cover up every inch of my skin. I know how to dress, and I know what fits me, and what works for me, but I don't want to own up to what's happened to me. How badly I've let myself go.

How badly I've let myself go....

How badly I've let myself go....

How badly...

I've let myself go.

I've let myself go and I'm scared. And I'm afraid all of this is going to impact my future. I'm afraid I'm never going to be successful. I've been evaluating what I want in life, and I'm afraid I'll never get there.

I want a beautiful home, it doesn't have to be huge, but it's got to have plenty of room for creativity. I want a driveway, about a mile long... I want a gorgeous comfortable bathroom, and a huge bedroom to share my space with my honey, with huge closets for my clothes, my shoes, and to store my mania. I want to be a photographer, and I want my own studio. I want to live comfortably, and never, ever have to worry. I want a movie room with plenty of room for food and friends, and I want my life to change. I don't want to be here any more... it's boring here. And hurtful. And I hate it.