I've felt so horrible lately, that I literally feel guilty for eating when I'm hungry. And that's a horrible, horrible feeling to have. What's even harder, is I feel like I'm alone in this battle. Travis I try to explain things to him, but I know he doesn't understand. He gets frustrated and just wants to help. I really don't want him to help, I just want him to be there for me, because truly, there's no way he can help. My therapist... is a totally different story. I understand that I'm supposed to be able to talk to Jim about anything. That's what therapists are there for. But as I've said before, I'm not 100% comfortable talking to him about certain things. One thing being my weight. I guess I'm safe to say this here, since I'm fairly sure not too many people read this. With the feeling of guilt comes the feeling of wanting to stop eating. Completely. There have been thoughts running through my mind like "Just starving myself would be easier than feeling this way." It's super duper hard dealing with this, when I know I need professional help. I feel like my impulsive binge eating has gotten a lot, a lot better recently. And I'm trying to be conscious about what I put into my body. I'm just afraid I'm too far gone.
Katherine and I had a conversation earlier about this sort of thing, I had mentioned just how difficult I find it to transform into being an active individual when I've been lazy and intimidated by exercise all of my life. I wish I had learned the values of a healthy lifestyle when I was younger. Don't get me wrong, I love my mother with all of my heart, and she's a fantastic person, but I've learned that I wish my childhood was different. My mom being a single mom and well, being Dee, was one of those parents who y'know, if she didn't feel like making dinner, it was brownies instead. And even just eating these vanilla wafers while I'm writing all of this makes me cringe and makes my stomach tie up in knots. Being so self aware can be a fantastic trait, but it can also be one that to me, at least, is intimidating. Being self aware isn't nearly as intimidating as going back to school is.
I was talking to my therapist about going back to school Wednesday, and this is a frequent conversation between Katherine and I as well. I'm super, super excited about the idea of going back to school, and being able to outshine those who I am jealous of in my age group who are also trying to be photographers. I know I'm very able, and have great potential, but settling my mind back on going to school (like everything else in the world) is terrifying. I know I need to take it one day at a time, and one step at a time... but I'm almost going so slow that I'm not doing anything in succeeding in going to school. And that's hindering me. The first step I want to take is actually going on a tour of the school. I wanted to go with Travis, but we never seem to find the time to sit down and pick out a date to go. I may wait until classes start, since I'd love to maybe take a peek at a class. Maybe I should just go on my own and fend for myself. That may be the only way to get the ball rolling. I feel also, like I should be batting at other things on my own. Weight loss included. I'm so thrown off by the idea of interdepence (which I have over the years learned a lot about) that I feel like I'm going backwards. I thought my first year of college I had defeated that phobia of asking for help, and doing things with others... but it seems like it's the only way I'm going to get anything done.
I'm so embarrassed by the situation that I am in, that I want to isolate myself and rid of everyone so I'm not embarrassing myself in front of them. That also seems to include Travis. I'm so embarrassed by my size and by the situations that I have encountered that I can't imagine why Travis wants to be with me. He tells me every day that he loves me, but as Apryl asked me the other day... Do I really love myself?
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