I'm not good with sacrifices. Except for goats. Goats I can do. Everything else, not so much. I had to run to the mall tonight to pay my past due balance on my AT&T bill. While I left, I thought I'd stop by and get me a frapuccino. Bad idea. For one, I knew I didn't even want one, but out of such a habit, I stopped any way. But I was reaquainted with why I never get a venti normal frapuccino. For one, it's just too much. I haven't wanted one of those in a long time, and I should have known it would have been a bad idea. Normally, I get them made with soy. It's a little bit more, but, I like it better. The normal ones also come with whipped cream... eugh. I did not need this. And as I walked out of the mall with the drink in my hand I felt self conscious. I knew I didn't want it, I knew I wouldn't benefit from it. The one thing I realized is that losing weight is a sacrifice and a committment; some times even an addiction.

I have an addictive personality. Which is why things like drugs and alcohol scare me. I get addicted to the easiest things... food, shopping/spending money, coffee... lord knows that I could get addicted to much of anything. But the one thing I can't get myself to be addicted to is anything to do with weight loss. Go...figure. But I can say that the thought has never left my head. It never does. Every time I pass a mirror, a window, any sort of reflective surface, I think about it. I think about the situation I have put myself in, and how much it will take to get me out of it. Maybe I'm not ready, maybe I'm not committed enough. I can't committ myself to anything anymore. I can't commit myself to work, to school, to a life change... anything. And at this point... I can't blame anything or anyone but myself...