According to Candlemass, to open up your dreams, you need seven silver keys. And I think I've decided that I want to journey to find my dreams, and I'm going to start with finding seven silver keys to make a necklace out of. I already have one. :) Too bad I still can't identify what my dreams are. But tonight, I'm okay with that. What I'm not okay with is what happened to me while I was on Wellbutrin. Everyone keeps talking about how different I was, and how they like having the new me back. I'm sorry if I ever hurt anyone during that period of time, but talking about it makes me totally uncomfortable. I realize what had happened to me during that time, but it's almost like because (once again) I'm so uncomfortable with it, I blocked it out of my mind, you know? I know that isn't necessarily the right thing to do, but it wasn't me. I want to blame the medication, and I want to blame what was going on... but I almost feel like I can't. It was me, yes. I made the decision to go see David-Shea, I made the decision to fight with my mom... but it was only while I was taking that medication? That doesn't make sense. Alas, all I can do is move on from it, I guess. Tomorrow I'm going to see a medication specialist at therapy. My therapist had suggested that I meet with the medication specialist just after seeing him, and it made me pretty happy to know that he was serious about me, you know? I know that sounds kind of silly, but I don't think I've ever really gotten good treatment, no matter where I've gone. This includes social services. Today, I went to orientation for assistance. I was greeted in the parking lot by two chicks not much older than myself in Mercedes with babies. Lo and behold, I was told that I had to come back to be interviewed for assistance, but they were able to stay because they had children. All I can do is lift my chin and move on from here. I think that's what I'm going to do.

So I want to get this out there before I forget about it since I'm talking to Katherine about it. But I feel so intimidated when I feel a mood upswing coming. I get scared that it's not going to last, and it's going to go away again. I feel intimidated by it coming because of that. I'm afraid that it won't last.

Hey! I'm just a dinosaur!

Not...really.. but I can make believe, right? So, I'm slightly intimidated, truthfully. After getting home from Travis's, I went out shopping to Wal-Mart with my mommy, and then I brutally attacked cleaning up my room, finally. Last night, I had a little bit of a breakdown after realizing that I was in the hole again, and that I felt as though I couldn't dig myself back out. I was crying and upset and terrible. I feel like I ruined our night :( It started off a little wobbly last night any way because I was miserable because I had to make dinner, and Travis wasn't paying attention to me like I came over for, so I was just all icky and moody. And then we settled down to watch Swamp Thing Returns and I fell in love with Swamp Thing. lol And then I couldn't find something to eat, so that finally just set me off, and I just started crying and wanted to go to bed. I hate when that shit happens. I'm almost wondering if it's because it's "That time of the month" technically, but I haven't been this grumpy in a while. Well, I lied, what am I talking about? That's all I've been recently is grumpy. But, back to my point. I finally cleaned up my bedroom. I've been pushing it off, and pushing it off, and pushing it off. And I wonder if it was depression? I want to talk to my therapist about that, and if a cycle in something like that is normal. But now that I have cleaned my room and conquered that, I again feel like I can conquer the world. And by that, I mean, work on my eating habits.

I did some research on veganism, once again. I found out that more things than I knew or figured were vegan. It made me kinda happy, actually. But when I get in these knowledgeable "manic modes," I get intimidated and discouraged. As usual, you know? I just get so scared, some times. I think the word "scared" needs to be eliminated from my vocabulary. Sounds like a good start, right?

I Want:
x to not be scared any more
x to not be intimidated any more
x to conquer my fears

:)

I said I needed room to breathe...

I feel totally, completely out of control. Last night, I had a fantastic night with Ron and Hurley. Ron and I met up at the mall, hung out, went over to borders n stuff, then met up with Hurley. We then went back to the mall, got Starbucks, and then went over to Denny's and hung out for an hour or two. We had a bitchin' waitress, and I filled out an application (yes, one up.) And then we came back to my place and chilled. No pun intended, either, it started to get super cold and down pour on the way home haha. But we just basically hung out on my kitchen floor, talking, writing comics, y'know... the usual. But they left around 2 AM, I think, and then I went to sleep and woke up at like... 1:49 PM I think? haha. It's been so long since I've slept like that, at least that late.

But I woke up this morning to some disappointing news. I once again was overdrawn on my account by like $6. Luckily, I have fantastic friends. Ron is taking care of that for me, he's throwing like $10 in my account to get me back to the positives. But I'm really doing a lot of thinking about this whole situation. I've put myself into such sticky situations mostly with money, and I don't know what to do. My first initial answer to that is literally to run away from my problems. I think that's why I've been so anxious to hang out with people, and go out and do things... because it gets me away from the problems I've been having. Unfortunately, these problems seem to be piling up, and giving me tension headaches n shit. I know I should be staying home, cleaning up my house, because it's still a mess, there's stuff everywhere that needs to be put away, but I'm not doing it because I just totally lack motivation. The only thing I seem to want to do lately is sit by the lake and relax. And that's abnormal for me, normally in the summer I want NOTHING to do with being outside, but that's all I want lately. I want to be out in the sun, I want to just sit there as the breeze cools my face... Ugh, my head hurts again :(

I've been pondering ideas to get myself back to normal, though. I'm thinking about the idea of getting a reloadable credit card, one that's pre-paid, to carry with me. And to keep my bank account debit card at home at all times and use it just to pay bills. I want to get away from my bank account, but I don't want to close it. That makes things more difficult than anything, not being able to do direct deposit with jobs or what have you. But maybe it'll also give me initiative to save more money to spend. Like... the more I save on that pre-paid card, the more I can spend? I think I want to start a "shopping fund" even just putting away like $10 a week or so, that way it deters me from spending from my budgeted money, to help me get a little more control. I also know I need to start making promises to myself and to everyone else. I know that sounds a little crazy, but there are a few promises I need to make.

- To stop spending money on fast food
- To stop spending money on excess things I don't need like clothes, accessories
- To start saving money

I can't imagine how much money I could have saved lately if I didn't spend so much on fast food. I've been so addicted lately to fast food, especially coffee. Star bucks? $5 per coffee? Timmy Ho's? $7 for coffee and tim bits? Burger King? $8 for a meal? Come on, really, Ash? I feel so embarrassed, but I just can't stop. And that's like yesterday, I bought a hat, and some fingerless gloves with silver skulls on them... bah. And a photography book? Well, I feel as though the photography book and the journal I bought will come in handy... but you know? I feel like a hoarder. I don't understand why new things just... make me feel better? *sigh* Well, another blog cut short by a distraction.

I want:

x to be able to afford a magazine subscription (or two)
x to pay off my credit cards
x to lose weight
x to spend more time outside
x to learn about nutrition
x ways to make more money
x to take more photographs than ever before
x to learn more about photography by reading more and using trial and error
x to see Elvis in Vegas (no one will get this)
x to learn to love myself
x more time to talk to my therapist
x new glasses
x to prove myself right
x to believe in myself
x to go see KISS live
x to learn to have fun without spending money
x ways to save money
x to save up like $1,000 just to prove that I can
x to learn how to do my makeup better
x to part ways with things I don't NEED
x to spend more time with the people I love
x a smaller tummy
x to remake my life list
x to take responsibility for myself
x to go back to school
x a degree (or two...or six?)
x just to sit home once in a while
x my internet connection to work
x self confidence
x more ink!

I think that's enough wants for now, right? I feel kinda overwhelmed at the moment. Yesterday while at Kershaw Park with Trav, I explained to him how since I went to see my therapist, I feel like I can conquer the world. That normally happened after I saw a professional, I feel so much better, like I'm going to fix every problem I've ever had... but once I realize that I'm going to be doing that, I then become overwhelmed because I want to fix EVERYTHING at once, and I just frankly can't. I got my paycheck today from The Connection, and I didn't get nearly as much money as I thought I was going to. Which means I was able to pay my fine, and only have like $130 left over. Which isn't a lot for me to pay much of anything. Trust me, I do know I have put myself in this situation, but I thought my priority was to take care of myself?

Shit, who am I kidding? I am taking care of myself, I just wanna do it all at once. One step at a time, Ashley. One step at a time. I just need to rationalize this stuff. I just wish my rationalizations were a little easier than this and not as close. My cycles and ups and downs of rage and confusion, and realization and panic are so hard to handle. How come I never noticed all of this before, though? Jim (my therapist) even asked me that on Wednesday. He asked about when all of this started, and I explained things started around age 11, and seem to have gotten worse and worse as I have gotten older. Either that, or I've just come to realize them as I've gotten older?

Welp, here come the interruptions of thoughts haha. I'll finish this later.

Everything I have been thinking lately I just want to SCREAM. I just get so irritated, and I just want to yell, take it out all vocally. Everything else makes me want to puke. Earlier today, I was thinking about the idea of just running and running and running until I puke my fucking guts out. That's not like me, you know? Vomiting is FAR from the one thing I wanna do EVER. But I want to cleanse my body, and my mind. And son of a bitch it's so exhausting.

Made of steel, not clay.

I wish that statement was true. I feel as though lately I'm not made of steel, but more of clay, unlike Manowar. Luckily, the only person who will probably be reading this will get that. And that's what it's there for. But I feel so pliable in a sense when it comes to my emotions. I can't hold onto one emotion for a very long time, and that concerns me. I was ungodly frustrated this morning, and it sent me into a state I haven't felt in a really, really long time. I acted out almost violently, at the least physically. I was punching walls, kicking bathroom sinks, crying... All because I felt terrible about myself. My hair wasn't working with me this morning, I was out of hair spray, I realized that literally almost none of my clothes really fit me any more... I was almost dumbfounded at what I've become. That sounds so terrible - "what I've become." But alas it feels true. I've become horrendously over weight, even more so than I have been in the past, uncontrollable, full of rage, lacking energy and creativity. I feel like I've become a monster. Unfortunately, one that's as cool as The Swamp Thing seems. =/ Know what I mean, Vern?

Since I saw my therapist, I feel like that experience opened my eyes. I feel like I can see again, like my clouded vision cleared (how else can I put that metaphorically? lol) And unfortunately, the truth has been sitting in front of me like this for a while, but jesus christ I haven't wanted to see it. I've been far too embarrassed to see it. And I hate what I've become. Trust me, hating myself is nothing new, but it's become much more uhm... prominent in my life. (Jesus, I could listen to Meat Loaf sing a fucking cook book and I'd be there for hours!!)

I Hate:
x the way that I can't resist fast food
x how much I weigh
x how I can't seem to control my 'sexual urges'
x the fact I cut my hair
x not having clothes fit
x having a limited selection of clothing
x not being able to regulate my finances
x being incapable of saving money
x my addiction to shopping
x my addiction to food
x my lack of energy
x how I can't stop drinking coffee from Tim Hortons or Starbucks
x my reliance on food to make me feel better, when it just makes me feel worse
x not being in school
x not working, or being able to hold a job
x having no control over my emotions and my moods
x my stomach, and my excess weight on my arms and legs
x the size of my breasts
x how many shoes I have
x that I think shopping makes me feel better


Is that enough for now? I think so. All of these things are just little petty things to some people, but to me they're full of incontrollable urges and need to have something over and over and over again (addiction?). But I'm fully aware that I can kick these habits, and that it's going to take so much work. Unfortunately, I think the work is what scares me away. I know life ain't supposed to be easy, but having to work hard to be happy is a difficult concept for me, for some reason. I was raised by a very hard working mother, and you'd think that I'd grasp the concept of working hard. But "fixing" these problems seems like all too much work for me, truthfully. When it comes to self exploration, or self help, god, I feel like the laziest couch potato in the world.

I've been looking at a lot of people around me lately, especially a lot of heavy set people, and I keep thinking "god, I NEVER want to be like that." But shit, who am I kidding? I AM what I don't want to be. How does that work? Am I that blind? Or do I just not want to believe what I see in front of myself? Ugh. Unfortunately, this negativity is taking a toll on me in itself. I want to try terribly to stay positive, but it's hard when you feel this way. I could seriously ramble on for hours at this point, but I lost my train of thought and got distracted. Maybe I'll finish my train later.

Wouldn't it be nice?

This morning I had an intake appointment at Ontario County Mental Health. I met with my therapist for the first time. I was incredibly hesitant at first, not to mention I was late because I literally got lost in the damn complex! lol But I was incredibly hesitant at first, I always am when I get to meet a new therapist. I'm always afraid I won't get along with them or be so intimidated that I won't feel comfortable enough to talk. But, I knew this therapist was like a match made in heaven for me, haha! He's not only very eclectic and an artist, but he also totally had a Nightmare Before Christmas clock in his office. But the way he talked to me made me feel so comfortable. The way he formed his words and chose his phrasing really reminded me of the way that Travis talks to me on a daily basis. So I felt so comfortable in talking to him, it wasn't like I was speaking with a therapist, I was just having a casual psychological conversation. So we talked about focusing first on my self-esteem (or my lack there of)and improving that, because that will be the foundation to improving upon everything else. And I 100% agree. And with that, I do know I also have to take care of some other things. Which I tried to do.

After finishing up with my therapist who's name I can't remember, I went over to Department of Social Services, to see if I could get some assistance for well... everything. I went in and just asked about how to go about applying, and they basically just gave me shit. Because I'm only 20, I'm technically by state law my mother's responsibility. However, that just doesn't seem right to be. I can't get assistance because I'm under 21, however, those chicks who are 17 with six kids can get all the help they want? I don't get it. But they were incredibly rude to me, and made me really unhappy. At this point, I'm just trying to figure out whether or not I want to fight and fight and fight to get the assistance I believe I deserve, or if I should just give up and go and just get a part time job. However, I plan on getting a job any way, but I do know I can't work full time and focus on improving myself.

But it's watermelon time, I guess I'm done.

Mama said..

So, the song "Mama Said" by Metallica has been looming over my head, lately. On my way to New Jersey, about 150 miles until Nanuet in New York where my hotel was, "Mama Said" started to play on my iPod. Now, mind you, I haven't listened to Metallica in quite some time, but this song really hit home.

"Let my heart go
Let your son grow
Mama, let my heart go
Or let this heart be still

"Rebel", my new last name
Wild blood in my veins
Apron strings around my neck
The mark that still remains"

While on my way to Jersey, I did a lot of thinking. For one, I realized that I did believe something was wrong. "Rebel," my new last name" really seemed to be appropriate. I was fighting everything I had ever known. My morals, especially. I was going to see a man that I had seen only once six years ago, and I was running because I felt smothered. I felt like the apron strings were choking me, I felt like I had no freedom with my mom breathing down my neck...

But the more I thought about it, especially recently, I truly think the cause of that whole frustration was truly my medication. I was on two medications at once. Fluoxetine and wellbutrin. And I think the Wellbutrin was what sent me over the edge. Now, I haven't been on Wellbutrin for a few weeks, and I feel like a different person, myself. I've felt so out of control. I feel like I don't have a grip on life at all. Every little thing is setting me off.

I've told a few people recently how if you were to put my emotions into a physical form, they'd be the equivalent of a seismograph or an EKG reading. And it's overwhelming, because I feel like I peak and then reach a low within a matter of minutes, and it can take a toll on me some times. I'm greatly overwhelemd by my weight, my finances, my lack of job, my inability to hold a job... jeez. I feel like I'm falling apart, and I have no guidance. I'm lethargic a lot of the time, and I sleep what seems like forever. I lack energy, I lack motivation... And truthfully, I didn't start this blog to bitch. I've done that for long enough, and I want to change it. Which is my idea behind this, truthfully. I want to fix myself. I'm not broken, but I do know that my pieces aren't fitting together well.

I've often thought to myself recently, and asked myself "Why is it that the most important thing in life (loving yourself) is the hardest thing to achieve?" I want to learn to love myself, and love who I am, and where I'm going. I want to have the confidence in my mind and in my body, in my knowledge and in the decisions I make. I want to have the confidence to take over the world. I feel like it's in me, but I scare it out of me a lot of the time. Like as I write all of this and think about this, I'm already scaring myself. I always think to myself "nah, that's not really how it is." or "it'll all go away." And I expect it to disappear the next day, really. But after expecting that for 20 years and NEVER having it disappear, I'm learning that this really is how it is. It won't ever go away, but I need to learn how to cope with it. The hardest part of coping, is trying to express myself.

I have found myself struggling to share with Travis, mostly, how I feel. Trying to explain to the person that you love (and that you left at one point) that nothing feels right, is the hardest thing to do. Sharing my feelings, admitting my feelings with those I love is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I'm afraid of being judged on "what's wrong with me." I feel so insecure about the way I feel, and who I am. I've been dying to discover more about myself, and to feel myself out just a little bit more... and I'm so excited about tomorrow.