Mama said..

So, the song "Mama Said" by Metallica has been looming over my head, lately. On my way to New Jersey, about 150 miles until Nanuet in New York where my hotel was, "Mama Said" started to play on my iPod. Now, mind you, I haven't listened to Metallica in quite some time, but this song really hit home.

"Let my heart go
Let your son grow
Mama, let my heart go
Or let this heart be still

"Rebel", my new last name
Wild blood in my veins
Apron strings around my neck
The mark that still remains"

While on my way to Jersey, I did a lot of thinking. For one, I realized that I did believe something was wrong. "Rebel," my new last name" really seemed to be appropriate. I was fighting everything I had ever known. My morals, especially. I was going to see a man that I had seen only once six years ago, and I was running because I felt smothered. I felt like the apron strings were choking me, I felt like I had no freedom with my mom breathing down my neck...

But the more I thought about it, especially recently, I truly think the cause of that whole frustration was truly my medication. I was on two medications at once. Fluoxetine and wellbutrin. And I think the Wellbutrin was what sent me over the edge. Now, I haven't been on Wellbutrin for a few weeks, and I feel like a different person, myself. I've felt so out of control. I feel like I don't have a grip on life at all. Every little thing is setting me off.

I've told a few people recently how if you were to put my emotions into a physical form, they'd be the equivalent of a seismograph or an EKG reading. And it's overwhelming, because I feel like I peak and then reach a low within a matter of minutes, and it can take a toll on me some times. I'm greatly overwhelemd by my weight, my finances, my lack of job, my inability to hold a job... jeez. I feel like I'm falling apart, and I have no guidance. I'm lethargic a lot of the time, and I sleep what seems like forever. I lack energy, I lack motivation... And truthfully, I didn't start this blog to bitch. I've done that for long enough, and I want to change it. Which is my idea behind this, truthfully. I want to fix myself. I'm not broken, but I do know that my pieces aren't fitting together well.

I've often thought to myself recently, and asked myself "Why is it that the most important thing in life (loving yourself) is the hardest thing to achieve?" I want to learn to love myself, and love who I am, and where I'm going. I want to have the confidence in my mind and in my body, in my knowledge and in the decisions I make. I want to have the confidence to take over the world. I feel like it's in me, but I scare it out of me a lot of the time. Like as I write all of this and think about this, I'm already scaring myself. I always think to myself "nah, that's not really how it is." or "it'll all go away." And I expect it to disappear the next day, really. But after expecting that for 20 years and NEVER having it disappear, I'm learning that this really is how it is. It won't ever go away, but I need to learn how to cope with it. The hardest part of coping, is trying to express myself.

I have found myself struggling to share with Travis, mostly, how I feel. Trying to explain to the person that you love (and that you left at one point) that nothing feels right, is the hardest thing to do. Sharing my feelings, admitting my feelings with those I love is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I'm afraid of being judged on "what's wrong with me." I feel so insecure about the way I feel, and who I am. I've been dying to discover more about myself, and to feel myself out just a little bit more... and I'm so excited about tomorrow.