I wish that statement was true. I feel as though lately I'm not made of steel, but more of clay, unlike Manowar. Luckily, the only person who will probably be reading this will get that. And that's what it's there for. But I feel so pliable in a sense when it comes to my emotions. I can't hold onto one emotion for a very long time, and that concerns me. I was ungodly frustrated this morning, and it sent me into a state I haven't felt in a really, really long time. I acted out almost violently, at the least physically. I was punching walls, kicking bathroom sinks, crying... All because I felt terrible about myself. My hair wasn't working with me this morning, I was out of hair spray, I realized that literally almost none of my clothes really fit me any more... I was almost dumbfounded at what I've become. That sounds so terrible - "what I've become." But alas it feels true. I've become horrendously over weight, even more so than I have been in the past, uncontrollable, full of rage, lacking energy and creativity. I feel like I've become a monster. Unfortunately, one that's as cool as The Swamp Thing seems. =/ Know what I mean, Vern?
Since I saw my therapist, I feel like that experience opened my eyes. I feel like I can see again, like my clouded vision cleared (how else can I put that metaphorically? lol) And unfortunately, the truth has been sitting in front of me like this for a while, but jesus christ I haven't wanted to see it. I've been far too embarrassed to see it. And I hate what I've become. Trust me, hating myself is nothing new, but it's become much more uhm... prominent in my life. (Jesus, I could listen to Meat Loaf sing a fucking cook book and I'd be there for hours!!)
I Hate:
x the way that I can't resist fast food
x how much I weigh
x how I can't seem to control my 'sexual urges'
x the fact I cut my hair
x not having clothes fit
x having a limited selection of clothing
x not being able to regulate my finances
x being incapable of saving money
x my addiction to shopping
x my addiction to food
x my lack of energy
x how I can't stop drinking coffee from Tim Hortons or Starbucks
x my reliance on food to make me feel better, when it just makes me feel worse
x not being in school
x not working, or being able to hold a job
x having no control over my emotions and my moods
x my stomach, and my excess weight on my arms and legs
x the size of my breasts
x how many shoes I have
x that I think shopping makes me feel better
Is that enough for now? I think so. All of these things are just little petty things to some people, but to me they're full of incontrollable urges and need to have something over and over and over again (addiction?). But I'm fully aware that I can kick these habits, and that it's going to take so much work. Unfortunately, I think the work is what scares me away. I know life ain't supposed to be easy, but having to work hard to be happy is a difficult concept for me, for some reason. I was raised by a very hard working mother, and you'd think that I'd grasp the concept of working hard. But "fixing" these problems seems like all too much work for me, truthfully. When it comes to self exploration, or self help, god, I feel like the laziest couch potato in the world.
I've been looking at a lot of people around me lately, especially a lot of heavy set people, and I keep thinking "god, I NEVER want to be like that." But shit, who am I kidding? I AM what I don't want to be. How does that work? Am I that blind? Or do I just not want to believe what I see in front of myself? Ugh. Unfortunately, this negativity is taking a toll on me in itself. I want to try terribly to stay positive, but it's hard when you feel this way. I could seriously ramble on for hours at this point, but I lost my train of thought and got distracted. Maybe I'll finish my train later.
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