It's just another manic...Friday?!

I was terribly unable to sleep last night - terribly. I went to bed with Trav around 1 AM, and I tossed and turned for a little bit, I knew my night was going to be less than admirable for sleep. And alas, I was right. I woke up around 5:30, and just couldn't get back to sleep. I tossed and turned, then I finally left the bed, ate some poptarts, and then just took a shower. I knew I wasn't going back to sleep any time soon, let alone at all. So I took Trav to work, and on my way to his work, I felt HORRIBLE. My stomach started to hurt, and I started to feel nauseous. It was a little hectic any way, because I could not stay out of the bathroom, either. The only thing I could think of that would do that to me was Wendy's that I had yesterday with Sarah. Come to find out, she wasn't feeling too well this morning, either. So, I stopped on my way to the Serenity House Garage Sale to grab some pepto pills. And then y'know, I did what I do with my mom at the garage sale. I shopped. lol Found some really nifty stuff :] But that's not the reason why I'm writing this entry. After I went to the garage sale, I then went with my mom to Canandaigua because I needed her to get me some 18G earrings because the one I had in my ear was missing the captive ball, and just not workin' for me. But god was I EXHAUSTED. I was so exhausted and feeling sick that I had to cancel my photo shoot with some good friends. I was rather disappointed, but we also got rained out. It was not a day for photography.

While I was at the VOA in Canandaigua because my mom wanted to look at couches, I noticed that they were looking for a cashier for 20 - 24 hours per week. And I thought "I could do that!" And just kinda let it go at that. When I got home, my mom and I discussed some money things, and I got frustrated, and I sincerely thought about applying to the VOA. Unfortunately, my head started to spin. Oh, I could work there. AND I could also help Shanna at the studio on Monday and Wednesday, and I should do this, and I should do that...

In my life, there is no happy medium. Either, I'm conquering the world like the Energizer Bunny, and going and going and going, or I'm so lethargic and depressed I don't even want to get off of my couch in my livingroom. Or be at my house. *shudders* My house is unfortunately not a home, just a place to store my stuff. And that's also depressing, and a big reason why I want to be at Trav's so often. I hate my place. It seemed opportune at the time, but now I hate being there. The place smells, I can't use my art room because it's too fucking hot, the place just literally brings a bad taste to my mouth. There's never anything there I want, or want to do. I'm so uncomfortable being there, sleeping there... ugh. (On a side note, I've totally dreampt this.) I get upset even thinking about the place. And it's horrible. I feel bad for the situation I have put my mom in, and I feel like I need to try and rekindle things. I feel like my mom and I are on edge lately. And it makes me uncomfortable. I don't feel like my mom is the mom that I grew up with. It's odd. I feel like there's so much changing in my world, and I just don't know how to handle it. I'm realizing that Trav's friends don't like me, I still don't feel ready to work or go back to school, but I'm stuck in this rut I can't get myself out of...

And this all leaves a bad taste in my mouth.

Why isn't love enough?

I'm dizzy with confusion about all that's going on these days. Travis and I keep fighting. And fighting. And fighting. And fighting. And I just don't know if I can take it any more. But I also don't want to deal with the humiliation and embarrassment that come from breaking up with Travis. The way his friends banished me and made me feel like I wasn't a part of the circle any more, no one acknowledged me, and it made me feel horrible. I'm the outcast, even when I'm there with everyone. All I've ever wanted was to fit in and find my place with Travis and his friends. And god knows I do not need all of this pain. I hurt bad enough going through my depression and having to try and "fix" myself. Going to therapy, working with medications, being on temporary assistance which isn't doing enough for me to help me. My mom paying all of my bills, her kicking Daniel out... jesus christ I don't need this. But I just don't know what to do.

Hold it in.

Hold it in.

Hold it in.

Hold it in.

Hold it in.

Hold it in.

Hold it in.

Hold it in.

Hold it in.

Hold it in.

Hold it in.

Hold it in.

Hold it in.

Hold it in.

Hold it in.

Hold it in.

Hold it in.

Hold it in.

Hold it in.

Hold it in.

Take a really, really deep breath... and just hold it all in.

I've had a very difficult time recently attempting to write with all these distractions. I'm attempting to watch The Simpsons, and they're episodes I've never seen, so I want to watch AND write at the same time. But what's really important is what's on my mind that I've been trying so desperately to get out. Today has been one of those odd days, where I'm kinda up and down. When Travis got home earlier, because he wasn't feeling well, and after not seeing him for a few days, I totally fell in love again. It was so sweet, but we both went to take a nap, and when I got up, all I wanted was his attention, and when I wasn't getting it, I got kinda sad. Not to mention earlier, I was feeling rather down.

This morning I went out to get something to eat, and go out to Irondequoit Bay and take some pictures. I had Mc Donalds for lunch, and walked around for maybe 20 minutes, if that, took a few snapshots, and was kinda disappointed because even the water fowl was boring today. lol But when I returned to Trav's place, I felt utterly exhausted. This has been happening quite frequently. I have been sleeping through the night, and doing very, very little in the day and after doing this little tiny stuff, I'm so tired. I'm not sure what's causing it, but that's just the beginning. Some times, I find my hands and stuff falling asleep, for no reason, when I'm not doing anything... And I feel as though all of these problems are coming from my weight. I lack energy, doing normal things is becoming difficult, and my clothes are not fitting well. But I must admit, I feel so lost...

I feel like I need to re-learn how to eat. I know I can do this, I know I can lose the weight... but I'm not sure if I'm ready. I can't wrap my mind around how hard it is going to be to do it. It will be extraordinarily difficult at first... but I need to do it. I just need help. I literally need someone to hold my hand through all this, I need guidance... and I don't know where to get it. I have an appointment with a nutritionist in September, but what do I do between now and then? Suffer? Feel horrible for myself? I need a hand...

"She could be living the happiest life ever and still be discontent."

I want my life back.

There are no freaking words to describe how I feel right now.
And if there are, son of a bitch I can't find them.

I'm constantly sick to my stomach lately. Nerves, over eating... you name it. And it's horrible. I feel physically terrible. I've been over eating like the world is going to end tomorrow, and I'm out of control. I also feel like I'm always tired. I am sleeping a full night's sleep, taking naps, and I'm still lethargic. I'm starting to wonder if there is something wrong with me...

I'm going to be honest, frustration seems to be my middle name. Things haven't exactly been just a bunch of roses, and I hate it. The thought of last night makes me cringe, even though I had a fantastic time watching the movies and spending time with Travis. And the thought of tonight makes me cringe once again. Frustrating, isn't it? That just one person can ruin everything for you. Most people say that it's you yourself that lets it bother you, but I disagree, to an extent. With as uncontrollable as I am in general, it's truly difficult to just let things slide, especially when you've been hurt this badly. The thought of it makes me not want to go tonight - between that and Travis's attitude and apparently "forgetting" that I couldn't go to Liz's grad party because he needed my car... it all becomes so taxing. I know Travis thinks it's just "one of my moods," but I feel as though it's not. It's all my fault, though, you know? Always. I'm the one who's a train wreck, I'm the one who's always overly emotional and ruining everything. And again, I wish to end this entry with a giant "fuck you." But I shouldn't. A lot of my entries have been ending that way, in a "fuck everybody" sort of sense. I just get so frustrated with people, it's not even funny. When I feel as though I haven't done anything wrong and I get attacked, all I want to do is shove people away. I mean, when I become discontent with myself and others, I tend to want to just be alone. I'm also tired of wanting to know if things are normal. What's normal for me, seems to be frustrating to everyone else. Apparently I'm repeating myself.

So I'm'a feelin' a wee bit nostalgic.

So, for some god forsaken reason, I had the thought of this kid 'Erik Bardo,' pop into my head recently. And what's mildly hilarious, is I found him on facebook. He was Chris's best friend, who I loved to pieces. He intimidated me because he was well spoken, learned, and just an all around great person set in his ways. And I loved this kid for it! And it was rather odd, because that's... nothing like what Chris was. Matter of fact, I'm sitting here thinking

"What the fuck was I thinking?!"

when it comes to Chris. But eh, you live and learn. I have my Travvy, and that's all that matters. :) But I have to giggle, truly. Because I recently also found pictures from Chris's birthday party I threw him, and Erik was there. And there's this one picture that Hurley took of Erik and I sitting on my bed, he's hugging my stuffed Stripe. And I'm tellin' ya, I friggin' loved this kid. But I had to write this out only to giggle to myself about the most hilarious memory I have of him. I don't know what my infatuation is with this kid all of a sudden, but it's hilarious.

One night, it was about mid-summer, and I'm fast asleep in my bed. All of a sudden, I hear this tapping at my window on my left. Then all I hear through my window is "It's okay... it's Chris and Erik. *tap tap tap* It's okay... it's Chris and Erik.. *tap tap tap* It's okay... it's Chris and Erik." And obviously I woke up and let them in, but it was so odd. It was like 2 AM, and like a weeknight. Some how they had found their way from Marion to my house... ah, man. I don't know why, but I just had to laugh about that.

Back to the old grind

Well, what's mildly hilarious is that I ended my post yesterday on a sour note actually due to my mom throwing out one of my favorite sweaters. Odd, I know. Unfortunately, though, my thoughts haven't changed, and I'm still rather confused about well... my body. Talking it over with Travis last night got kind of monotonous, you know? I talk about it, talk about it, talk about it, talk about it, then I get TOTALLY sidetracked and never do anything about it. Last night was a trainwreck, too. Travis bought me a package of cookies, and I was all excited, they were the dutch cocoa soft batch cookies. Also known as the freakin' cookies to die for. :) But any way, we came home, and started to watch Tales from the Crypt cartoon show, and I was eatin' up my cookies. Unfortunately, I ate...all of them. And I told myself I wouldn't. But I get frustrated about 3/4 of the way through the package. Growing up, I was always under the impression never to waste food. And that's something I have struggled with all of my life. So I got about 3/4 of the way through the package, and lo and behold I told myself "well, there aren't THAT many left, I can finish them." And so I nibbled on them some more, and then I got to the point where I knew I was full, and starting to get a wee bit uncomfortable. But there were only like two cookies left. And my mind thought "Either you eat them, right now, or you throw them out." For some reason, there seems to be no inbetween. So I ate 'em. And that's when I realized that I was in some sort of trouble. I looked at the package, and realized that my thoughts were true. I had just eaten 10 cookies, at 110 calories a piece. Now I'm no mathematician, but unfortunately, doesn't that ring up to...oh... 1100 calories? That's half of what a normal daily allowance for a chick should be. No wonder I've gained so much weight. Katherine was right, I had been eating like 1200 calories in one sitting, frequently. And apparently I'm still doing it.

It made me do some quick thinking last night, though. I remember my recent lowest weight was probably just about a year out of high school, I was down to like 240 lbs. Now being at the biggest I've EVER been, I think that's a sustainable goal. However, I did some major thinking to how I lost that weight. That was the most important part. And how I did it was weight watchers. Now mind you, my face scrunches up in disgust any time I think of having to do ANYTHING involving counting to lose weight, so the thought of weight watchers is kind of a downer. So is counting calories. So is being vegan. So is watching what I eat...blah blah blah. However, my biggest struggle is the fear of what others will think about me switching around diet to diet, and that's what my biggest problem is, too. I don't want a DIET. I want an adaptable healthy lifestyle. I know I should be using these tools as guidelines for life, not just as a diet, but unfortunately, I need to be strict with myself like some of these things make you. But on the down side, I lack the motivation to keep myself in line. And then it's like, what do I do at this point?

I had finally gone back to my quack of a doctor and asked for a referral, though, for the dietician. Unfortunately, the dietician they set me up with ( and I still have no idea who they made the appointment with ) can't get me in until September. So what do I do? Suffer, complain, be depressed and hate myself until then? I don't wanna! I sound like a child having a temper tantrum, but jesus christ, what do I do at this point? I'm uncomfortable doing everyday activities, I don't feel like myself, I feel like a bloated dead animal who's been hit on the side of the road by a dump truck, I mean... these feelings can't last any longer, or I'm going to explode. Seriously. At this point, I'm just not sure what to do...

There's been a lot going on taking a toll on my emotions and how I feel about myself especially. I just walked in the house, after cleaning up my bedroom, waxing my face, and getting my laundry out of the washer and bringing it over to my mom's to dry, and I'm 100% winded, miserable, and hot. And it's frustrating. Beyond frustrating. I was talking to Liz this morning about how much I hate my weight, and I hate where I am, and we came down to the same conclusion. That obviously exercise works. Unfortunately, I become deterred because I hate exercise. If there was one thing in the world that I can truly say that I hate, I loathe, I dislike, I don't care for, etc. etc. etc. I feel less than motivated

Fuck this. I hate... you. Fuck you.

The rage I feel some times is almost uncontrollable. I know life isn't fair, and I know we all have to experience things, but that never seems to stop me from being able to hate people. I hate the little bitch who ruined my relationship with the person I love, I hate the little bitch who's taken my father away from me, I hate all of you. I hate every single one of you who makes me feel insecure about myself, I hate you, I hate these feelings, and most of all, I FUCKING HATE YOU.

Sometimes... only some times...

I wish I could put into words the way I was feeling right now. I've been kinda too busy to blog, gallivanting around with Trav and the like, but I'm finally home (at Trav's) alone, listening to Depeche Mode in an uncomfortable chair. So, it sounded like beautiful blogging conditions to me. Trav's off at practice, and I'm here dwelling on life. Truly, I wish I could put into words how I felt right now. I have this crazy inferiority complex about me, and it crushes my spirit quite frequently. It's bad enough that I feel as though I'm not being successful when it comes to weight loss, among other things, but feeling inferior drives me crazy. If it's not me crying because I feel physically inferior, I feel like I'm metaphysically inferior, attributing to interests n such. I get upset when I see girls with large chests, or who are bigger, yet I feel are more beautiful than I. I always think to myself "Does Travis think they're hot?" or "I bet you Travis thinks they're attractive, or more attractive than me." I feel inferior in many ways, physically. I feel fat, uncontrollable, disgusting... I've apparently lost like 5 lbs, but god I know I'm not doing enough. I'm still over eating, luckily, I haven't been binge eating like I have in the past... but I know I'm not being as cautious and conscious of what I'm putting in my mouth as I should be. Like this morning, I ate soy ice cream and oreos for breakfast. Not exactly healthy. Not exactly to say that it's helping me get anywhere. I thought being vegan would limit my choices, unfortunately, I've learned that it's got it's cheating ways... Spicy Sweet Chili Doritos, Oreos, Soy Ice Cream... yeah, some of it's expensive, but I can NOT resist my sweets. Or! Fast food... mostly slurpees and fries. I need an alternative, something quick, something convenient, something sweet. I wish I could have chocolate, really badly. But I've been doing well enough, right?

But when it comes to me feeling inferior to interests, I'm so, so terribly afraid that Travis will stray from me if he ever finds someone else who is interested in what he is, more so than I am. There's a certain female friend who is into what he's into, and I can blatantly I say I hate her. I want to be into what he's into, so he pays attention to me... like she's into what he's into. I'm afraid our difference in activities or movies or what have you will drive him away from me. I'm afraid I'm not good enough, I'm not into enough of the things he's into. And I hate another certain person for what she's into. Yes, it's mostly females. I feel inferior to most of them. And it fills me with rage. I hate it, I hate it. I fucking hate it.

Why is it that loving yourself is the most important thing in life, and yet it's the hardest thing to do?

I went out today to put on a pair of roller blades I haven't worn since I was like 10. Well, I don't think I EVER wore them, ever, but shockingly enough, they fit. Unfortunately, my plan for roller blading failed miserably, as usual. And I've found myself more disappointed than ever. I don't know what's been up with myself lately, but I'm terrible. I've developed this ungodly feeling of hatred for myself and who I am, and my body. It's truly terrible, because I haven't felt this bad in SO long, so, so long. And I just don't know what to do with myself. I have found myself obsessing and needing Travis's reassurance constantly - hell, I called him 27 times last night because he wouldn't answer his phone. I just don't know what's wrong with me... I hate who I am, and I hate what I can and can't do. I don't know what to do with myself...