Apparently for me, instant gratification isn't instant enough. I have had some dumb thoughts going through my mind this morning. I guess I expected to attack being a vegan and be totally 100% successful, and lose like 5 lbs just by making the change. lol But then I realized, I still need to put nutrients into my body, and if I don't give it close to what it had before, it'll freak out. But it's okay, I'm a work in progress right? Right. And unfortunately with this work in progress, I've also lost the patience of others. It's like I've taken too long to take the right steps in the right direction and everyone's getting angry at me.

Trav and I got into a fight last night that carried over onto this morning. And it was rather disappointing, really. Earlier in the evening last night we ran into his father and Dee at Target. I went about our business talking to them like it was nothing new, like nothing had ever happened. Then Travis decided to say his piece, that he thinks his father is also upset with me because I broke up with him and doesn't want to see him hurt. And that's all fine, I 100% understand why everyone is so leery of me, especially after what happened. I don't want to blame the whole thing on the medication, but for my peace of mind, I like to think that it really never happened. None of it. I made dumb decisions, I was making rash, crazy decisions. I wasn't myself. But what hurts the most is that the people that I thought I should trust, and I thought loved me and cared about me, they seem not to be. Everyone's making me out to be the bad guy, but where were they when Travis cheated on me? Or when I was depressed? Katherine and Lindsay were really the only ones there for me at that time. And Travis, too, obviously, at least when I was depressed. But so much has changed. He gets so impatient with me and my emotions now, and it's hurtful because I'm trying so hard to get help. I'm trying to become a better person... and it's so hard.

But I guess maybe there's so much about myself that I haven't realized up until recently or that I haven't wanted to admit that I need to work on. Mostly, my self esteem. In talking to Travis last night, I really finally admitted that a lot of the reason why I'm so anxious to have sex is because it makes me feel loved and wanted. I don't feel beautiful any more, really. A lot of the time only then. I'm a chick who weighs now about 300 lbs, has a mohawk, is always battling with feelings of depression, can't work, can't concentrate or stick to completing anything... No wonder I don't love myself. I'm a demanding, impatient, hurting, fucked up..thing... No wonder applying 9 positive words to myself was so difficult. I don't see myself in a positive light. I'm always confused, hurt, crushed, unhappy, disgusted, angry, rebellious... all of these negative feelings. No wonder. No wonder I can't hold a fucking job, I don't feel like I have any skills, or any positive assets to my personality...

I’m discovering new things about myself day in and day out. At least recently, I’ve been seeing things in a positive light, and trying to rationalize and think logically rather than acting on impulse. And I feel as though I’ve been doing well. My bank account has stayed in the positives, I’m getting all the paperwork done I need to get done, I’m trying to keep my head screwed on right... y’know, it’s difficult. But I’m thankful to be taking care of these difficulties now, rather than ten or twenty years from now... when it would all be so much worse. But truthfully the way I see it, is I have at least the next year of my life, to sort things out. To sort myself out, to focus on therapy, and discovering what good there is to me, and what skills I have, and things I can accomplish.