Self diagnosis at it's best.

Any little spur of something I feel like reporting here, I'm not sure if that's healthy or what. However, I was doing a little research on depression, 'cause I'm feeling rather blue today. At least the past few hours, I have. I was fine until I left Starbucks, and then it seems like I got back to the beach (a whopping 5 minute travel) and I was down, feeling as though my emotions were a reflection of the weather. Rainy, dull, grey. However, this seems normal to me for me to be okay one minute, writing, writing, and then the next, I'm just down. For no reason, nothing to pinpoint. However, I think I may have guilted myself on my frappucino. As per usual. I noticed I had a little extra money in my account, and I was feelin' it, so I went and got myself a frappucino. And I savored it, like I normally don't, and I downsized, I only got a medium. It was a start, right? But then I started to think that it was a bad idea for me to spend $5 on a drink, when I'm broke as hell, and for me to take in the calories I don't need. But I was fighting with myself since I walked out the door to go get the damn thing. But I got it any way, and tried to savor and enjoy it. So much for that entry from yesterday stating that I should stray from Starbucks among other things. I feel like I fail when I do these kinds of things, I feel like I have no self control.

But the other thing that bothered me while I was doing my depression research are some of the symptoms.

1.) difficulty concentrating, remembering details, and making decisions

- I can't remember where I place things, and I often find myself being completely indecisive. Like just now, I was utterly dumb when it came to picking out my frappuccino. I couldn't pick. I also have mini-civil wars in my head over the simplest things on where to decide to eat, what to wear, what I want to buy, IF I want to buy something... bah.

2.)fatigue and decreased energy

- Eh, I never wanna do shit.

3.)feelings of guilt, worthlessness, and/or helplessness

- My obsession with saying "I'm Sorry" seems to wrap this one up in a nutshell. I'm forever needing to apologize for feeling like I've done the slightest thing wrong, and feeling terrible for it. I must be reassured that everything is okay. Constantly.

4.)feelings of hopelessness and/or pessimism

- Pessimism is my middle name ;)

5.)insomnia, early-morning wakefulness, or excessive sleeping

- I feel like I've been sleepin' like a freakin' rock. I feel like Rip Van Winkle, truthfully. 12 hours of sleep, or something to that story, or I feel like I'm gonna just fall over and be miserable. Not to mention, some times, even though I've been sleeping that much, I still feel the need to take a nap.

6.)irritability, restlessness

- Irritability? Restlessness? I always feel like I need to be the energizer bunny, I'm constatnly going, I must be doing something, I can't just relax. And I'm always irritable, yelling about the littlest things. Ask Travis.

7.)loss of interest in activities or hobbies once pleasurable, including sex

- I don't feel as though this affects me as much, really. I do what I normally did. Which isn't much. I get incredibly bored, though, and feel as though I have no motivation for anything.

8.)overeating or appetite loss

- Unfortunately, this one appears to be a given. I'm not my weight for no reason.

9.)persistent aches or pains, headaches, cramps, or digestive problems that do not ease even with treatment

- Luckily, my downiness isn't physical. :)

10.)persistent sad, anxious, or "empty" feelings

- I'm usually sad, like Travis said today "Well, feeling down lately? Don't you mean all the time?" It's true, a gbood 95% of my days leave me feeling "down." Although, Iwant to disagree with that, but I think Trav's right. Maybe it's about 85% though. I'll give myself a little leeway.

11.)thoughts of suicide, suicide attempts

- I'm not that stupid.