So I thought I'd update while watching Demons because there's a ton of stuff on my mind. I tried updating my hand written journal today, because my NP at the therapist's office asked me to keep a journal on my feelings and on what I'm eating and stuff since I've been put on a new medication. But while I was mid-writing while watching Terror at Blood Fart Lake, I got totally distracted and totally forogt what I was writing about. The therapist the other day asked me if I was or had been diagnosed with ADD/ADHD or was treated for anything rleated to that like given ritalin or anything. Nope. Do I think I may have adult ADHD? Probably. lol Daniel's told me plenty of times that I carry a lot of the characteristics for someone who has ADHD. But all of this truly worries me. I haven't been so self aware before, and a part of me is kind of scared about it. I'm not too keen on knowing what's wrong with me, or that there is something wrong with me. For 20 years, all of these habits has been just me, just who I am. I find myself more and more each day uncomfortable with who I am. I'm self conscious, and angry. I've been so angry and upset lately. And so utterly confused. Today, as I wrote in my phyiscal journal, I had gotten upset while I was at the mall with Travis. We were in FYE after returning some stuff at Hot Topic so I could get some gas money, and I decided I wanted to go and get coffee from Starbucks. I got halfway out of FYE and I stopped myself. I realized that I had little money on me, and that I needed to save it for gas, I was being good. And so I went back to Travis, and had him hurry up through the Blu Rays, and he got kinda angry at me for rushing him. I did feel bad, but as we walked out of the mall, I started to think about the whole situation. I wanted to get back because we were meeting one of his friends, we still had go to go Henrietta, and then go and pick up some snacks for tonight. But, when we had left, I just realized that nothing can be easy for me. I have to fight, and fight, and fight with myself. I have to go out of my way to avoid things, and I have to always fight to get away from what I consider bad situations for myself, a lot of the time, that's why I don't bother. That's like why I binge eat, I know it's a bad thing to do, but I can't pull myself away from it easily. So I just give in. I want to have the self confidence to fight it, and to do well for myself. But it seems so hard, everything seems like it always has to be a struggle for me. And I feel as though I'm on top of things, but recently as talking to my NP at therapy, I realized that some times I'm on top of the world and that I can do anything, then other times, I'm just the lowest of lows. And my in betweens scare me. And my manic phases scare me. Like I said, I need to elminate the word "scare(d)(s)" from my vocabulary, along with many other things. Especially words relating to my poor self esteem. I have so much more I want to write right now, but I just can't focus enough to bring myself to do it. I feel lethargic, and distracted.